My first love.... My trauma..!!

This is a subject that i have evaded speaking about all these years.. I didn't had the courage to write about it or talke it to someone else...be it family, close friend or soul friend?...
This subject had brought me endless suffering.. And a fake' panic trauma ...

Well.., this started in my second year in middle school, i was just transferred to another school, so i was freshman and I don't know much about the school setting, people, and their behavior...
The class that i got registered to, was an elite class in the school,it was full of people who have decent eduction And above average scores... The class was directed by a great number of competent teachers..(well,there was some half-assed one) so it was a class that the direction tend to invest into...

Well,my first day was when i have known my classmates..there was different people,with different backgrounds,different social stnding,and different discipline... Other people in other class got jealous of our class ... Because i has TWO GREAT BEAUTY!!, I remeber when i was out from my first class , there was some people who are seniors that i know from the neighborhood, told me about those beautiful girls and told me to talk themm to her .. I was not interested so i just taked it as joke!

Later on i learned that those girl were very famous in school , there was many people who has asked them out .. While the first one had hooked up with someone from her class in the first year , the other ONE was single, She didn't have an experience of having a boyfriend...

Well the days started getting by... And I integrated into the class and found a best friend who get along with me very well..., and i was setting next to him in the majority of the subjects except the language subject..., the language subject seats were assigned by The teacher, and coincidentally i was sitting behind those two beauty... The other one was the class rep in the language subject while the other one was the class rep of the other subject, the teacher was preferring the other one in her class because of her work efficiency...
She was a Very nice girl(the other one) I didn't have a great relationship with her we just exchange greetings sometimes ...while she was beautiful,i was not interested in her that time...but the guy who's sitting Next to me was......!
While i was sitting behind those two girls many boys were jealous.. Especially my new best friend , he was envying Me for that seat..he asked me many times to Exchange seat, while I didn't mind , the teacher do mind....
So the guy who was sitting next time was a guy with hair to his ears , a handsome face...a... retarded personality... .. He was pestering (the other girl) very much , he was kinda annoying.. He want her to forcefully become his girlfriend ,while she was unwilling...
So the days passed by .. And i was the same I didn't talk to much to those girls, my relationships with them was good (while i hated the first girl cuz somtimes she was making some remarks which show how arrogant she was she was thinking that she was a great beauty so people should worship her and I wasn't interested but later she had To makes fun of me , by pairing me with a 'fat' girl in the class......) but we didn't have a direct conflict and I kept my distance of her ...so I can't hear those mocking word from here , somtimes she act spoiled and ask me things , i was disgusted by her behavior but I didn't show it....
So let's talk about the other girl.. As i said our relationship was normal , a relationship between classmate, sometimes she'll turn to laugh with me , make some jokes , talk about different topics....while the other guy kept bothering her, and I didn't care..that wasn't my issue...
One day that guy has bothered her enought that she was annoyed, so when the class has ended she turned to me and told me "Abdera7man" we should always go to school together.. You always passing by my house on your way to school so we should go together...(that was a trap that i had fallen into)..and She told
the guy who was pestering her , I don't want to be together with you I don't like you , i want to go together to school with "Abdera7man"...at that time i was dumbfounded.. I didn't know what to do .. I didn't know what to say so i just nodded my head twice... ... ,

On my way home i was thinking about what happened , why would this beautiful girl ask me to accompany her together to school? Why me ? So i felt a sort of sense of satisfaction how i was chosen by a beautifull girl to be her 'house to school road partner' ( i was immature at that time I didn't know how life work ..) so the other day i woke up arly in the morning , tidied up my clothes , brushed my teeth, done a bit of perfume.. And walked to school.......and on the way when i was passing by her house i saw here waiting for me in front of the door with her friend and neighbor... So i walked to them greeted them (i was kinda nervous) and we embarked to our school... We didn't talk too much but just said the same usual word..............!
And this kept going for one week , and then I decided to involve my new best friend in this deal together so i told him about how i pass by the house of 'the girls' and how we go to school together , would you like to join us ..? And he accepted without hesitation,cuz he has liked her , no to the point of wanting her to be his girlfriend but he just wanted to know her more.. So when he has joined us , he integrated pretty fast in the group...sometime when I'm late he would be accompanying them to school .. He will get early before even they got out from their house and start waiting them in front of the door .... He was hard working fella : D

