A good day to everyone that is reading this thread right now. First of all a bit of introduction (Feel free to skip this part): This is my first post in NU Forums and the more observant people probably already noticed that. I decided to finally start writing my own novel after a few years of reading other people's books/fictions. I've read published and popular fictions/books as well as the more humble light and web novels (humble in essence, not in character as most LN and WN protagonists are anything but humble) and consider myself as a story lover. A story has been brewing in my mind for quite a time now and I finally decided to give it life and form. I've already made a foundation in terms of worlds, characters, how everything works, and some goals in the story that I wanted to write and I expect that I would add more to it as the story progress. I just finished my first chapter and I was looking for a place to post it so I could get some decent, but honest, reviews and decided to post it here in NU. English is not my first language and my knowledge in writing mostly came from reading other stories. I'm not a graduate of any literature based courses and my English grades from elementary to college is average at best so please check if the chapter's grammar is good or just barely acceptable. I'm not too familiar with navigating NU forums so please give me amnesty if I posted this in the wrong section. --- Snyopsis: The Universe is held together by something. It is an undisputable truth, but nobody knows what that something is. People claim that it is connected by The Path of Legends; where Gods traversed trying to find the meaning of their own existence. Others claim that the Universe is held together by a Tree; its branches connected the worlds, and it's fruits gave life to the systems. Several even claimed that the Universe is just a colony of ants; that this universe and the worlds in it are just as insignificant as insects. In one of the Worlds in it, the arrival of someone signaled great changes. Gods will die, Trees will Rot, Insects will burn. Those at the top had fallen, and they will upend the worlds trying to claim what was theirs. Those at the bottom had had enough of scraps, they yearned to devour the fruits of the worlds. And those that got caught in between had no choice but to persist, lest they get erased by the surging tides. Nobody knows where will they end, but everybody knew where they started. They will not be judged, they will not rebuked, they will not be curbed -- they will not be vanquished. This universe is their canvas and it's time -- time to paint their truths upon it. Genre: Fantasy, Adventure, Action Sub Genre: Male Lead, Female Lead, Multiple PoV --- Chapter 1 Spoiler Chapter 1: The Precipice Azrael - The End Cliffs Azrael - The End Cliffs Azrael woke to the sound of sea, his temples throbbing in rhythm with the crashing waves. He coughed blood that was stuck in his throat and heaved to endure the pain, waiting, wishing, for it to pull back with the retreating tides. Azrael had taken harsh punishments before: crushed by boulders, ripped by gravity fields, and stabbed by flaming beaks. But none had left him in deep despair and towering anger. Exiled. Sent to the abyss to be delivered as a corpse in a random world. But he survived; with a torn body and a laboured breathing -- but breathing nonetheless. He could feel the blood that had no business being outside his body running through the surface of his skin. A strong metallic scent filled the air and he could feel his clothes sticking to his body like second skin. He wanted to look over his injuries but he was too occupied with pain to do so. A warm and steady flow of energy radiated from his core, coursing to every part of his body; he instinctively knew that his body was healing itself. Azrael tried to sense this energy but was dismayed at the paltry amount of it. 'I might have to go into hibernation,' he absently thought as his body produced the life energy needed to heal himself. He didn't know how long he endured, but it felt like forever before he managed to recover his sense of faculties. Now that he had a semblance of thought, he silently thanked the gods for his Rur Constitution and tried to take stock of his situation. He observed a ray of light coming from one side of the cave's wall, illuminating the cave he found himself in. He didn't remember the light when he first gained consciousness, but then again, he had been too absorbed with pain. The cave was structured like a room, with floors that are too smooth that it had to be man-made. It had naturally formed walls that slowly converged to the top forming a ceiling. The space was big enough to house 20 of him comfortably -- if not for the big piece of rock full of twisting and shining lines. It was situated on a slightly elevated platform that took up the middle of the room and it faced the big crack in the wall where the ray of light was coming from. Azrael just sat there, staring at the glowing piece of rock, when a jarring thought surfaced to his mind. The rock was a Wesh Rock and the lines twisting on it were actually the Roots of the Wesh Tree. "No... No no no!" He screamed as he crawled his way towards the rock, too exhausted to stand up and walk on his own two feet. Tears slowly mixed with the blood on his face as he forced his body to climb the platform. Sheer desperation as the only reason he managed to reach the rock with his battered body. A trail of blood had followed him to the rock, bloody handprints decorating the sides of it. The red prints made its way to the rock as he tried to activate the rock again. Back to home -- back to his family. The intensity of his actions dimmed, along with the light of the lines surrounding the rock. He only stopped his pointless actions when the lines no longer shined, his hopes dying with it. Wesh Tree, Tree of the Cosmic System, Pathways of the Legend, and many other names depending on who or where the question was asked. He remembered the voice --the lessons-- of his teacher about the Tree; or specifically its roots and its purpose. 'The roots of the Wesh Tree are gateways -- gateways to a different world! However, using them required great energy outside the Age of Unity.' Energy they were apparently willing to part with just to get him out of the way. "You got what you wanted huh?" He whispered to the unmoving and now dull rock beside him. He knew it was bound to happen; he was considered as a threat after all. Staying at a prone position near the rock, he closed his eyes and waited for injuries to fully heal this time. Crawling with open wounds all over his body had been an idiotic thing to do, no matter how smooth the floors were. After a long but indeterminate amount of time, he could finally move his body freely without pain. He removed his clothes to assess his body; he could not detect anyone close by so he had no inhibitions in being nude. His body and clothes were fully covered in dried blood but there were no longer superficial wounds in his body. He could still feel the repair ongoing inside but at least he won't be an open blood tap. "Let's see... what do I need? I need a clean cloth, water, and some rations. Throwing a tantrum is surprisingly exhausting... at least my Shadow is still with me." His Shadow was not the literal shadow but the small black sphere that decorated his right ear. It was inherited from his mother and he found it funny that he had an inheritance when he didn't even know who his own mother was. It was a useful piece of artifact though; it can be used as a space storage and it can shape shift to a different object. He normally wears it as a cloak but his "Exile Ceremony" forbade him from wearing one. For some reason, he had been forced to wear presentable clothes as they expelled him outside Ost; his previous world. "Trust them to make me wear fancy clothes even in my own execution. Winter's breath take them all! Them and their useless traditions." He complained, to no one in particular, as he settled himself and tried to keep his emotions down. Nevan told him that he was free; free from everything. From responsibilities, royal court, traditions, loved ones and enemies -- Free from him. The cold comfortable breeze from the cave's entrance brought Azrael back from his musings. He hurriedly controlled Shadow to retrieve some items and it floated from his earring to the space near his hands. It expanded in size and he could now fit his hands through it to retrieve his items. After cleaning himself of dried blood, he retrieved a set of clean clothes and wore them. He was wearing ceremonial clothes when he arrived but decided to never wear anything like that ever again. He settled for a muted grey sleeved shirt, topped with black battle vest and pants. A pair of black boots finished his clothing ensemble. Azrael didn't know the affairs of this world so he prepared for all occasions; his battle set was very comfortable anyway. He wore Shadow above everything, which transformed from an earring to a deep black cloak, opposing sides clasped together near his collar bones. Its length reached the smooth floors below and he decided to keep the hood off; he figured that a hooded man would be less welcome than an open face. After checking several items and weapons hidden inside his own clothes, he stopped procrastinating and decided to face whatever bloody pinions1 he will find in this world. Azrael walked to the crack on the wall, which he assumed as the entrance, and then promptly stopped. Blue. Everything in his line of sight was blue. He faced the nameless sea in front of him and watched the blue waves turned to white as it crashed to the stones located far below. The word entrance didn't seem correct anymore as no one could enter the cave unless they knew how to fly. The cave was located in the middle of a tall cliff, which was located at the edge of whatever land he was in, the unending sea enough as an indication of it. A precipice, and in the middle of it all, was him. He closed his eyes as he felt the breeze kissing his skin, sounds of the waves relaxing his still-frayed nerves, and the smell of the sea bringing a promise. A promise of something new, something he didn't know he wanted -- a promise of freedom -- a precipice of change. He forced back the emotions and the tears trying to burst out from his chest and eyes. And laughed. He laughed: at his exile and death, at his family and home, at his conflicting emotions. He laughed, and laughed, and laughed until he ran out of breath. He hoped that his uncontrolled emotions were just the result of shock; he didn’t want to be considered as a lunatic in this world. "It's over. New life, new world, new people. Get over it and move on." He repeated it to himself, over and over again. Azrael gave the piece of rock one last look before moving on. "Now... how in the pointed tails and broken eggs2 am I going to get out this cave? Bloody pinions didn't even make a stair." He silently thought and weighed the idea that this new world didn't have the concept of stairs. "Could it be that everyone here knows how to fly?" He continued pondering about the lack of stairs before he berated himself with his escapism attitude. Azrael gathered his, now slightly bigger, energy pool and tried to sense his surroundings. He should have done it right after regaining his faculties, to ensure that no danger abounded in his near vicinity; but his instinct told him that he was safe here. His instincts never failed him. Except for the exile business of course; no amount of Seer-Instinct would have helped him there. He sensed a different but familiar energy all around him. A huge amount of ground elemental energy covered all directions, aside from the cave's pseudo entrance; where he sensed faint amount of wind and water energy. Large amounts of weak ground energy and absence of faint water energy indicated that the cave was covered, not by soil, but by hard rock. The energy extended pretty far up and he dreads the idea of climbing such height on a steep cliff. He decided to spare some of his own life energy to control the gravity around him to make the task easier. Ensuring he won't fall would be more efficient than suddenly using it on his falling body. Methods of using of life energy flooded his mind as he converted it to control the pull of the world around him. He slowly crept to the edge of the entrance and surveyed the uneven rocks. He concluded that climbing seemed possible, albeit a daunting, task. He started climbing after mapping which rocks seemed secure, instincts guiding him on a slow but safe climb. The sun was setting when he arrived at the top; changing the colour of the clouds to a warm orange colour, three moons made visible in the dimming light. He silently laid down, the rocky surface cooling his back; his tired breath mixing with the rhythmic sounds of waves. The foreign moons silently loomed above, mocking him for he is not of this world. After a few blinks, he decided to stand up and look at the other side of the cliff. This time, a sea of green greeted his eyes, decorated by orange clouds and the setting sun on the horizon. The clouds did not look natural as it hovered high above the entire forest without a single crack, hiding the sky. He saw the distinct divide between the blue sky and orange clouds as it framed the area above the entire forest. Azrael worried about the faint sense of danger he could detect inside the clouds; his instincts screaming at whatever the clouds decided to hide. He observed the forest and made a garner on what it could contain. His body was still recovering from the disastrous world jump and he was sure he wouldn't be able to handle any of the creatures that made the forest their home. "Well, I guess I'm stuck here then..." End of Chapter 1 Bloody Pinions / Winter’s Breath - a non-sensical expression/swear word Pointed Tails and Broken Eggs - Part of an idiom from Azrael’s World, he uses it as a swear word Other idioms: A Summer’s Embrace and Winter’s Breath came from but a single chest Pointed tails and broken eggs lead to broken bones and pointless death. Chapter 2 - A Walk, A Talk, and A Legend Chapter 3 - The Traveller and the Other Chapter 4 - The Ends and the Means Chapter 5 - The Human, The Dwarf, The Elf, and The Aggrieved Demon Chapter 6 - A Book and A Soup..? You can read the story on my site or in RRL. I usually update on RRL first so head over there if you want to read new updates and chapters with better edits (and Author's notes and participate in a few polls). I also made a map for my story! I'll update the map every now and then and add some points of interest: Spoiler --- Lastly, thanks to everyone in advance that would take some of their time to read and review this chapter. I really appreciate it! --
I just skimmed it. Look good. Nothing wrong with your style. Chapter length, I prefer long chapter. This one quite short. I think you should reveal thing slowly over a few chapter instead of cramming it in 1 chapter.
