Novel I Died and Reincarnated as an Otome Game's... Villager A?

It was to both but too lazy to quote only the part I needed in brasca's reply earlier....

 

A wonderful answer! \(^^)/

 

I'm curious about other characters. And if there are any chance of me to be a character as well.

 

The people that I tagged on the first post as "people involved" are the ones that I have the intention of putting as characters.

At the moment I have no intention of putting anyone else as a character, at most a small mention that references the person... So I think not.

If this changes, I may PM you about it.

 

As per Vi-chan's suggestion, I made a small change on the 3rd paragraph of the 1st chapter, there should be no real difference with how the story will move forward based on that, but it makes more sense like that since medieval hospitals aren't really a place to give birth in.

 

Ah. Brasca got a fict... hmm... will read when I get a chance... added to "watch list"

 

Unexpected to see you here with this face... Curious.

I hope you enjoy it though! \(^^)/

 

I kinda intended to release this last Sunday, but I got back into reading manga, and Hayate No Gotoku is just looking so great right now that I had to catch up to it all at once! >.<

Oh well, here we go, Chapter 2!

Spoiler: Picking up Clothes!

Entering the area of the garden, I could see that it was a place with a few tables and chairs in it, probably for relaxing, there were also plenty of flowers near the edges, making it quite a pretty sight.

This sight was a bit ruined by the maids around Akkihime-sama constantly shouting at her... As for Akkihime-sama, she was sitting on one of the chairs with quite an annoyed face.

She was quite a cute child overall, her red hair reached about the height of her elbows and she was wearing a white top with short sleeves and a red skirt, they seemed to be an easy to move casual wear for staying at home.

The maids were using a typical french maid outfit and were all teenagers, not really the best choice for dealing with children in my opinion, but I guess they needed some lower nobles that weren't married yet for the job.

"Akkihime-sama! You should hurry up and dress for the party!"
"You should just hear us and do it, your mother would be greatly displeased if you were to meet the guests with those simple clothes!"
"I don't wanna! Those are all hard to move and uncomfortable! Those work a lot better for me!"

Ah... So that's the problem... Trying to force her to use fancy clothes for a party... She really did hate those uncomfortable clothes in the game, I guess it's something she had since childhood.

Alright, here we go! I'll definitely get this spot as a maid!

I approached Akkihime-sama while being followed by Vi, the maids were so busy trying to convince Akkihime-sama that they didn't notice us even when we got really close, the princess noticed us since the entrance though, but said nothing.

"Uhn... Excuse me...?"

I talked with a really small voice and a lowered face to try and be as humble as possible, didn't want to find trouble after all.

"Who is-? Why is there a commoner here!? It is outrageous to have something as low as that in the presence of Akkihime-sama!"

Some thing? That's not very nice you know? Commoners are also people...

"She came here with my permission, she is the new personal maid candidate for Akkihime-sama."
"Lady Vi! But she is just a lowly commoner! She would never-"
"Are you defying my authority? Why is a lowly viscountess daughter like you daring to stand against me? Should I have your whole family executed for disrespect!?"
"No... My deepest apologies."
"Good, anyone else against her presence here?"

All the maids stayed silent and opened the way, with that out of the way, the next step is Akkihime-sama! I raised my head and looked at her eyes, she seemed to be surprised at the situation change.

"Akkihime-sama, those kind of restricting dresses are really annoying, aren't they?"
"Yes...?"
"Definitely annoying! They're horrible! Nobody should be forced to use those things, they are better thrown in the trash, right!?"
"How dare you-" A maid intervened.
"Yes! They're terrible!"
"Then let's get to your wardrobe, I'm sure there are plenty of cuter clothes there that aren't like those!"

I grabbed her hand and started running towards the palace, she seemed surprised by the sudden act, but I didn't care about it! I gotta do it while she is still going at my pace!

"Outrageous! To have a commoner touching Akkihime-sama!"
"If you feel like you should enter in the way of the new personal maid while she is on her trial period, feel free to."
"That is... I will not Lady Vi."
"Good, now if you'll excuse me."

Vi started running after us as soon as she dealt with that maid, I'm glad she is here to back me up! I was really lucky this time!