So the days passed and the group started getting bigger bigger some other girls started joining us in the club of going together to school, and my relationship with Th OTHER GIRL started getting good nd people started seeing us as couple , but I didn't care , i was not into Love that time i just liked the felling of talking to her I didn't want our relationship to have any development...so we styad like that... But as the time goes i started to develop some feelings For the girl... I was starting to get uncomfortable if i saw her being intimate with other boys, but I ingored that felling Cuz my felling were not clear that time ... The more i got those felling the more i want to distance myself from her ...
One day we were going home together And some seniors started making fun of me cuz i did have some white hair in my hair , and she got annoyed and scolded them and she holded my hand and told me don't mind them You're okay like that.. let's go... I felt really speciall that time and i started to look at her differently.. I found her more likable.. But I didn't love her...but i always wanted to talk to her , make her laugh , and talk things together with her...i just wanted her to be my opposite sex best friend......
With that i ignored many girls in class who makes an attempt to get close to me ... My sight was containing just her... WhaT i regreted is there was girl who i had a good relationship with from childhood , she liked me .. She would always make some obvious signs to tell about her feelings ... She would Change place with the guys whos sitting next to me to sit next to me ... When even one days someone teased us tht we will get married ... And hade us sign an contract of marriage , she didn't hesitate when she signed but I hesitate a little ,looked in the direction of the 'crush?' ..and then signed ... She was really happy at that time .. But sadly we didn't get together....(But our relationship stayed special (with respect) even when she got a boyfriend).
...one day the crush? Asked me if she should look me for a Girlfriend ... She stated some names , those girls were not good,i was speechless I didn't know what to say...or rather i wanted to say im not interested in another girl beside you..., (but i knew ther was a. Guy in class who she was interested in but he didn't feel the same ).
But few weeks later she got a boyfriend ..and when i saw them together i was a little uncomfortable but i didn't mind cuz I thought i didn't like (own) her..so i was walking her to school as ussual, but when we get to the school door i found her boyfriend waiting ..
I didn't like that felling so i started distancing myself from her bit by bit and i let my best friend do the escorting instead...there was many accident in this perod of time.. I have known that i was realy interested in her and our classmate were teasing us too ...like "you should break with your bf..A dera7man' is best for you.." And she just laughed at it ...she actually have knows About my feelings but she didn't mention it and continued toying with me by suggesting 'ugly''slutry' girls... ( she started behaving with a clder manner and there was some disdain in her tone sometimes while talking to me...)
Weeks later she broke up with her boyfriend.. And i Still kept my distance from her ... She has asked other guys In our class to come to her house to walk together to school ..seeing that ...i satarted distancing myself from her more and more that we didn't even talk Anymore ...(and in my third year we got in the same class but we didn't talk all the year except 2 time or 3 times...)
When she broke up with that guy after a week she got hokked up with anther guy who was a hoodlum I didn't like him .. I didn't think he was deserving her ... I saw how bad he was treating her and felt more desolate.. I talked to her About how she didn't have to tolerate the behaviour of that hoodlum guy...but she told Me it's none of my business, so I stopped caring about her for herforth...and those memories that i spent with her started getting more n More remote but there was some innocent t memories that stayed ... She had treated me with a cold treatment ...later i have known that she was making fun of me with her friends..And how she had used me as shield to kept in front of the guy who was sitting next to me .. And how she even wanted to add some. Fuels to fire and make us hit...!

I didn't know if that felling was love or not , but after that i started getting more and more cautious around girls...I didn't let my innocent sentiment get played with and let my rationality take the lead... I was starting to decline any emmotional envolmemt with other girls.( igetto know some really nice girl who i kept a great relationship to the mement ),..but that bad experience kept hitting me , that was my first time to know Sentiment between opposite sex . , my first time to know people who play with other people sentiment ...people who will do everything just for the sakeof themselves....Even to the point of hurting other people..

I refused many approach later on... I was always wondering if what i was throught was a loVe or not... I was always running from answering this question cuz I don't know my feelings really well... I got really scared if I'm about expose aht I feel.... This is really ly a real pain.....



Ps: I skipped a lot of details...if not , i think i could write a whole book with 2 parts.......