My opinion (which is amateurish at best), lacking a little depth. How was his body healing? How did he end in the cave? Did he escape from one world to another? Just a few things that leaves me hanging. Story wise, I would give it a chance to see how the story proceeds. I am excited to see how the story progresses.
My opinion: -detailed -the style is pretty good just need some patches here and there~.u can try indirect style if you want to try(and again,this is my opinion) -the chapter is still short i guess -you better try another self idiom -the opening is too weak to make it interesting -can't really say anything about the character thou.there is not enough describtion for him and lastly how fast is his recovery?he got seriously wounded,trapped, and the next thing i know is him already outside and healthy for godness sake ------------- stay motivated and do your best! GL
This is similar to my thoughts, as well. Your English is very good for someone self-taught. The only advice I have for you on that front, is to try and read up on how to form more powerful, pleasing sentences, and to try and use more commas instead of periods. I'm no genius at grammar though, I'm just going by what I feel. It would be good if someone with a more systematic knowledge of English grammar could comment. As for the opening.. I think there's enough here to be interesting. There are many questions to be asked, but there's also too much information that is easily inferred, making the opening less intriguing than it could be. For web stories, it is important to try and catch the readers attention quickly, if you want a large audience. A lot of people will simply abandon a story if it doesn't make them curious within the first paragraph. I think you did reasonably well on this front. As for the last part, I both agree and disagree. It is confusing not to know how much time has passed, but on the other hand, maybe even the MC himself doesn't know. There's no way to tell the time if you're inside without a clock or a window. I think it might be a slight improvement if the MC either made a remark to himself, or was able to use the enviroment to determine how long it took. The suns light increasing or decreasing, for example.
5 stars just the usage of pinion and blood pooling was not right . For pionion I checked the definition it did not match . The blood pooling is just wrong , you will definanetly need to express it in other way. Grammar is satisfactory , no direct mistakes looming around other than pooling.the bit about mc stocking himself uhh I think it will be better to use another word IMO. Edit: you done a paragraph but was a sentance . When he was checking for energy and was paltry. Try to add another sentance Word count just copy past in word document and will tell you. Style is something u learn at secondary school but geuss was not relevant in your country. Defining style is kinda hard but a way I would to interrupt it is the message u are trying to interepting to ur audience and usage of words . For e.g Persuasive in tv adverts or movies . They will use words that will make u thing wow this movie is sick or wow this product is good . Emotional . The author is trying to convey how Deep the emotions of the character in a way that will move the readers . If the reader does not feel anything then the author failed . While there are other styles , you will need research to fully understand . Though style also include how formal the work is like if you writing an essay you would not write" bruh that was sick" . While it is commen sense it is style. Personally I find the length right but tbh I ain't the best of judging by length. I just believe the bigger the better. Character . For him I would like to read few more chapter and THEN give a judgement ! Though I do like so far. Note the last paragraph I used short sentence and a long one adding with a exclamation mark. Having a lot of that exclamation mark is kinda a style wanting to convey something to reader multiple times. As you said opening paragraph was weak . Though not weak enough to to make me quit , no need to change that imo. Overall impression the chapter is intresting but as i said earlier I like to read few chapters then give a conclusion. P.s: hope this helps . I was In a rush kinda
addition: - add from(last sentence) - change gave to give(gave is the past sentence for give) - of his change to from ------ study ur english more please.there is a few mistake or maybe more
Thanks for the fast reviews guys! I'll try to reply to everyone but this is gonna be my first reply so I wouldn't know how this message will look like with 5 quotes. Longer chapter. Got it! The questions were indeed important but I was planning on slowly unravelling them throughout the story. I didn't want to do too much of an info dump at the start but I guess I could compromise with a bit of information. Hahaha! I guess you didn't like my self-made idioms/expressions. I was planning on using them for world building as the character in this chapter is from a different world so he would have different swear words and expressions than the one in his new world. As for his recovery, I guess I kinda glazed over that part. I should probably add some sort of mini info dump about his abilities. I also wasn't too satisfied with my sentences. I feel like it could be better but I didn't know how so I tried asking for opinions here. I guess I should really look up some tips for better sentence/paragraph construction. Thanks! I think I understand more about styles now. I used bloody pinions as an expression. It was a nonsensical expression/swear word kinda like thundercunt or twatwaffle. I'll try to change the pooling of the blood though it sounded fine to me. I guess it's a langauge thing. So main points are: Longer chapters and MORE chapters. I guess this looked more lika a prologue than a chapter. More powerful sentences A bit more information and explanation about the character Better self-made expressions. Thanks again to everyone!
I see the blood pinion was an expression then mind my words , never knew that. Its great that you understand style. When you see an advert that makes u think wow I should buy it think back what made it good . If you read something emotional or making you excited think what is making u feel that . How is the author doing that and may help you in a way (hopefully) Btw will u be posting the next chap here??
Yes, I just edited the first one and it's around 2000 words right now. I'll probably wait until I produce at least 5 chapters before posting though, try to get the story rolling and introduce more characters.
I didn't see any problems with the grammar, which led me to the conclusion that you might be French, because European grammar is a bit similar in many ocasions. For example, I was born and grew up in Germany and when I started to learn English, I found out that it's not the same, but many words are similar and I could understand the grammar easily. Not sure about the first character. I thought he was okay. Not arrogant, pretty normal in my opinion This chapter was not short. It was good. The important information a chapter should contain was all provided. So I read it until the end. I like your world building. I like your flow of words. I like to see new words and your clean style of phrasing. I give you two examples of things which I like. For example Chinese webnovels, which were translated badly, sometimes are still enjoyable for me, because the story is good haha. Another example is your first chapter. I tried to imagine this world and it was pleasant, because you discribed this world very in detail. Thank you
Take every comment with a pinch of salt, mate—even my own. Ok, let's go. Hard to measure, but against most novels: an OK for a first try and a BAD for a release. Gave you 3 stars. It was a lower tier royalroadl to me, but a nice first try. For some reason, I lurked away from my cave for a post. Maybe because English is the one in which I write, but is not my first language also. Now, bear with me; I'm a very critical person so do not take to heart anything that may sound too harsh. I'll go through your list first: Grammar/Vocabulary - Grammar: Chose one and keep the tense. It either looks and has or looked and had: (...)It looked more like a cave than a room but it has floors that are too smooth to be natural. There's a lot of those errors. Like others said: a lot of periods. Technically, it is hard to go wrong with our little friend. Period. But writers can—and should—use the other famous tools of the trade: Em-dash, colons, semicolons and parentheses. Have fun with them; they're cool(just did). Every one of them gives a different cadence, or flow of sentence like you said. As with any career, if you wanna succeed is good to know your craft. It won't do you any harm to grab a book about Eng grammar and read it(yeah, boring as fuck). But a single glance over the whole thing may be good for a lifetime. Anyway, Grammarly(addon) for Chrome works just fine; don't worry too much. Just try new things. Vocabulary: This one is surprisingly easy: any author trying to "dumb-down" his text will eventually sound weird. An author trying to sound "better" than his own vocabulary gives the impression he has no idea what he's talking about; the words will seem out of place. Just use your own words. If you don't know the meaning, don't force it. Character We saw him disoriented, crying, angry, frustrated, and relieved. Not a lot to go on, but you have to keep something in mind: show vs tell. Sorry if I sound preachy. You gave us emotions but barely showed or told us his traits. Granted, it is just one chapter but: In most Chinese webnovels you'll see the narrator telling us that a character is something. They'll straight out say "Jiang Chen is impulsive" or the one I hate and see every time "Ling Feng is obstinate. When he decides something, nobody can change his mind". Very common in eastern novels and omniscient narrative. The showing is more prevalent in western literature and the deep point of view that you are kind of going in there. Even though it is in the third person, Azrael is sorta telling us the story. We see what he sees, know what he thinks(despite saying it out loud). He had emotions, but I wouldn't call him emotional. If you forced my hand I could say he is adaptable. That's it. Show us: If he is street smart tell a scene of him thinking on his feet. Maybe he is impulsive? Make him act before thinking. Perhaps he'll just try to jump in the water and see what happens. Anyway... it missed showing/telling. Chapter length Although it falls short for an introductory chapter, it's fine for a webnovel. Especially in the royalroadl template. From a hardcover point of view, it can be considered a short chapter. Don't sweat it too much, especially when you write the chapter. You can(and will) always edit it later. Chapters are poetic, anyway. There's 600 pages novel with a handful of chapters while other stories have chapters only one word long. Think about the scene you wanna deliver and its sequel. If it ends up a 100-page behemoth, slice and dice the beast in 100 parts if you have to. Just don't post a single one at a time, deliver full a scene. Style If by that people mean writing voice, then everybody has one. Just like our vocal speech is influenced by a lot of factors, our written "speech" is also peculiar. Every author delivers his message in his own way and it evolves with time. If it's just about writing well(not good narrative or story structure), then I recommend: Mastering the Craft of Writing: How to Write With Clarity, Emphasis, and Style Novel by Stephen Wilbers — It's a funny, educating and awesome read, and you can find it on the net Overall impression My first impression was not very good, specifically the start as you mentioned. The start failed to keep me hooked so I just skimmed through. When I saw your list at the end it made me remember it was a first project so I gave a more serious read. Strictly storywise, the "betrayed" archetype that we see a lot in Japanese novels is very low on my list. The MC always tries to portrait the world against him. I've seen at least four stories where the premise is the yuusha defeats the maou and is betrayed/backstabbed literally right after. WTF? They didn't like his lazy eye or something? Even the protagonist does not know why. They were just evil. They were together half a life and he was suddenly betrayed. I admit I'm 100% biased on this. Not a fan. To be fair, it was not the same. However, it gave me the same feeling that he was "unjustly" thrown out. How about making the guy deserve it for a change? He fucked up, now has to deal with it. Character - A single chapter, even more, a short one, is a limited sample pool to judge. Still, I felt a weak characterization; no showing nor telling. Just a dude in a fucked-up situation. Setting - (Big/world)There were some points that indicated the presence of a fantasy/fantastic element, unfortunately, nowadays that is not new anymore. (small/current place)The cave/cliff/sea/pieceofrock tough, kinda lame. It's just a freaking cave. Not exciting. Theme - The story hinted to a revenge saga, but ended on a new beggings note. I half like it. Immediate goal(chapter goal): new life/get outta here. Long term(saga/story major goal/plot): maybe revenge—TBA. Would like for some kind of confirmation, but ok. Again, first try at a first chapter. Careful with the modifiers: walked casually? That's normal walking. (..)too exhausted to actually walk. Just walked for both. Nitpicking - Once again I'm sorry for the nagging. Maybe you had it all figured out. The hook failed to deliver. Ideally, it has to show us character, setting, and stakes. Character - We got the name Azrael, cool. Imidiate setting, not cool: sound of waves. Although unexciting, the waves themselves were not the problem. The thing is that we got a character(Azrael) and only a sound. We have no physical place(setting) in our mental scene/camera-view. I thought: okay, beach? And then, when the narration went on about a well-lit room it broke my immersion. Drop-kicked me right off the story's magic. I got a "Wtf? Where is this fucker hearing waves from, then?" kind of feeling. Stakes - not good, not horrible. Trapped. He has a current goal, only I don't particularly care. Since he's chill, we chill. There's no tension(stakes) and is definitely not inherent to the plot(whatever that is). Put SchlongLord the Rapist in the cave with him. Wait, that's his own brother who exiled him? Now that's tension—protect your anal virtue from your perverted evil twin! This scene is certainly bonkers(bad), but you got the idea... Although grammatically correct, there are too many pronouns. He/his galore. Some could be cut entirely without changing the meaning of the sentence. Others, you could use his name once in a while. We only saw it once; halfway through, he was just a he to me. A lot of paragraphs start the same. He. He. He. His. His. His. The. The. - Repetitiveness bores the reader and indicates too much description(which can be boring). Uncertainty - the magnets' peculiar design. What is a peculiar design? You are the author. Affirm to us what you know. If it's important, describe/show to us, if it's not, leave it. It is your story. (...)quite familiar with pain(...) Say it with bravado: Azrael was familiar with pain. Granted, it is not always easy to separate the narrator(Azrael) and the author(you). And sometimes you do want to show the character's uncertainty. However, simply by a writing perspective, "speaking" with confidence empowers the story. If you don't know already, I recommend reading about story structure. And surely Mastering the Craft of Writing: How to Write With Clarity, Emphasis, and Style Novel by Stephen Wilbers. All in all, nice job. Whatever the pool, ignore it, man! Don't even ask'em. You have to write stories that you wanna read.