"By the way, I'm Matsurika, but just calling me Rika is fine!"
"Oh, right, I hadn't even asked your name, how discourteous of me!"
"Don't worry too much about it, we'll have plenty of time to know each other later on!"
"We will?"
"Of course! There is no way I'm going to let this chance pass, I'll definitely stay as your maid!"
"My parents have been firing anyone that hasn't been able to force me to do their whims though, and I'm not planning to accept them!"
"Then we just have to find a workaround them all! Trust me! We'll definitely find a way for that!"
"O-okay!"

Once we got into the proper palace, I started walking towards Akkihime-sama's room, since I was starting to get tired from all that running. It's a good thing that all kind of random trivia was included into the special book that came with the limited edition of the game, including a map of the palace! Back when I bought it, I found it to be quite stupid, but now I'm pretty happy that I got it! It was worth my time memorizing that whole map because I thought there would be a mini-game that we would have to explore that palace at some point! Even if it never existed!

Some other workers on the palace got surprised by me being there, but lady Vi just stopped them with a single glance, I'm quite amazed by how reliable she can be at this age!

"Unexpected, you seem to know exactly where you are going, how come?"
"I told you! I know everything about Akkihime-sama! Of course I know where her room is!"
"What? What is that about knowing everything about me!?"
"I see, it seems I underestimated your statement, carry on then, show me that you are truly worth of being her maid."
"You can count on me lady Vi!"
"Don't ignore my question like that!"
"Oh hey, here it is, let's start browsing through the clothes!"
"Hey!"

Opening the door, we entered Akkihime-sama's room, the walls and the ceiling had a light pink tone, for furniture there was a bed that seemed to be incredibly fluffy with a few stuffed animals on top of it, a few shelves holding books were in the walls, a big mirror and another door that led to her closet.

I of course entered the closet right away and started looking through the outstandingly big place. There were lots of clothes, shoes and accessories to choose from, luckily, they were well organized, so I went straight into the most elegant ones.

I didn't know what event we were going to have, but I doubt it really mattered, if she was complaining about the clothes it was definitely because she couldn't use her more casual clothes, so we needed something really elegant!

Honestly, I'm so jealous, I never had this many clothes to choose from in my entire life, to think that she has this much as a child... Princesses sure have it nice, though I doubt she was allowed to pick her own clothes right now, since we're at the current situation.

"Okay, let's go with those!"

I picked a red dress with white frills, it went all the way to her ankles and had long sleeves, however, it had a comfortable fabric and wasn't very tight, while not too loose either, it should look really well on her!

"Try it out Akkihime-sama!"
"I don't wanna, it doesn't look comfortable!"
"How can you say that without trying it out!? Listen up! Wearing the right clothes is never an easy job, alright? We need to find a good balance between elegance, comfortableness and also making sure to make full use of your childish appeal, and then we need to start working on making sure everything you're using together with it fits well! This can only be done by testing out lots of clothes until we find the right one! If you don't get even started, we won't reach anywhere!"
"A-are you sure you aren't looking too much into-"
"Looking too much into? You're a princess! You need to be perfect! Everyone should look at you and be flabbergasted at how incredible you are! And more important than that! You need to look at the mirror and feel incredible! That's what matter the most, everyone will be amazed at you as long as you know you're amazing! And the first step to look amazing, is to try to!"
"Fufufu, you seem quite enthusiastic about it Rika."
"Of course lady Vi! There is no way I'll let someone as beautiful as Akkihime-sama to come out in public without looking perfect!"
"You-you're exaggerating! I'm not that pretty..."
"You sure are! I'll show you how pretty you can be, so give it a try!"
"O-okay!"

Alright I already have her following my pace! Now I just need her to notice how incredibly cute she is and I'm sure nobody will be able to say anything other than amazing when looking at her!

I helped her change her clothes to the dress I picked, then I picked some low-heel red shoes and a necklace made of white pearls to top it all off, once she was all set, I put her in front of the mirror and asked.

"What do you think?"
"It is... Not as uncomfortable as I thought... And... It looks really nice doesn't it?"
"Of course it does! I told you it would look wonderful!"
"But mom will get angry if I pick other clothes to wear at a party..."
"No need to worry! I am sure she will-"
"Akki!!!"

