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Once upon a time I was the youngest in my family. I didn't have a little brother back then. I had a big sister. She was prettier than me, mature than me, she knew how to socialize more than me.
She was studious.
She wanted to be a lawyer.
Even when she was sick she was worried about her studies.
At last she couldn't carry on. She was so sick she had to stay in bed. Mother, father, grandma, aunt, everyone was busy to look after her.
My sister liked to travel so when we took her abroad for checkup we went sightseeing.
Sister's symptoms were really small at first. She had joint pain in her fingers at first. Then legs, hands etc. They took her to the doctor. Her disease wasn't detected before it grew worse though. It was quite a rare disease. I don't even remember the name...
She had to stay in the hospital. We lived there too. I studied for my finals in the hospital. It was hard to concentrate. I think I got bad grades that time.
Sister used to have hallucinations; medicinal side effect.
Her speech was really hard to understand.
One morning I woke up, she was gone. She died when we were sleeping. We took her body back to the countryside. To bury her in the family graveyard. At first I thought it was a dream. All the way I kept looking at the coffin. Listening to the sound hoping she'd knock the door so we'd let her out.
Our relatives came for her last rites.
Mother, father, my aunts, uncles, cousins cried for her but I didn't. Just a teardrop and nothing more.
They called me to see her for the last time. Her body was pale, lifeless. I just looked at her and went back.
Mother, father were surely devastated. First child is always special. I watched them cry for her as they prayed.
My brother is God's gift to our family. He's like a soothing medicine to my parents.

Some times I wonder if I'm unfeeling. Why couldn't I feel the same sadness as them?
After sister I lost a grandfather, a grandmother. I didn't feel anything. No sadness, no pain.
I couldn't attend grandmother's funeral but I was there for grandfather's.
I watched from the sidelines as my younger brothers and sisters cried their heart out. I watched our relatives express their sadness. My mother, aunt, uncle too.
Why can't I feel anything? I was also loved by him as I grew up! Why can't I feel like them?
Times like this, I doubt myself. Am I selfish? Only care about myself? I don't get it!
Times like this I feel scared. I feel the need to hide myself. Can't let them know. I don't force myself to squeeze out tears though.
People die. It's only natural. Surely, I'll loose more people in the future. Will I stay the same forever?
Is it normal? Do I really not feel anything? So frustrating.
The reason I like sad novel plots is because it makes me feel sadness for them. I can cry when they get hurt or die unlike real world.
That deviated a lot, damn it! Okay, I'm done. Thanks for reading and good night<3