Oh my, that's a lot, but this is exactly what I'm actually looking for! Thanks for putting in the effort for a serious review, I really appreciate it. Grammar I tried to keep it in the past tense and I've edited it quite a bit but I guess the mistakes were still prevalent. I'm actually using Grammarly as well but, I guess it's just limited to most basic mistakes. This is my first chapter in writing so I'm still not used in writing in a single tense. I just hope that editing it will be enough and I get used to using one as I write more. I guess I really liked using periods. I thought it was fine at first but most of you guys pointed it out, so I should really edit some other punctuations in there. Character This is the one I'm having the most trouble with. My goal was to show, like most western novels, but I guess I've read too much eastern stories that telling was the first thing my mind did. I just gotta try harder to improve the show part. Overall Impression I actually didn't just throw the betrayal part just to give him some sort of goal. He was exiled by his own family, and for whatever reason, that is, he had the right to feel betrayed. Whether the assumption is correct or wrong, the feeling justified or undeserved, they are still stuff for the future. I couldn't just lay down everything on the first chapter but I guess I just failed to deliver the story well. As for the setting, I have plans for a big world and not just a cave. I guess I should work on my descriptions of the cave so people could visualize it better. Now that I think about it, all it mentioned were the floors, the Wesh rock on a platform, and the opening. I was actually just aiming for new beginnings. The character knows that he has no way of going back, and even if he did, he won't be able to do anything. He accepts his fate and decided to move on (after some self-pity, and emotional tantrums). No revenge plots for this character as I hate pointless revenge saga too. The character was indeed a bit passive about his situation, but I guess that's just him. I could continue the chapter to him scouting the forest, maybe some tension lurks there. Hopefully, that could add the tension that seems to be missing in the chapter. I thought that being in a new world, and in a cave in the middle of a cliff, without knowing the situation outside would be enough. (No, I'm not being sarcastic here as I thought it would really be enough). The SchlongLord bit had me in stitches. lol Pronouns. They're a tricky bunch, too little and too much are both bad. I'm gonna reread it again and remove the unimportant ones and try to change the others. I kinda glazed over the magnet, I guess I should have described it more. I'll also try to have the third person speak more confidently. Lastly, thanks for the recommendation. I'll try to find it in the net Thanks again for the honest review. I really appreciate your nit picking as it would really help my story and my future writing.
Fixed title, added synopsis, and edited first chapter. I'm currently 2.2k words in on the 2nd chapter (which featured a different PoV) and I'm only halfway until my end chapter goal so I decided to just end it there. I'll probably have the 3rd chapter today or tomorrow so feel free to have a go at my 2nd chapter. Chapter 2 Spoiler Chapter 2: A Walk, A Talk, and A Legend Elira Phasol, The Bloodied Borough Elira was in a good mood. In fact, she was in a fantastic mood. She was fifteen when she got accepted as a Neophyte, the lowest rank in the standard that Mercenary Hall use. It took her another 5 years of up-hill battle to prove her worth and reach Journeyman. Last month, she finally reported the mission’s success that fulfilled the requirements for her new rank. Elira had earned her new rank through valid missions and didn’t resort to bribery like most scions of powerful families. She was adamant in proving herself, despite the constant urging of her idiotic friend, to use her own family's influence for a quick climb in rank. The Phasol family got the wealth and more importantly; the Phasol Constitution. This type of constitution gifted them certain talents in the way of the souls and this made them one of the more influential families in Meshiere Continent. Her Great Grandparents both held the position of Saint and Guardian Rank; that's a 5-stars rank! It seemed leagues away to her newly acquired 2-stars rank. Elira could have saved around 2 years if she made use of her family's resources but she did not want to -- and she had no regrets with that. Most people would call her a try-hard, arrogant, or even a goody-two-shoes but she did not care. She was proud of her heritage but she knew that if she wanted more in life, she had to work for it herself. "You're wearing that look again." A familiar voice mocked her from behind, but the voice intoned a friendly attitude so she let it pass -- without a physical beating that is. "And you're wasting your breath, again, pointing out obvious and useless things." Elira knew what look his friend was talking about because she could see it in front of the mirror. She was not vain, she just needed the daily affirmation that she would do well with everything for the day. Elira’s haughty expression was reflected in the mirror, along with her other features. Her golden coloured eyes shined with the light reflected in them; it formed a good contrast to her dark grey complexion and braided dark blue hair. A pair of horns jutted behind her slightly pointed ears, the sharp ends just a bit higher than her head; it pointed to the ceiling and it stood straight and proud -- just like her. A well-proportioned face complimented everything but she didn’t have much pride in it; most humans with demon constitution possessed good looks anyway. "Besides, what are you doing in my house? In my bathroom no less. Don't you have any sense of propriety?" She said as she turned around to look with narrowed eyes at her friend, standing outside her bathroom door. "Oh, I had let myself in. I figured you'd be doing your morning ritual anyway, so no chance of me seeing your covered bits. Not that I wanted to, mind you." He replied, smirking with his ever aggravating face. Elira had already donned her adventurer armour. A white undershirt with a red leather breastplate on top made from Lava Bears. Her lower limbs were protected with leather boots and greaves, while her upper limbs are equipped with bracers; they were all made from the same material. Various belts and harnesses are strapped onto her body to hold the katars, her main weapon, and some other knick knacks like throwing knives, small bombs, and poison bottles. She kept the important potion bottles separately in her belt pouch. She liked being able to move easily so she preferred her current equipment over cuirass and other heavier full body armours. Most of her current Souls gave an advantage to movement, perception, and strength; combined with her demon constitution, she'll be able to move just as if she was naked. Elira looked over William after double checking her equipment and she supposed he was attractive enough, despite being human that is. In fact, most people she knew was attracted to him one way or another. Years of teasing conditioned her to be irritated whenever he opened his mouth though. William was a human without any unique constitution to his name. His ancestors did not possess any bloodline to pass on, nor did they receive any blessings. He didn't have any Elven or Demonic blood to increase his appearance's charm, nor any Drake or Avian constitution to increase his elemental affinity. He was just your plain, fleshy, soft skinned human. Despite all that, he had talent; talent to control his own energy efficiently for converting other energies. He was a Journeyman, just like her, and he had been promoted a year earlier than her. "I can't believe that you're going to meet two -- TWO! of the ever elusive Fallen members! I really envy your family background; at least you finally started using your resources properly." William said as he waved his hands in the air, like most humans do; they did not have tails after all. It seemed that his breach of privacy was just to complain about her special mission. "Nobody would pass up the chance to do a mission with a Fallen member; they are Legends" Elira said righteously while crossing her arms at her friend. "They only have 9 members but they are considered as a major power; not just in Meshiere, but in the whole world!" Her pointed tail waved behind her at her excitement. Any of the Fallen members' achievements and power could rival her whole clan; each of them possessing unimaginable talent and constitutions. Despite having only 10 members to their guild, they could contend with the other major guilds and clans that are composed of hundreds of people. At least according to other people and rumours. She hadn't met any of their members -- yet. "Do you know who will you be meeting? I'm gonna die of enviousness if it's Jasmine or Jared." Elira’s tail twitched at his statement. "How did your grandmother manage to land you a mission with them anyway?" He continued, mostly to himself. "Serath is the first member but I don't know who the other one would be. It's an escort mission so it would make sense that The Barrier Master would be joining, not to mention he is currently in this city." Serath Meshiere could be considered as one of the well-known individuals in Meshiere; his surname made it obvious enough. Born as the crown prince to the largest empire of the continent but abdicated due to unknown reasons; he is an enigma to her as his fellow guildsmen. His barriers precede his heritage though and it means a lot when you're more famous for formations than for your royal blood. "Serath? Dragon's balls, he's freaking hoooot!" William suddenly seemed more excited than before. She guessed that it was the royal blood; nothing excited the masses like a prince or a princess... then again, he would have probably reacted the same if she named any of the Fallen. Maybe except, Mary -- that would just be weird and June, dead people could not join escort missions after all. "Yes, yes, now get out of my way. I need to be in the meeting place in an hour and I need to leave now if I want to arrive early." Elira pushed him out of the bathroom doors and made her way to the entrance of a humbly decorated home and grabbing the prepared adventurer pack on the way out. The house Elira lived in was located in the residential part of the city reserved for mercenaries. Most of the houses in these part of the city looked uniform, with their red brick walls and flat rooftops. The front doors of the houses are directly beside the street, with only a few houses decorating their front yard with a garden. Elira was content with the size of her house as it’s big enough to house five people and she is currently occupying a whole house alone. It was no mansion -- but it was hers. It's located near the centre of the city and was quite close to the Mercenary Hall branch of The Bloodied Borough. William followed her outside the house and kept staring at her with shining, pleading eyes. She could feel his intense gaze, boring through her, as she tried to ignore him and walked away from her front door. Two blocks later, she could still feel his presence so she decided to confront him. "Why are you following me?" She suddenly turned around and William tried to act with nonchalance -- tried, being the key word. He was trying to look everywhere but her, with his hands behind him, whistling a random tune. Elira stopped walking and just raised an eyebrow, pointed her tail at him and stared until he finally relented and replied. "Oh, come on. Introduce me! It's not like they will kill you for bringing a friend!" William pleaded and her eyes twitched at that. "Look -- I'm not gonna join you guys. You could just say that I accompanied you to your destination; like a proper gentleman." He continued when she just kept staring; he seemed immune to her glares already. "I thought the 'love of your life' is Jasmine?" Elira sighed as she turned around and just continued walking on the red pavement; silently granting permission for his presence. "She is! Have you seen her in the recent news circulation? She was modelling the most popular underwear brand right now! I saved the picture to... uhh I mean.. I wanted to show it to you that's why I saved it. Yes, that's it... I thought you would like the underwear brand!" His blood rushed to his face as he realized what he was babbling about. Elira just rolled her eyes at him; she really didn't want to know what that picture was for. She just continued walking to her destination while William, not-so-subtly, changed the subject to more mundane news from the news circulation. "... and they said Sephiria just managed to kill the rampaging lesser dragon on the West Wardens -- Hey, you still haven't told me about the mission! I know it's an escort quest but who will you guys be protecting?" He said as he punched her gently on the shoulders while walking to get her attention. "Me." "Whaa-- They are escorting you?!" William's mouth had been hanging open when she turned around to face him with a teasing smile on her lips. Elira just chuckled and replied, "Well, not exactly. I'm not actually part of the mission." He just waited for her to explain, so she continued elaborating. "My Great Grandmother just so happened to be indulging drinks