A woman opened the door hurriedly.

"What is this about you causing trouble to the-
Oh... This looks really nice on you, fits quite well."
"It does?"
"It surely does, I wouldn't mind you going to the party like this."
"Thank you mom!"
"And who is this?"
"That my lady, is the new maid of Akkihime-sama, her name is Matsurika."
"Matsurika? I don't remember any noble with this name, what family you're from girl?"

Why did the queen have to appear right now!? She didn't appear even once in the game, so I was hoping I could avoid her altogether! I wasn't prepared for this! This will ruin my whole plans and...

Calm down Rika, calm down, there is no use panicking, let's just act humble and hope for the best, she already approved of the dress so things will go well...

"I... I am a commoner your highness."
"A commoner!? Who dared to let a commoner into-"
"It was me my lady, this girl claimed to know everything about Akkihime-sama and that she would be a perfect maid for her. I decided that she was fitting for a trial, and she is going through it flawlessly so far."
"I see, then she will be in your care Vi, if she slips out, do what you must."
"As you wish, I will make sure of it."
"Good, then make sure to do well in the party Akki!"
"Yes mom!"

Wait... That's it? She already left the room? Did she just come in and made no change to my plans altogether? Talk about a side character, I didn't even get to learn her name... I'm not one to complain though!

"You heard her, you are now the official personal maid of Akkihime-sama, congratulations Rika."
"Oh, thank you, I... Eh?"
"I'm glad you're going to be my maid Rika! I'll be counting on you then!"

Really? Just like that!? I thought I'd have a bigger trial period, but... Hooray! I can say goodbye to my commoner life! Hello life in the palace! I won't have to worry about being dirty or using terrible clothes anymore!

"Akkihime-sama, you should change out of your dress now, it wouldn't do to have it get any wrinkles until the actual time of the party, right?"
"Right, I will go change Vi!"

As soon as Akkihime-sama went to change, lady Vi pulled me closer to her and whispered to me.

"I don't know who you are, why you're here, or how you know this much about Akkihime-sama, as being able to make her do what you say this easily means you know way too much about what to say and do to please her.

If you're just a commoner wanting to be a maid, than that's all fine and good, but if I feel that you're going to be even a bit dangerous to her, I'll make sure you'll get a horrible death and a forever painful afterlife on the very depths of hell, understood?"
"Go-got it!"
"Good, make sure to keep it in mind."

Scary! Lady Vi can be really scary!

I don't really want to do anything to Akkihime-sama though, so I should be fine... Right?

 

I enjoy the first chapter a bit, I'll have to keep reading more before deciding if it is good or not. What I can say for now is that I do enjoy the premise of the plot of the story and it kind of gives off that feel of a web novel in terms of pacing and story-telling.

Now, you made a few weird word sentences that I'm going to explain:

I understand what you are trying to say in this paragraph; however, it simply sounds weird when you say "on the mirror" when it could be "in the mirror". So, instead of what was posted above it would be:
"I didn't even have any cute clothes for me to like my appearance in the mirror...Rather, I couldn't see my appearance in the mirror, the best option available was a water pond, since mirrors are too expensive..."(the second sentence still bugs me...but oh well).

The first sentence would be fine except the "At least I kept my name same name" part which sounds really weird. It should probably be changed to "At least I kept my name the same as the one from my previous life on this one...[etc]"

Well you missed a word here which is "voice" in the first sentence, changing it to be:
"A childish voice was heard from within the castle walls,....[etc]"

A final note on my part, I do like the dialogue from the characters and feel like they have interesting personalities.

 

I will consider the changes! A bit sleepy to give a proper reply though! >.<

Typo! >.<

>.<

Glad you did! The 2nd chapter is already up btw! Though it was made when I had a slowly growing headache, so I'm unsure on the quality of that one...

 

Take care of your health~!
I think you got yourself an editor though *throws confetti into the air*

 

Well, I'm already feeling a lot better now! Taking a bath completely removed it! \(^^)/

And I'm glad he is helping! I'm always open to feedback!

