Help Me Be a Better Writer!!!

Discussion in 'Community Fictions' started by Dragon God, Mar 26, 2017.

?

Will you help this young padawan?

  1. Yes

    9 vote(s)
    34.6%
  2. No

    9 vote(s)
    34.6%
  3. Undecided

    8 vote(s)
    30.8%
  1. Inanari

    Inanari Active Member

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    If so, I'd love to help edit ^-^
     
  2. Dragon God

    Dragon God {King of Peasants} {Tanya's Husbando}

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    The Google Doc is being delayed, but I'll let you know once I've created it.
     
  3. Acarnina

    Acarnina  

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    Alright I'll comment only on the prologue, mostly because 12 seconds were enough of the 2nd chapter to know I did not want to read it (R-18 tag please, thank you. Yes, I act like a child sometimes).

    So first, I disagree with the commenters saying not to use repetition. Your major flaw isn't repetition; its your obsession with avoiding repetition and using synonyms to do so. And considering where you're using stream of consciousness writing, repetition is not only not bad, it can actually be quite desirable.

    Now, about that flaw: while one can direct their writing at academics and those who are willing to use google, neither of these are majority populations. Especially online. Even I had to google a few of those words you used, and I pride myself on having successfully read a dictionary during an English class (ok, it was mostly to prove a point that it was less boring than the teacher, but still...). I get that you want to build your main character up, and am entirely in support of that, but do so by having them make good decisions or show their common sense brilliance, not by trying to mimic TS Elliot. The specific phrases are alright, but provide translations to them. Not everyone speaks four languages; especially if you're writing in English primarily, I can guarantee that almost none of the native speakers do.

    A second point: your characters motives aren't very clear. Why is Lancelot trying to take over the world? He should have a goal in doing so, and that should be his primary complaint in failing. Unless he was doing so just for the sake of ruling the world, which is honestly a very lazy reason. Tragedy in the past, Item to obtain, Society to design..l any of the above would work.

    Next, I honestly like the stream of consciousness but the timing is not well executed. The initial warnings are all misaligned; why would the screen change before the warning was actually delivered? Further, what were they doing before that if the warning is only now being given? Also, why was he so surprised they were found when you mention three or four times that the brothers can be tracked by this Delphi? If you try to make your protagonist this smart and yet he misses something obvious like that it undoes all of your work. Along with the character descriptions which others pointed out, this has brought up several issues. (On the descriptions: try putting the description right as the other characters are leaving. Think about when you would focus on someone else's appearance: a first meeting, or a last goodbye, right? You have one of those)

    The next big issue is references to real people: avoid, if at all possible. Bayes is most egregious; rationalism works just as well wherever it goes, and has the advantage of not requiring further explanation. The quote, if real, is also no good.

    As for the upsides: the story seems interesting (though not enough to push me through an R-18 scene) and the characters are well established quickly. The world and setting is hinted at nicely, with just enough exposition to get through the prologue but not enough to sound didactic. Your protagonist is coming across the way he is meant to: arrogant, driven, and potentially intelligent (though again, there are issues). You built the tension and loss enough to make it actually mean something, and didn't let up even at the end. Overall, it's pretty good. Just fix the plot holes and stream of consciousness issues (some will be fixed by later chapters, I'm sure) and stop using the full extent of your vocabulary and linguistic experience and you'll be fine.
     
  4. Dragon God

    Dragon God {King of Peasants} {Tanya's Husbando}

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    The goal was in the first version of the prologue which got scrapped. His goal will be revealed later.

    The goal isn't that important though; as someone who read the original prologue said: "driven by a faux existential crisis".

    Chapter 1 is a wreck as is, but it'll provide insight into the character that may no longer be there once I rewrite it. You may want to read it now.

    What's wrong with the quote? The story is meant to be set in the real world.

    Well, my protagonist swears on Bayes? (A distinction as been drawn by some members of the rationalist community between Bayesian Rationality and Traditional Rationality. I subscribe to the former, and so does my protagonist.)

    Things get explained later on. I haven't written chapter 1 yet, but it should convey that.

    I'll edit the prologue to make it clear, that they shouldn't have been trackable to that safe house.

    They are assuming they got tracked. It shouldn't be possible though. Despite what they think, they still got tracked, thus they assume it's Delphi; that is the most probable conclusion given their available information.

    I can't explain all that's really happening, cause major spoilers. But his reaction is normal. They're tracks were non-existent. Delphi shouldn't have found them. The bunker they're in is not somewhere they can be tracked from. I'm spoiling it already I guess.

    Hercules just assumed that Delphi somehow managed to track them, which was why he was claiming that they're tracks were nonexistent. I don't want the incongruity of it to be too obvious though.

    I'll try and edit that.

    I'm planning to add glossary at the Author's post script in Avery chapter.


    As for R-18, warnings are placed there in the RRL tags and the Synopsis in both here and RRL. I'll edit the tags though.

    Thanks.