with Gerund -- YES the one who is an expert in world travelling. Gerund received news about the activation of a Wesh Root while getting drunk with her, so he hurriedly organized an expedition. My Gigi thought it was a good opportunity so she suggested that he bring one of her grandchildren for learning." she patiently explained her Grandmother’s involvement on the said mission. "So.. long story short, your Old Granny forced him to bring you for experience?" William clarified. "Yes. It just so happened the Wesh Root is somewhere in the End Forest, which is south-east of here, and that The Barrier Master is currently stationed here. Hence, I was the one that got chosen for accompanying them for being in this city." "The End Forest, where a Lesser Dragon made his home?" Elira just nodded at his question. "Tortured Demons! are you insane?!" William exclaimed in reflex. Elira's tail made a fast whip at the ground that produced a cracking sound at his remark. The sudden action made other passersby gave a wide berth at her surrounding space. William had the decency to look apologetic at his, slip of tongue so she decided not to gouge his eyes out. Demons had been persecuted long, long ago for looking different. However, once people realized that all the part-human races came from the same Original Human Race, everyone decided to suddenly work together and live in harmony. Racist slurs no longer had the bite from before and they just became harmless expressions. She still didn't like them though and he knows it. "Sorry, it's just that it would really be dangerous, right? I'm just worried." He softened his tone and in a rare bout, gave a look of seriousness. "Look.. We're near the Mercenary Hall so I should reassure you now before you make me look bad in front of them." They stopped walking and faced each other seriously. "Mr Gerund knows that I'm just a Journeyman but he still accepted my Gigi's offer because we will be escorted by The Barrier Master and another Fallen member. Only the Lesser Dragon would pose a problem for them but the Lesser Dragon there is a peaceful one; this would just really be a stroll in the forest." "But.... alright, alright, geez." William stopped his inquiry when Elira sharpened her glare at him. They continued walking in silence until they reached the Merc Hall. She settled her nerves and pushed the door open and went straight for the left staircase with William silently walking behind her. She knocked politely on the unassuming door located on the second floor of the hall and went in -- excitement bursting from her soul for she would finally meet a Legend. End of Chapter 2 Phasol Constitution - Named after the Phasol family Primogenitor who first acquired the blessing and constitution that gives talent in the way of the souls. Demon Constitution - A general constitution that is prevalent in most humans. It's origin states that a group of Original Humans acquired a blessing and wished for the said constitution.
Here's Chapter 3, chapter 4 incoming in a little while Chapter 3 Spoiler Chapter 3: The Traveler and The Other Elira Phasol: The Bloodied Borough "Ah, you must be Elira, of the Phasol Family. Welcome, welcome!" A human with a wrinkled face, framed by a rugged beard of a lighter color than his bright red hair, greeted her as she stepped into the room. "And you brought a friend! Wonderful! Please make yourselves comfortable. Serath, be a dear and request for another chair from the Guild Hall for our friend here." the middle-aged looking man added as he saw William following behind her. Gerund, Elira assumed, was sitting in one of the four chairs around a circular wooden table and he looked as unassuming as the wooden table in front of him. He directed his request at the other man sitting beside him, who looked so out of place in the guild's ordinary room. Serath's royal blood was quite obvious: at his bearing, clothing, and appearance. He was wearing a deep ocean blue coat; lined with subdued, but elegant, black lines that hugged his well-built body. 'Enchanted Robe, and not simple enchantments either'; Elira enviously thought as she continued to observe the man as he stood. The coat extended to his feet, the upper part closed over the collared shirt he was wearing underneath but opened below the waist down to his boots. 'Even the boots are enchanted,' Elira silently added in her thoughts. She estimated his height at around 10~12cm higher than her 170cm. Serath's features was all human from what she could see: black hair that shined blue when hit by the light, fine and symmetrical bone structure that elves and demons would be envious of, eyes with the same color of blue than his coat; it was smiling with gentle amusement with a polite smile that decorating his lips. It was directed at both Elira and William. 'Damnation, I was staring.' She glanced at her friend to see how he fared and -- William was ogling, only lacking a drool on his open mouth for it to be considered improper. Serath seemed unperturbed and just greeted them with a polite smile."Ms Phalos and?" She elbowed William so he could answer and stop his ogling and close his mouth. "Uhh.. W-William! William Benioff... b-but you can call me Will." He suddenly widened his eyes "No! I-I wasn't commanding you or anything, you.. you could just call me whatever you want! You can even call m----" Elira elbowed him again, harder this time, before he dug his own grave. To his credit, Serath just continued with his introduction and ignored their antics. She thought that the man was probably used to people like William. "Ms Phalos and Mr Will, a pleasure to make your acquaintance, I am Serath Meshiere. Please use the seat I just vacated and the other chair beside it for your comfort." He went out after that, presumably to get another chair. William rushed to the chair that Serath just evacuated, claiming possession of it with a big smile on his face. He would probably urinate on it to mark his territory if it weren't for the other two people in the room. Two? Gerund just laughed good-naturedly at William's too-honest reactions. Elira continued observing the room as she made her way to the chair beside William. The room was decorated simply: with cream colored curtains designed with orange embroidery, soft brown carpet that covered the entire floor, an unlit fireplace at the other end of the room, a detailed painting of a winged horse hung on the red brick walls, and the table with its occupants near the fireplace. She promptly seated after arriving at the table and explained his friend's presence. "Good day Mr Gerund, this is my friend Will and he just accompanied me to the hall because he wanted to meet Serath." Elira stated honestly that made William's eyes go wide with embarrassment. Gerund cackled at that, "Hahahaha, such an honest fellow. Don't worry child, most people reacted the same after first being introduced to him; he is quite used to that. Now, let me brief you on our mission -- No child, don't stand up, the mission is not confidential so you can listen to the details." He stopped William from saying his goodbyes and just continued with the explanation. "We, me and my subordinates that is, detected a Wesh Root energy signature in the direction of the End Forest a few weeks ago. According to our estimation, it had been activated for a month already and the energy was powerful enough to indicate that someone, or something, made a world jump towards this world. As you both know, World Travelers are rare in this world outside the Age of Unity. There are some World Travelers here and there outside of it but they are scheduled, noted, and known." He stopped and drank the cooling tea in the table before he continued. "This jump, however, were not any of the three and the Wesh Root in the End Forest was undocumented. It's very possible that the traveler would be from a completely new world, a world that we have not made contact with before, and I intend to meet the traveler. Do the two of you have any questions so far?" Gerund asked us just in time for the sudden question that I had. "If it had been a month already, how would you guys know if the person, or thing, would still be there?" Elira asked with curiosity in her voice. Serath arrived at this time with the procured chair and just silently brought it beside the other chair and sat. She was surprised that he carried his own chair, she assumed someone would bring it for him after the inquiry. Gerund just glanced at him before he answered my question. "Ah, a good question! You see, the energy we detected had been quite massive, meaning that jump made was quite the distance away from our world. Although world jumps are not dangerous in itself, it can still be quite exhausting. The traveler would probably camp a few days in the End Cliffs if the exact location of the Wesh Root from our calculations are to be believed." He paused while looking at Elira, urging her to speak. "Alright, but that's only for a few days, how about after?" "If our traveler is smart and competent, the traveler would have rations and some survival tools ready. Traversing the End Forest takes quite a bit of time and effort, it's entirely possible for us to encounter the traveler on our way. However, if our traveler is careless and not-so-competent, we would likely just find our traveler's bone scattered across the forest, licked clean by its inhabitants." He took another sip of his steaming cup of tea before continuing. Steaming? "If our traveler is very strong, then it's entirely possible that the traveler muscled their way through the forest and already left. If that were the case, we'll be able to find traces of his energy and at least know the direction our traveler took after his exit at End Forest." Elira just nodded this time, distracted, drinking a cup of her own hot tea, while William was the one who asked the next questions. "The End forest is BIG though, like, second biggest forest in this continent. How would you guys find this 'traveler' if he or she is still there?" He asked while stretching his hands parallel to the ground to emphasize his point. "And if Mr Gerund's assumption is correct, that the traveler would be from a new world, we won't have a record of their language so how would we communicate with it?" Elira added her questions before the middle-aged looking man could answer. Gerund just looked at Serath this time before answering their questions. "Mr Gerund hired our expertise for the two questions both of you had brought up." Serath was the one who answered this time. "To put it simply: I have a talent for understanding and speaking languages I've never heard or learned before, while my fellow guildsman would be the one to detect our traveler throughout the forest." 'Oh, I thought Mr Gerund hired him for his barriers; I guess it was for his talent in languages instead. That's quite a rare talent...' she absently thought, 'They also don't seem to be too worried about the lesser dragon and other creatures in the forest. I guess they're really in a different league' A knock suddenly brought Elira out of her reverie. "Mr Gerund, the carriage that you requested just arrived in front of the Guild Hall." A polite voice spoke from behind the door. "Ah, I guess it's time we proceed with our task. Mr Benioff, I would invite you to join us but our carriage could only comfortably carry five, the extra one is for our traveler if he agreed to come with us. As you may have inferred from our discussion, time is of the essence for this mission." Gerund extended his hands to William as he made his goodbyes. "N-no, don't worry about it. I only came here to see-- I mean to send off Elira to her mission. Please take care of her." William accepted the handshake while Elira just rolled her eyes at him. They left the Guild Hall and they were greeted by one of the latest model of the energy-carriage parked in front of the building. It had a sleek black design: the top of the carriage just below Elira's shoulders, with front and back compartments that were structured to reduce wind and energy resistance; it was equipped with retractable four wheels to conserve energy consumption on flat lands. Past the open doors were two rows of seats that could be occupied comfortably by two people at the front and three people at the back; the driver seat was at the front, set apart with a driving wheel across it. It was a state of the art carriage that was powered by energy crystals and could run with the direction of a driver. It was a state of the art carriage that was powered by energy crystals and could run with the direction of a driver. I want one! Elira excitedly exclaimed to herself as the four of them boarded the carriage. She excitedly seated at the back row, forgetting to actually say goodbye to William as she entered the carriage. She remembered once she was seated and just waved at the still open door towards William with a smile. William just waved back, a look of confusion on his face. Wait... Four? Serath took his seat beside her after she scooted inside, closing the door after he entered. Gerund took the front row seat in front of her and on the driver seat was a woman... Wait, who is-- "You finally caught on to me, huh?" The woman smiled at her from the driver seat. She was a human with tanned brown skin, shoulder length dark violet hair, and she would have looked ordinary if it weren't for the piece of cloth covering her eyes. She couldn't look at her clothes, but it looked like she's wearing an ordinary robe made of cloth. The cloth on her eyes was embroidered with golden threads, drawing lines that looked like a formation across it. 