 

That is good to know~ a bath really does wonders for ones health \o/

Mm having another set of eyes makes it easier to write however you want \o/ Feedback is great for fixing mistakes overlooked or just to know how to improve if needed \o/

 

Teehee, always the best medicine for headaches as well! \(^^)/

And sure makes it easier! I have a hard time spotting mistakes on my own writings! >.<

 

Lol same for me, I reread it a couple of times then get tired of it. Sometimes you just don't want to read your own work when you already spent so much time on it. But when I post it up the errors just automatically pop up even when I am just scanning it lol

 

It really is hard to go through it many times, specially when we're tired!!! >.<

 

*pat pat*
I find many errors I don't see the first time for some reason, pretty sure I was just tired too lol It is hard doing things that require concentration when tired.

 

Good thing we can always fix those later at least!!! \(^^)/

 

Yup it is a good things \o/ having the edit button to use is wonderful~

 

@brasca123

(edit: I didn't realize this was so long...I'm sorry. I'll try to cut down on my words next time).

I read the second chapter of your original novel and I think you done a whole lot better than your first chapter. However, there were still some issues but I will start with the positives.

*ahem*
What I really enjoyed the most was that you knew exactly what you wanted in writing the second chapter which is you wanted to talk about the main character going through her trail of being her maid and how she accomplished that. Therefore, you didn't leave anything out plot-wise or made the plot of the chapter feel too heavy with information.

Another great positive is once again, the dialogue. I still think the characters have personalities that makes them unique to the story and overall plot(if you have one).

Now, lets us talk about your issues:

This is a me issue but I don't like many commas in a sentence, probably why I'm stuck writing at my current level. Anyway, the first sentence confuse me a bit when reading it but it was mainly because of the commas.

If you add in a semi-colon or period after the outstanding big place part that would make it look better. Furthermore, you could place a semi colon after luckily and a period before so. Changing it to:

"I of course enter the closet right away and start looking through the outstandingly big place. There were lots of clothes, shoes and accessories to choose from; luckily, they were well organized. So I went straight into the most elegant ones."

(I got rid oft there to choose and changed it to choose from, change past tense entered to enter and started to start).

I think that looks better but I also think that semi-colons are the devil's work. Also, you could create a space between that block of sentences to the next sentence that reads "I didn't know...[etc] for better flow between paragraphs because you stopped talking about the closet and started talking about the princess's feelings.

Moving on to that block of sentences. There were two comma issues...I think.

"I didn't know what event we were going to have, but I doubt it really mattered if she was complaining about the clothes. It was definitely because she couldn't use her more casual clothes, so we needed something really elegant!"

This feels better and sounds better but feels like it's missing a word or two that could enhance it. Anyway, combining both blocks of sentences would look like this:

"I of course enter the closet right away and start looking through the outstandingly big place. There were lots of clothes, shoes and accessories to choose from; luckily, they were well organized. So I went straight into the most elegant ones.

I didn't know what event we were going to have, but I doubt it really mattered if she was complaining about the clothes. It was definitely because she couldn't use her more casual clothes, so we needed something really elegant!"

Could be personality of the character to use "on the making sure" but could be shorten to "..to start working on making sure everything you're using...[etc]".

Bad words for beginning, when using aren't follow by another aren't. The sentence could be modified to:
"Are you sure you aren't looking too much into-"
It could also be a character trait of the princess to not understand aren't(are not) very well.

I don't think your main character is saying this, so error on double quotes.

So, this dialogue feels a bit funky. So lets first change "do you know" part of the sentence to "you know this much about Akkihime-sama" which makes it look like this:

"I don't know who you are, why you're here, or how you know this much about Akkihime-sama for her to follow along with what you say this easily. You know way too much about what to say and do to please her".

I know I didn't make this a perfect modification for this block of sentences since I know there is another way to go about editing it to make it look better. My suggestion is to take a look at it again and say it out loud of what she is doing. That is exactly what I did to find out that it sounds weird.

As I said before, this time around you did a wonderful job plot-wise, dialogue, and character personality that is immensely better. Finally, if you really want to we could become writing partners and share our work with each other and give opinions about it.