'She was in the room with us! The other chair, Mr Gerunds refilled tea cup... MY OWN HOT TEA! Why didn't I notice her? No, scratch that, it's like something convinced me that she wasn't in the room.' Elira furiously recalled everything that happened in the room, trying to remember if Theresa was really present in the room. Serath just shook his head beside her while Gerund cackled at the front seat at my confusion. "Ms Phalos, please forgive my fellow guildsman; It's just a side effect of her constitution. Those that have just started on the path of energies would have a hard time perceiving her presence. Actually, even stronger individuals would have a hard time detecting her if she as much willed it." Serath explained to her once Gerund's laughter died down. "Hahaha Yes! Now that you are in an enclosed space with her, your mind would have an easier time detecting her existence. Not to mention she would be our driver so your mind would be harder to trick as a driverless carriage would be too much for her passive deceit." Gerund just added afterwards. Elira was dumbfounded at how easy she got tricked by a mere passive deceit. "It's nice to formally meet you Elira, you could just call me Theresa. You'd probably need to spend some effort if you want to remember my name as my constitution affects it too." Elira could feel that Theresa winked at her from behind her blindfolds. Theresa started the carriage engine and directed it in the open red streets of Bloodied Borough. "Oh..." She was actually quite speechless for once and then blurted out, "How can you drive us if you can't see?" She widened her eyes at the blunt question that just came out of her mouth. She's actually quite curious about it but she didn't plan on asking it so crassly like that. Gerund just had another laughing fit in the front seat just as Theresa answered. "Don't worry, I can actually see without opening my eyes. Also, don't worry about offending me about blunt questions or comments; people tend to become more honest around me." Elira could actually feel Theresa observing her, even though she is facing forward and driving the carriage. "It would be prudent to enforce your will before speaking, Ms Phalos; it would help in countering Theresa's aura." Serath kindly advised beside me. Elira just nodded while trying to organize her thoughts, enforcing her will, so she doesn't accidentally spillthem. 'It seemed that she can influence the mind of the people around her. Quite a useful but dangerous talent, depending on different perspectives. I've never heard of her name before, though. Oh... she said that her name have the same effect. Damnation! How crazy are the constitution of these Fallen members? Wait-- Fallen has ten known members, including June who is already dead. Is Theresa included in that list? Let's see...' Elira closed her eyes to concentrate even further while Serath curiously observed her sudden silence. 'Raea, the Fallen's founder and guild leader -- The Mother of the World.' 'Kaed, the Fallen's vice leader, -- The Bejeweled' 'Mary, -- The Innovator' 'Dyennah, -- The Spell Progenitor' 'Yomire, -- The Storyteller' 'Serath, -- The Barrier Master' ' Jasmine -- The Bloodied Queen' 'Jared, -- The Indestructible Construct' 'June, -- The Life Giver, Deceased' 'Lyonel, Fallen's Newest Member -- The Cosmic King' 'Damnation, There's actually 11 members including June. So does the ten that people are talking about when they mention The Fallen include Theresa? or does it include June and they don't know about Theresa?' Elira kept silent throughout the journey while thinking about the different fallen members. When she looked up, the carriage had just exited The Bloodied Borough's East Gate. Gerund seemed to be taking a nap at his seat while Serath was holding a book in his hand, reading, and Theresa was just silently driving the carriage to their destination. The Sun was almost in the middle of the sky and she figured it would take an hour or two if they kept their pace, before they reach the edge of the End Forest. "I forgot to inquire if you ate your breakfast before leaving, Ms. Phalos. There should be some snacks on the door's compartment if you're feeling hungry." Serath broke the comfortable silence in the carriage to inquire about her stomach. "I'm good, thank you. Could you please call me by name, Elira? Ms Phalos just sound so formal and you don't need to add an honorific like what you did with William." She replied to him as she noticed that he was still addressing her as Ms Phalos. "Also, do you always speak formally?" Elira added because she was curious. "If you inisist, Elira. And yes, it was part of my upbringing and I never did manage to change it despite leaving home. It's quite difficult to forget the lessons so I just kept using this manner of speaking. Besides, I feel more comfortable with it." He added the last one with a smile. She decided to stop prying on his origins as she thought it would be inappropriate so she just asked a different question. "So, how many members does Fallen actually have? The information that's been circulating around says it's ten but --" 'Stop. Don't inquire about June in front of Serath.' A voice suddenly rang in Elira's mind which greatly surprised her. She managed to school her expression from the surprise she felt of the sudden voice that invaded her thoughts. Serath saw her surprised expression but he just directed a narrowed eyes at the driver as he answered her first question. "The total number of The Fallen is actually twelve. Any reliable informants would speak the same, and the information is not guarded by any means. Dyennah ceased her guild activities and is currently travelling the world, and June --" Elira could actually see the light of Serath's eyes dimming; the smile on his lips suddenly disappearing into a thin line, "-- well... she's dead." "..." And that's how Elira managed to kill the entire conversation on the carriage; the rest of their journey was spent in an awkward silence, with only Gerund's soft snores and the engine's quiet hum accompanying them.
Chapter 4 Spoiler Chapter 4: The Ends and the Means Elira Phasol: The Ends Forest Ominous clouds covered Elira's entire vision after she craned her neck to look at the sky -- or specifically -- the absence of it. She turned her head to the direction where they came from and saw the dividing line between the sky and the clouds. Their journey went on a boring note as they traversed the plains without interruption. She saw a herd of Triple-Horned Bull but they didn't seem to care about the moving metal, despite being famous for their aggressiveness. Gerund only woke up after they started to disembark from the carriage. He seemed oblivious to the awkward silence permeating the air as he yawned and stretched his muscles in the grass. With their transport now parked at the edge of the End's Forest, she decided to have the initiative and break the silence with an inquiry. She had been wondering what they plan to do about the carriage; they couldn't just leave it parked in the open after all. However, orbs of light suddenly appeared out of thin air around their carriage before she could ask. The orbs of light suddenly turned to glowing lines, stretching and twisting; it formed some sort of language that Elira couldn't understand. Serath seemed to be the source of the transforming energy as he was standing near their carriage while having a look of deep concentration on his face. The hovering lights slowly made their way to the frame of the carriage and once they touched the metal, they exploded in a bright white color that left spots on her vision. They promptly disappeared after the onslaught on her vision -- along with the carriage. Her eyes twitched and her tail swished as she tried to keep the surprise off her face at the sudden disappearance of their metal contraption. Serath made his way to her with an apologetic look on his face after his 'explosive' performance. "Elira, I'm sorry about the way I behaved during our ride. It was ill-mannered of me to affect the mood of my company because of something that happened long past." He apologized to her with the patented polite smile, back on his lips. 'At least he is still calling me Elira, I wouldn't know what to do if he went back on Ms Phasol'. She thought before giving an apology of her own -- at least some form it. "Don't worry about it, it was partly my fault so let's just forget about the whole thing." "Yes. We should follow Mr Gerund and Theresa as they seemed to be heading towards the direction of the forest already." He nodded over her shoulder and when she turned around, they are indeed walking without a care for the two. They followed quickly behind them and Elira noticed that she seemed to be the only one wearing some sort of weapon in her body. She could finally see Theresa's outfit, which was a simple tight-fitting robe with the color of the grass beneath their feet and sleeves that are both long and wide. The robes ended around her thighs which were covered with black tights and she had flat shoes for foot equipment. She looked like a blind woman that was going for a stroll in the city's park, instead of walking to a forest infested with creatures that could end a man with a single swipe. Gerund was wearing the same protective gears as her: leather breastplate, greaves, bracers, but with an addition of a single shoulder pad. The color of his leathers was also different from her own, which is a deep brown color like wet soil. However, there were no visible weapons in his person that she could detect. Serath seemed to be a man in a fashion show with his chiselled jaw line and enchanted robes. There were no visible weapons on him either. "You seem to be keenly observing us Elira, is something the matter?" Serath inquired when he noticed her curious look on the three of them. "It's just... where are your weapons?" She just asked as she couldn't figure it out. "I don't need weapons," Theresa replied with light cadence while Gerund just grinned at her with full teeth and pointed at the ground below. Serath was the only one who gave a satisfactory answer to her, "I am in possession of several weapons right now which I sealed in my own dimensional formations. I assume you are familiar with the concept of dimensional pockets?" 'A space bender, this man seems to be becoming more and more ridiculous.' Elira was feeling that the company she was currently keeping seemed to be getting absurdly powerful by the second. "Yes. But only those with the right talent, constitution, and blessings could command or create their own dimensions right?" She replied with slight irritation in her voice. Serath just smiled at her annoyance and replied, "Yes, it was truly fortunate that I was born with a good constitution and had a good education upon my earlier years." He seemed to be trying to make a point so she let him continue. "Elira, you possess both of these. You inherited the Phasol Constitution from your ancestors, right? I am also positive that you underwent good education as it showed in the way you handle yourself. Give it time and you will surely bloom as a powerful demoness." 'This man is too smooth!' Elira blushed and her tail wagged -- just a bit -- at that; she would be considered as a rock if she didn't get affected by his compliments. "It is said that the Phasol Demon Family are gifted in the way of the souls. What souls have you comprehended if I might ask?" Serath just continued on as if he didn't just say a line that would embarrass most people. "I've comprehended quite a bit of souls: the Long-eared Rabbit to increase my hearing perception, Red-tailed Gorilla for strength, Crowned Eagle for eyesight, Yellow-Ringed Viper for poison resistance, and the most useful of them all, Shadow Cat that increased my balance, speed, and stealth talents." Elira listed some of the souls that she managed to resonate with, or in Serath's term: comprehended. "I'm surprised that you didn't assume we 'eat' the souls of the creatures to gain their talents and abilities; it seemed to be the popular information that's going around." Elira didn't have many friends and she assumed it's because they're afraid she would eat their souls; not at all because of her personality. "Our information network is a bit more reliable." Theresa was the one who answered her inquiry and continued, "The traveler haven't left the forest yet. I can't detect any energy and the creatures in my range didn't remember seeing anything out of the ordinary." Elira got a bit embarrassed that Theresa had been doing work while she just continued chatting with Serath. She looked around and noticed that even though the forest was enclosed inside the crescent-shaped mountain range, the mouth of the forest was still considerably huge. 'She couldn't have detected everything from here to the two ends... right?' "I guess it's settled then, we enter the forest and make our way to the cliffs. Serath, barriers if you please. Elira, come, stay close to me so you don't get plucked by something in the forest." Gerund waved her over as he gave instructions to everyone. The orbs of light appeared again, around the two of them this time, as Serath simultaneously applied barriers on them. 'I guess that's The Barrier Master for you. Effortlessly constructing a high-level barrier on two people with a fraction of the speed of everyone else.' It wasn't Elira's first time having a barrier applied to her body. She remembered one of her more dangerous missions; she hired a barrier user then and she couldn't help but compare the experience. After a few minutes, the lines finally brightened and then disappeared around her body. It was a neat trick as walking with glowing lines around her would be incredibly weird and impractical. "It should be enough to fend off the attacks of most creature in the forest. Please take care as it is not indestructible and avoidance is still better than a blocked attack." Serath solemnly explained to her after he finished with the barriers. "Can it block the attack of the Lesser Dragon in the area?" Elira inquired, wanting to know just how powerful The Barrier Master really was. Serath gave her a look, that he knew what she was up to, but he still answered her question. "A single strike of the dragon is possible but he won't be stopping with one, would he? Defensive formations are trickier than offensive ones as you have to make it as varied as possible without disturbing the target's own energy. I could enforce a city to withstand a barrage of attacks from a dragon but the same can't be said about moving creatures with their own distinct energy." Serath suddenly went on a lecture about formations and she actively listened as she could gain a lot from it. 'Maybe I'll be able to resonate with souls that have defensive talents' "Defensive Formations could be dissected into the source, structure, upkeep, and target. The source would be the base of the formation, which would be my energy. The structure would be the means of to complete the formation and will determine how the barrier would behave itself, in my case, it would be runic languages. Upkeep would be how the barrier would maintain itself and how long before it expires. Lastly, the target's own energy should be considered lest they disturb the formations you created. It is a simplified explanation but that should suffice for the basics of it." Serath just smiled at her as he made his conclusion. "Alright, enough lessons. Let's continue with the mission, it's possible that the traveler could be hanging onto their dear life right now." Gerund interrupted their conversation and just proceeded to walk inside the forest while they followed. After the three of them entered the forest, she could feel the environment take a drastic change in ambience. The trees in the Ends Forest are all thousands of years old and they towered over them like giants. Their wide leaves and long branches covered the clouds that covered the sky; dimming their surroundings even further. There was no path to follow but the grass and shrubberies didn't seem to have the growth rate of the trees as they stayed at their knee level. She could feel the old souls of the trees as they traversed the forest; their patience, their stability, and their longevity whispering to her own soul. Gerund took the helm while Serath protected their rear while she stayed in the middle. She could feel being observed by several eyes and powerful souls. Her own soul was quivering from their hostility. The man taking the lead didn't seem too concerned about their stalkers, although he didn't have the usual carefree attitude either. They just went walking undisturbed for the first half hour until one of their stalkers finally decided to jump the intruders. A sudden movement on Elira's peripheral made her whole body tense and reflexively withdrew the katars from the straps on her back. The creature had been blurred to a shadow because of its speed, her perception too low to actually make the identity of the attacker. She didn't know what it was but she knows that it was heading straight for her. She placed the weight of her body on the balls of her feet, poised to dodge when a sharp piece of hardened soil suddenly burst from the ground in front of her. It struck directly to the incoming shadow which had been made visible because it was impaled at the head by the soil. It was a dark green snake that had the width of a human's thigh; she didn't get to observe it for too long because multiple shadows suddenly burst through the trees on their right. They were too fast for her to identify but not too fast for her to be helpless against it. She knew the general direction the snakes are flying to so she could easily dodge and slice the oncoming snakes. It's just that -- all the snakes were flying at her. She did not have to worry for too long, as multiple spears made of hard soil erupted from the ground, impaling the oncoming attackers easily. She was about to give a sigh of relief when she saw where the snakes were coming from. At first, she thought it was a huge shrubbery but it was rippling. It was a creature seemingly made from countless snakes; slithering, hissing, and knotting together until they form a giant ball made of pure abhorrence. The ball of snakes was big; twice the height of Elira in diameter and it was slowly moving, rolling or crawling -- she didn't know, as she was not familiar with such disgusting creatures. "It's a Snake-charmer Flower, we need to attack its core plant to completely kill it," Serath said calmly beside her. 'That damnation of a thing is a flower?' Elira's instinct suddenly flared for survival as she detected a fast-moving object behind that made her turn around. However, Serath was faster than the attacker as he stood in front of her and the much -- much -- bigger snake, a circular object floating between him and the oncoming danger. 'A shield -- from his dimensional pockets?' Serath struck the back of the glowing shield with his palm, and a barrier made of connected transparent hexagons suddenly appeared all over the three of them. The giant snake was moving too fast and struck directly against the barrier. The hexagon that was struck just dimmed at the collision but recovered almost immediately after it. The giant snake crumpled and thrashed on the ground after hitting the shield but not for long. Serath immediately withdrew the barrier and threw the shield at it. She was dumbstruck at the idea until she saw the shield cleanly slice the thrashing snake in two. Serath suddenly turned around, not bothering to retrieve the shield, and threw a dagger towards the knot of snakes, past her shoulders. She followed the knife with her sight and notice that it was off-course; it was heading for the area way above the amalgamation of snakes. She didn’t have to wonder for long because just as it was above the creature, the knife suddenly produced a blinding light and Serath appeared beside it... with a gigantic hammer on both of his hands and he was poised for an overhead slam. He struck the hammer down despite still being in the air, a circular formation appeared below him and it made a collision with the descending hammer. A deafening bang sounded at the impact and a sonic boom appeared around the circular formation, yet somehow, it still stayed unmoving in its position. The ball of snakes below suddenly exploded to bits and pieces; their skins, innards, and blood flying in all directions. Fortunately, the creature was a far distance away from them and they didn't have to suffer the sudden rain of guts. Serath was standing on the floating circular formation, robes still clean as when she first met him. He looked down upon his work; the flattened piece of land and dead snakes beneath his feet, a slight smile on his face. Elira then made a promise to herself: to never -- ever -- piss off the man again.
I'd appreciate more reviews for my latest chapters. Chapter 2 has a new PoV and introduced two new characters, provided some information on the world, and it also includes dialogue between characters (the first chapter has only 1 character after all). Chapter 3 introduced three more characters and I explored some fun stuff on one of the ability of the character. Please tell me if it was nicely done or if you didn't like it. Chapter 4 has more character interactions and the very first battle scene in my story. More advice on this area would be appreciated too All in all I'm quite satisfied with how the story is building and going but I'd still like the opinion of others. Thanks in Advance!
Chapter 5 Spoiler Chapter 5: The Human, The Dwarf, The Elf, and the Aggrieved Demon William Benioff: The Bloodied Borough William continued to wave his hands at the disappearing carriage in the distance, a confused smile on his face. He got too distracted with how Elira behaved; like a child during the gift-giving holiday that locals of The Bloodied Borough celebrate every winter. Elira had always loved new technologies that every innovator seemed to shit on their asses lately. After all, they could only contend with The Innovator with quantity and cheap imitations. Even the carriage that the guild procured for Gerund's mission could not compare to the real deal. 'Did the freaking carriage just drove itself without a driver? I didn't see anyone enter it... Oh well, must be a new release.' Worry replaced his previous expression after the said carriage disappeared in the intersection. He had several things to worry about and now seemed to be a good time as any to find solutions for them. He went inside the Merc Hall and found an empty table so he could ruminate in peace. The Merc Hall branch of the Bloodied Borough has a tavern in its first floor. Mercenaries usually needed a place to gather and the Hall decided to capitalize on it; providing energy-boosting food and alcoholic drinks that everyone loved to imbibe. The mission area was located on the back of the building, past the gathering and eating area. They also provide several meeting rooms on their upper floors but only those that fulfil the requirements could rent them. The primary worry in William's heart would be Elira's safety. She was stronger than him and he always lost in their sparring matches but he was sure that she isn't strong enough to kill any of the abominations that grew in the forest. 'It's alright, The Barrier Master has a 99% success for escort missions according to my Yearly Idol Newsletter' There was nothing he could do about it anyway so he just went on to his next worry. William's second worry would be the loss of his composure in front of The Barrier Master. He wanted to at least act like a collected person as impressing one of the Fallen with his Journeyman Rank would be futile. The collected persona disintegrated as he entered the room, though. 'Tens and Thirteens! Why did I act like that?' William wondered at the sudden wreck of emotions that he was in front of Serath, but couldn't find a reason; except maybe for his weak will, it's either that or something supernatural. William just sighed and decided that his first impression was a lost cause and he just had to be thankful that it wasn't The Bloodied Queen. His member would have probably burst from too much blood if he ever gets the chance to meet the voted -- sexiest woman in Meshiere --, at least according to his Monthly Idol Newsletter. "Hey there lad, want meh to buy ye a drink? Ye seem to have the world on yer shoulders." A dwarf with the height of a table and a body of a barrel interrupted his thoughts before he could go into his other worries. He was walking towards his table with a female elf as a companion. "YES!" William immediately answered the dwarf as he really needed one, and the half-man seemed to be genuinely concerned about him. Also, he didn't want the man to retract his offer; he isn't poor per se but he isn't rolling in wealth either. "A charming young man such as yourself shouldn't worry too much about the happenings in life. I'll add a drink to this silly dwarf's offer," added the tall elven woman with a smile directed at him. "Oh - ah yes! Thanks!" William was glad he didn't lose composure in front of the beautiful elf this time; probably because all the elf he knew were beautiful. He silently thanked the Original Humans that got the Elven Constitution Blessing for their descendants and the gift of long-legged creatures with perfect proportions, though William thought female elves could use more chests. The pair of part-humans took a seat at his table and they made small talk and introductions as they waited for the alcoholic drinks which arrived quickly. "Please forgive us if we interrupted your contemplation, though I don't think they were good thoughts. My name is Vienna and the dwarf beside me is Balrow. We just arrived in the city yesterday and we don't know many people here yet." The elf was the one who made their introductions while Barlow just chugged one of the mugs of red beer that arrived. Unlike elves and demons which are all beautiful, dwarves are as varied as humans. There are dwarves which only differed to humans in height, while there are dwarves that have bearded face and stocky body. Of course, there are those that fall somewhere in between. Balrow was part of the dwarves that looked like a barrel. William also drank one of the several mugs that occupied their table, happy to have a free drink. "You guys can just call me William. I was born and bred in this city so if you have any questions, just ask them," he said with a thump on his chest as he tried to impress Vienna. "How 'bout the important places in this bloodied city lad? Meh eyes are turning red from all the red things in this forsaken city!" Balrow chugged another red beer to prove his point. William had to laugh at that as non-locals are usually irritated at the red motif the city decided to uphold. "Well, here's the merc hall, you probably know that already since you're here.. haha" William said in a happy tone and the part-humans just smiled at him. 'Heh - I'm a funny man' "If you guys are more into selling stuff, then the Traders are located in the market area, west of the city. Though most people there are snobs, freaking elitist bastards and their tinkling pockets." William finished his current mug and grabbed another one off the table. 'Huh, the drinks aren't getting any lesser. They're such a generous pair' "The residential area for locals, mercenaries, and other non-important people like us are located on the east side. The park is in the center of the city if you guys like to frolic in nature -heh - do elves do that? My elven friends don't seem to do that. Do you do that Miss Vienna?" William inquired at the now giggling elf. "Unfortunately, No. I think you're mistaking elves with the Flora Orleys William." Vienna reminded him of the true locals in their world. "Huh, you're right. I forgot about them, though there aren't many of the non-humans in this city; only a few Fleys that manages the park and Gleys that helps in building and repairing structures. Did you guys wanted to know more about them?" William didn't want to discuss the Orleys as he wasn't educated about them. Balrow shook his head at the question, "Nah, what more is to learn about them, lad? 'Am actually interested in yer previous companions. Meh didn't know such high profile mercs are in this city!" "Ohhhhhh you saw them?!" William brightened at that, eager to discuss idols with the half-man, however weird that may be. "Bahaha! Lad, everyone's head turned at The Barrier Master and the Wesh Enthusiast when ye people climbed down the stair, and ye came down with them!" Balrow's booming laugh echoed throughout the room and everyone in the vicinity perked up at the mention of the Hall's high-profile visitors. "I couldn't believe it either! Seeing an idol outside my Weekly Idol Newsletter, a dream come true!" William's face was flushed now, from too much excitement and alcohol. "So, where have they headed lad? Knowing the Wesh Enthusiast, probably some sort of otherworld business." Balrow was whispering secretly now. 'Huh, they're interested in Gerund more than Serath? What a weird bunch' William frowned at the thought but still answered the dwarf. "In the.. uh whatchamacallit? the Ends Forest! They're meeting some sort of traveler or something... Ugh, my head is spinning" William half-whispered half-shouted at Balrow, he was confused on why Balrow was whispering. "Don't worry lad, ye can still drink!" William wanted to stop drinking but the dwarf and elf kept offering more mugs at him. "Did the Wesh Enthusiast say where the world traveler came from?" Vienna seemed to be doing the interrogation now. 'Interrogation? Why did I think of that' William thought with his alcohol addled mind. "Oh.... lemme remember... NEW! Mister Gerund said something about new world.. or was it new pants? I think I need a new pants. Serath's pants are tight... even Elira's pants are new, oh I want to be their pants... Heh -- Jasmine should never wear pants...." William was mumbling now. "The Bloodied Queen lad? Was she part of the team, we didn't see her." "HAH! I wish! My little Willy would still be full of blood if she was here! Ohhh.. I wish her picture would always grace my Daily Idol Newsletter." William sighed, full of emotions. "Who's Elira? Was she the demoness?" The elven woman seemed to realize that he already had enough beer as Vienna stopped forcing them on him. "Elira! My dear dear Elira... pretty thing ain't she, too bad she'd poke my eye out with her horns and strangle me with her tail if I ever make a move on her..." William was suddenly assaulted by the thought of Elira's tail, strangling him. "Actually, you know what guys? maybe I'll like that. Tails are good. Hahaha!" He was slamming the table loudly, seemingly unaware of the weird looks he was getting from the neighboring chairs. "Ye gods of stone and ground, Vienna, you gave him too much to drink" Balrow hissed at the elven woman who was looking dumbfoundedly at William. "You told me to make him talk! Well, he's talking now!" Vienna whispered back to the dwarf. "Come on guys! Don't fight! All humans are beautiful! Appreciate them with me! Whatcha lookin at chump, never seen a man who can appreciate beauty before? hey you're quite handsome yourself!" William shouted at the passing demon who was looking weirdly at him. Vienna hurriedly gave an apology to the demon before turning her attention back to him, "Did the Wesh Enthusiast only hire one of the Fallen?" "Hmm, what? oh you're a fan of them too! Good! Good! Honestly, I like the Thirteens better... except for my Jasmine o' Jasmine of course!!" William grinned at the elf. "Lad, ye didn't answer Vienna's question, or did he actually hire a Thirteens or any of their subordinates?" Balrow's face was scrunched up in annoyance as he reminded William to answer the question. "Whaa - No! My sweetheart said there's... TWO! Two Fallen.. though I didn't see one otherrrr, you guys saw one other? another one? hehe" William was having trouble keeping his eyes open and he was contemplating of how comfortable tables would be compared to his bed at home. "He's falling asleep now, from all his act earlier I thought he'd have a high alcohol tolerance." Vienna mumbled as she tried to shake the human awake. "Hm.... go away." William slapped her hands away and placed his arms on top of the wet table and used it as a pillow. "Aaaaand he's down. We still don't know who the other one could be, we'll be in trouble if it's any of their main combatants." Vienna whispered to the dwarf, lacing her voice with wind energy so that it would only travel to her partner's ears. Balrow replied after Vienna enchanted his own voice, "Its yer fault, you gave him too much to drink! We'd have to pay for that ye know! And what main combatants are ye talking about, any of the ten could send us to our graves! Even that kid!" "At least we got a good news out of him. The world traveler would be from a completely new world, we need to inform the leader so we could properly prepare." Vienna said as she looked at the sleeping man on the table, the tip of his brown hair was getting wet from the spilt beers on the table. "Hmph, I suppose the lad earned his drinks. Those kind of travelers are very rare and most that arrive here brings artifacts that are unknown in this world." Balrow agreed as he left his chair. "Lands of Eternal Storm, let's just hope we don't end up like Elierd from this mission." Vienna silently prayed as the two of them paid at the counter and left the Hall. After the two had left, the waitress tried to wake up William who was still peacefully sleeping at the table. "Hey Mister, your companions already left. Go away so I can clean this table!" She was used to seeing unconscious men and women in the tavern area of the Hall and being able to handle them is one of the requirements of her employment. "Mmm... no... Elira... you can't... huh what? why am I sticky?" William lazily blinked at the waitress wondering at the wet hair sticking at his face. "Mister. Go. Away. No sleeping in the tavern, it's not even dark yet!" The waitress fumed at him and he obediently followed the waitress as she led him outside the Hall. The harsh glare of the sun greeted him as he exited the building. The light burned at his eyes and he squinted them, wondering if gouging them out would be a less painful ordeal. After a few seconds of convincing himself that he needed them to see, he slowly trudged on his way home with a headache that would probably last him until the night. William wondered where his benefactors went and tried to remember their conversations. He couldn't remember anything important; that they only talked about certain high profiled persons. 'They sure like the Fallen too' William praised the pair for being such good company. He walked carefully back home, afraid that sudden movements would further upset his stomach. His bladder was also full but he didn't want to return to the Hall to use their water closet. However, there's one reason why William was trying to get back home as fast as possible. 'It's been a few hours since I left home, my Hourly Idol Newsletter should have a couple new things now. Oh boy, I hope they post something about Thirteens this time!' End of Chapter 5 Notable Terms: Tens and Thirteens - Expression common in Meshiere. Usually used to express the absurdity of something. Lands of Eternal storms --- Elierd - Expression common in the whole of Lochley. Usually used as a prayer/expression before, during, or after a great danger. Orleys - The first inhabitants of Lochley. They are the ruling class of Lochley before the First Age of Unity arrived. Fleys - Flora Orleys Gleys - Ground Orleys Weys - Water Orleys
Chapter 6 Spoiler Azrael - The End Cliffs Azrael cursed as his boiling lunch threatened to escape the cauldron towards the open fire below. A sudden quake disturbed the forest’s tranquility; he could see the trees in the far distance quiver at the onslaught of energy that came and went, like a bird fishing his prey. He shuddered at the thought of confronting a creature that possesses such destructive power. The idea of him getting out of the cliff through the forest didn’t look as good as he first thought anymore and considered living in The Exile Cave forever. He decided to name the cave as respect for the humble place that received him in this world. The name was to remember his exile, that he can no longer return back to Ost. ‘Names have power, Azrael. They can be a source of energy with enough belief. It may be a lie at the start, but with enough time, it can become the truth that will change the world.’ Azrael thought his guardian was spouting drivel before. He just wanted advice on a good name for his feline pet, but Nevan proceeded with an hour long lecture about names and titles. He did attempt a foray into the Friendly Woods when he first made his Heroic Escape; scouting the surrounding is one of the basics of survival after all. Climbing down was an easier task as he is adept at controlling the pull of the world, he just had to jump down from the cliff, reduce its pull, and land quietly to the ground. And so he did. Azrael slowly descended; passed through the thick foliage of swaying leaves, as if to welcome him into its shade below. The dimmed light reminded him of his secluded life in the castle, the towering trees of the high castle walls. The spatter of light danced in tune with the rustling leaves that whispered with the creaking branches. Old. This forest was old and untouched; he didn’t know how to feel about that. ‘Something’s missing’ Azrael observed his dim surroundings and tried to unravel the secrets of the trees hidden behind the bark of their trunk and roots of its feet. It was the absence of something; the absence of life, or at least the sound of it. The woods were too quiet to his liking, the creatures too silent, like someone stalking their prey. He huddled with his Shadow, finding comfort in the cloak that embraced his body. That’s when he saw it; a black furred creature that was as tall as him and thrice as long. It had a long body and pointed head, it’s oversized fangs jutting from its mouth. But it was lifeless, its body was full of vines that pierced its skin. It was slowly being lifted from the ground, towards the mouth of something. It looked like a tree but its branches were shaped like a mouth, leaves decorating it like pointed teeth; its trunk was quivering, seemingly excited at its new acquisition. The thing actually had eyes; two empty holes as big as his head on the lower part of the trunk, roots decorated below it forming a twisted smile. It looked like a twisted imitation of a human face and it was looking straight at him. ‘Wherever you are, whatever you do, you must act like your station and handle yourself with elegance and grace’ Clearly, his guardian never had to run from creepy looking tree-things before as he had never scampered so ungraciously in his life; back to the cliff where he climbed for his dear life. “Winter’s Breath! What Friendly Woods? Friendly if you mean the things in it want to make a close acquaintance with your guts,” Azrael murmured in indignation towards no one in particular. He made it to the cliff top safely, thankful that there are no flying creatures in the forest. The Creepy-Faced Tree didn’t follow him; maybe because it was really a tree and couldn’t move or that it preferred the bigger prey it already has. Azrael decided to recover his missing life energy before going into the woods again; no point in dying if he could survive by recovering to his peak condition. The most efficient way of recovering would be going to hibernation, he figured that The Exile Cave was safe enough for it. And so he did. He went back to the cave and prepared for a long sleep; thoughts of a prince coming to wake him up and save him humorously floated in his mind. He didn’t know how long he slept; he closed his eyes and the next moment he is awake again. No prince woke him up but his Seer Instinct did, telling him that something’s about to happen. He wasn’t too concerned as there’s no feeling of immediate danger associated with it, in fact, he could feel hope instead. So he decided to cook, as he was famished from his recent sleep. Azrael didn’t know how to actually cook, but his guardian was fussy enough to separate several ingredients in his Shadow for a cauldron of soup. He just had to add water, add the ingredients, and wait for it to boil. ‘Come to think of it, she didn’t know that I would be exiled to the abyss to be made a corpse. She probably thought that I’d just be sent off into some other world so she prepared my things for it.’ There he was; peacefully cooking his lunch on top of the cliff, the glare of the sun hidden above the clouds, when the first rush of energy made the ground quake. Azrael thought that it’s one of the Friendly Woods’ not-so-friendly creatures and just proceeded on stirring his stew; slowly, as he had filled the cauldron to the brim. More is usually better so that’s what he did, however, the soup’s bland taste seemingly mocked his line of thought. ‘Maybe I’m supposed to let the liquid evaporate? No, then it wouldn’t be stew; the recipe clearly said that it’s a sou-- stew or soup?’ Too hungry and lazy to redo his bubbling creation, he resolved himself for a tasteless meal. Azrael was in the middle of scooping when another commotion happened in the forest, almost dropping his bowl as the scalding soup sloshed to his hand. It was more subdued this time, but he could still feel the strong assault of energy. He abandoned his meal and stood at the edge of the cliff facing the forest, waiting… ‘Once is a chance; Twice, a coincidence; Third an oncoming storm.’ A muted thud resounded after a few minutes, and it wasn’t his imagination that it was getting closer. It was then that he felt a faint presence, like the ripples of feather on a quiet lake, a glance by a stranger on the same street. It was just a brush of an energy on his own personal bubble and it had come and gone before he could even process it. Azrael didn’t know what to make of it as he has more pressing matters to attend to. Whatever was making the commotion was heading for him but he didn’t feel any immediate danger; the impending arrival of the violent storm supported by his Seer Instinct. After Azrael determined that his life isn’t in any peril, he decided to go back to his soup; wondering if he should share the bland meal with his visitors. ‘I hope they kill the Creepy-Faced Tree on their way here. I wonder if they would like my soup, they would probably kill me for the affront on all things that could cook.’ Random thoughts filled his mind as he waited patiently; filling his stomach with tasteless food as he might need the extra energy. Azrael managed to finish two bowls of soup undisturbed when he felt three distinct energies below the cliff. He wanted to look down and check but he decided to wait for them in his current position; sitting in a chair with his legs crossed, hands resting on them. It was as elegant as he could get on a windswept cliff top without actually bringing out the tapestries inside his Shadow. His skin tingled at the sound of their rhythmic footsteps. ‘Wait, footsteps’? A human wearing a deep blue coat with hair the color of the deep ocean slowly ascended from the side of the cliff. He was ascending a stair, which confused Azrael as there had been no stairs on that cliff. The human was looking at him with a welcoming face, slight smile on his lips, and blue eyes that shine with the reflection of the sun. A smaller man with red hair followed him from the stairs with the same expression as the first visitor, only that he could feel the man’s excitement about to burst through his eyes. Azrael’s pupils contracted and his body tensed at the sight of the third visitor. He opened several dimensional cracks in the air around him; spinning daggers slowly revealing themselves, ready to fly off at the demonic creature. The demon’s tail made a whipping motion to the ground but stopped before it made a collision. She rolled her eyes and murmured something that he couldn’t understand but he didn’t like the tone of it. Azrael cursed himself for forgetting about the language issue, he was debating his chances if a battle ever occurred but a sudden impulse to speak invaded his mind. He didn’t know where the idea came from but he decided to at least give the other party a fair warning. “Why are you guys here and why are you colluding with a demon?” Azrael directed his question at the man with blue eyes who was still smiling, as if the revolving daggers around him didn’t exist. “Please, we mean you no harm. Elira, our demon friend, is a peaceful one; as is every demon in this world.” Azrael widened his eyes as the man just spoke the same language as him. He glanced at Elira who didn’t look like a peaceful creature as she was openly glaring at him. “Would it be possible to sheathe your weapons? I would imagine a civilized introduction would be proper for our first meeting.” The calm of the man in front unnerved him, but he decided to withdraw his daggers and close the cracks in space. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, my name is Serath Meshiere. Might I inquire your name? You are from Ost are you not?” Serath made a polite bow during his introduction and made an inquiry of his origin. Azrael wasn’t surprised that the man knew where he came from as Serath was speaking the same Ost’s Common Language; he was even speaking in the stiff formal way that nobilities like to use. “Yes, are you a noble from Ost? My full name is Azrael Harken” It wasn’t his actual family name but there’s no reason to tell them that. The man was clearly no commoner and he wanted to avoid some confrontation if he happened to be from Ost. “I see… Mister Azrael, would you like to speak in the Common Language of Lochley? My companions would like to join our conversation and it would be quite tedious if I were to translate everything.” Serath pulled a tome from a dimensional formation and held it in front of him. ‘Wait, when did they get so close? No -- it’s me. Did I walk subconsciously closer to the four them?’ Azrael realized that he was no longer in his original position and was near enough to observe the thick leather book on Serath’s hand. ‘Wait, four?’ Azrael’s head snapped at the direction of the unassuming woman beside the demon. She had a free-flowing blonde hair; the tips that reached her waist slightly danced with the wind. Her robes were the color of gray, the same color of the cliff. She was wearing a strip of yellow cloth on top of her eyes that was decorated by deep black lines. ‘Did I miss her because of the demon? She probably climbed during my standoff with Elira.’ Azrael dismissed his thoughts and looked back the tome. “I can see how a book would help me speak your tongue, but I’m afraid your companions have to wait until I actually learn the stuff.” He asked the man holding the heavy looking volume. Serath laughed at his statement and replied, “There is still the need to finalize the enchantment on the book. I felt that I should inform you of it before proceeding as I did not want to startle you.” Azrael got distracted by the man’s sudden laugh and just nodded. The book suddenly opened and orb of lights formed around it, thick strands flowing through the flipping pages. Azrael was amazed at how the book was processing such complex energies and assumed that Serath was directly transferring the language to the book. He got too absorbed in the process and only noticed the man’s exhausted aura as the last orb of light merged with the book. Serath handed the glowing tome and instructed him on how to use it. “Please insert some of your energy as it is needed for the tome to activate. The process shouldn’t take much of it and please rest assured that it’s completely safe.” Azrael hesitantly received the book and let the energy from his core merge with it. He was about to ask when to stop when the book suddenly exploded, pages flying in all directions. Thoughts of chasing flying papers filled his mind. Azrael was about warp the gravity around the cliff towards him when the pages stopped mid air and it started to form several layers of formation around him. He looked in wonderment at the dancing papers; they shined in various colors as they burned around him, producing rainbow colored ashes that floated like fireflies. They flickered around him, adding various tint in the shade of the clouds that hid the yellow sun. They were so like the colorful butterflies from home, the dye of their gently flapping wings adding life to the white winter garden. It brought the truths of a language, and Azrael eagerly accepts all of it. Just as the last piece of the paper burned, Serath spoke in a new language that felt so familiar to him, like the echoes of a past long forgotten. “Yomire told me that the book would not take much of my energy. Apparently, she’s emulating your bad habits, Theresa. She also forgot to tell me how beautiful the tome would look once activated.” Serath berated in good nature at the blonde women as he watched Azrael’s teary eyes. “Thank you.” Azrael didn’t know what to say, so his first Lochley Language ended up being as thanks. He summoned a silver ring with a black gemstone embedded on it and gave it to Serath. “This is? You know, I did not expect to get a proposal just for enchanting a book. We were not expecting anything in return for the book so please don’t force yourself.” The man raised his eyebrows at him as he received the ring. Serath also looked at Theresa who just silently shook her head at him. “It’s a Dimensional Ring. I know it’s not worth much but it’s all I have right now that’s worth something.” Azrael just ignored the man’s obvious quip and wondered what Theresa shaking her head meant. “Then we will graciously receive your thanks, though you belittle how rare artifacts with dimensional nature are. May I introduce you to Mr Gerund, I am pretty sure he is silently killing me in his mind for monopolizing you.” Serath gestured at the red haired man who just ignored him and went closer to him. “Hello! I’m Gerund, The Wesh Enthusiast if you prefer titles. Do you have a title from your world? You’re from Ost right? There had been only one Ost traveler recorded before and it was a thousand year ago, she brought the very first dimensional artifact in this world that sparked lots of studies about it. Are you a nobility? You look like a nobility. Your cloak looks like a very powerful artifact too.” He took a step back the old man’s aggressiveness. He just stood in front of him with shining eyes like a child that got his first weapon. Azrael looked at the other three people for help who were all shaking their heads. It looked quite comical, even with the demon in the mix. He decided to answer each question before the man decides to take his personal space. “I don’t have any title. Yes, I’m from Ost and yes I am indeed a nobility.” Azrael actually has several titles and he was royalty and not nobility. He didn’t want to lie when they just gave him a great gift but he didn’t know these people. Besides, the reason he gave the ring was to counter the gift and settle the debt. ‘You must always pay your debts Azrael, they can become a burden of the heart that will drag you down when you least expect it’ Azrael settled for a nobility as he had more knowledge about them compared to commoners. He figured he wouldn’t pass as a commoner with his equipment anyway. He decided to leave the last question unanswered. “Why were you sent here? Did Ost finally decide to connect to other worlds?” Gerund immediately asked another question just after he finished. “Exiled.” Well, executed would be the technically correct term but that would probably raise a lot of questions he didn’t want to answer. He knew that Ost doesn’t like connecting to other worlds so exile seemed a fitting answer; it was partially true anyway as it was the publicly known information as his punishment. “Can you tell us why?” Gerund didn’t seem surprised by his answer so he guessed he answered right. “For dallying with a man.” Azrael simply answered; it was also the “official reason” for his exile. The demon seemed surprised as his answer. “Hmm.. Yes, yes, as a nobility you would be required to produce an heir, and it’s true for most world that I researched. But getting a consort should suffice -- unless you refused?” Gerund turned a thoughtful look at him. “Yes.” this time it’s the whole truth. “So you got exiled and was sent specifically here?” Gerund continued his line of question with a missing a beat. “Well, not exactly. I got sent in a random world.” Partial truth again, he got sent to the abyss but ended up here. “Hey, I got a question too.” The demon piped up before Gerund could ask something again. Azrael turned to look at her, less wary now but still unused at speaking with a demon without it trying to kill him. “Why is your cauldron giving off black smoke?” Elira nodded at his back and he turned to look at his forgotten lunch. ‘Burning Birds! I forgot about my soup!!!’ End of Chapter 6 Burning Birds - Azrael’s self-made expression for his personal hate regarding bird creatures.
Edited Chapters 1~4, and added chapter 5 to 6. I highly recommend reading them in RRL for better formats and I have some Author's notes and polls in there which are pretty important especially for chapter 6. I also made a map for my story! Here it is!