Novel I Died and Reincarnated as an Otome Game's... Villager A?

Thank you a lot for the detailed feedback once again!!!

I can't answer much of it since it's 3:30am, but...

Yeah, I use many commas, I try to avoid it because I know I exaggerate on it. As for the semi colon, I never use it because I don't know the grammar rules for its usage, so I just avoid it altogether, but putting a period here and there and separating into paragraphs with a few changes in wording help for sure!

You picked up some typos and problems that I'll probably fix by tomorrow, as well as what you said on your first feedback, so thank you a lot for that!

As for the writing buddies thing, I don't know if I'll be able to give as much of a nice feedback as you gave, but I would love to help out with what I can on your writings as well! Feel free to give feedback on future chapters as well! I definitely appreciate it!

 

@udonsage I finally found some time to take a look at it again!

I fixed all the typos you pointed out, though I did some different tweaks to the parts that the sentence flow was weird... I really appreciate the feedback and the proposals of changes though, they helped me a lot in choosing!

 

Found this, and I wanted to be nice at first and help someone gain confidence but then I started reading.

So instead I'm going to make you write better because this is a catastrophe. @udonsage seems to be trying to fix the issues I want to hit but seems to be focusing on specifics instead of general trends in failure.

First of all, you don't understand prepositions. You know when to use them, yes, but you don't know which ones to use. For example:

That's impossible, unless you live at school

In a mirror. It is always in a mirror, because a mirror does not have a surface according to the English language.

... In, again. On is technically allowable, but will always be seen as improper.

Double prepositionals like this, while also technically allowed, are bad English.

To fix this, I'd recommend making up a list of prepositions and whenever you want to write a prepositional phrase, look for the most commonly used version in that situation. While using abnormal ones are an easy way to make a unique character, you are not a master of the English language and thus should not be playing with bad grammar tricks before getting good grammar down. Twain and his kind can pull it off; you can't.

Second, sentence structure. Oh by the love of all that is good, sentence structure. One, run-ons...

Periods are your friend. Use them. Commas, evidently, are not. I use a ton of punctuation in my writing; that does not mean it is anywhere near the best way to write. Don't try and copy me on that.

Next, subjects.

Are these commands? Orders? Requests? None of the above? Then they need a subject. "I" works for both of these, but this is something that absolutely cannot be allowed to slide.

Next, exclamation marks and question marks. As a rule of thumb, you want fewer of these than any other form of punctuation. To show excitement, or confusion, or shouting use the words, not the punctuation. Nobody, and I mean nobody, likes an author who uses more exclamation marks than periods. Also, be very careful with ellipses... They can betray you easily. The ones you have you've used right; but they are also definitely overused. Try to stick to simpler versions of possible.

Tenses are your next problem. One, don't switch tenses in a paragraph.

You used past progressive first, then switched to smile past with the bolded words. That shouldn't even be done within the same chapter, so long as you're talking about the same thing. Either you were walking, and did something else in the past while you were doing so, or you walked, in which case it you mean you finished that walk and then did something else. As to walk is usually used in conjunction with another verb, the context depends on whether that other action took place before, during, or after the walk took place. In this case, past progressive was correct and you should have stuck with 'was walking'.

And further, my goodness the infinitives.

These can't be avoided mostly, though the last infinitive is used wrong and should be replaced with 'saying' or 'you said' for better English. However, it demonstrates the frequency with which they're showing up.

Every one of those bolded should go. 'Becoming tired' replaces the first quite well, while 'to be' is fully superfluous and 'have to explore' should be changed to 'explore'. Stop using infinitives; it's more efficient when verbs are used as intended. And sounds better, too.

As for other issues: word choice is repetitive and lacking, sentences are made far too complex, contractions are inconsistent and conjunctions seem to be absent, adjectives are sparse and adverbs are just as mysteriously invisible as contractions, paragraphing is far too brief, you don't seem to understand how to use negatives, and you're letting speech go uninterrupted far too long most of the time (using 'said', 'growled', 'whispered', and other such verbs will really help with that one). But that's all in the grammar.

As for story: not bad based on a minuscule sample. Though I would comment that if you're going to establish a problem, develop the conflict before immediately Deus ex Machina-ing the solution. Don't like being a peasant? There's an open job for maid in the palace, coincidentally right after. Can't get through the gate? Deus ex DCLXVI to the rescue. Princess doesn't like uncomfortable clothes? Perfect, dresses are suddenly comfortable. If you're going to make it this easy, don't present the problem in the first place. Or at least require a bit more thought and effort, maybe some actual persuading and arguing, to get through it. While it isn't to the point of being unrealistic yet, it's getting closer and closer. The queen thing was especially egregious.

You haven't developed characters at all yet; though I would comment that your Mc seems like a terrible person (abandoning her family like that right after you said they needed her? Really?) and the lady Vi is not nearly as Chunni as you try to make her seem (except for that opening nonsense, she's been the most sensible character by far). Also, make sure you establish a reason for the princess to be a spoiled brat in that manner (most noble daughters are influenced by their mothers into valuing their beauty over comfort, even by that young age. You seem to have set it up for the queen to have tried that, and yet somehow it failed). But that's all I can say about that for now.

Edit: after reading @udonsage's comments, I'd note that you're way too early to even attempt the use of semicolons or colons. You're having trouble with 4 punctuation marks; adding more will aggravate, not relieve, the problem.

Also, for the level you're writing at, this is a good tip: type a phrase that you've written into Google if it doesn't seem quite right to you. If google's autocorrect tries to do something to it, you should consider its advice.

 

Heihooo~ just found it today~ I only want to say I really like it ^^ I'll eagerly wait for chapter 3! And the debut of any love interest....if there is any lol

 

Well, thank you very much for saying that after making a whole post about grammar and not about the actual story... Uhn... Guess I'll try to not be replying to you in a way as stupid as the way you made your remarks.

Nah, that would just get in the way.

Dunno, considering I got lv C1 when I attempted the CPE, I'm pretty sure I'm better than you at it, unless you're a native speaker that is.

No worries, I never tried copying you.

Interesting that you say that, I never cared about it when reading, I doubt most people do.

As for this and all the punctual remarks, all that you read so far is a first version that I haven't even proofread yet, I don't ever proofread what I write, but if I intend to get serious about writing, then I'll definitely need to.

That doesn't mean I need to do it as soon as I finish writing, I'll do it when I'm in the mood to. Proofreading is a boring process, I usually avoid boring stuff when I want to have fun.

Yeah, a job not available to her to begin with, she basically tried to force her way into something that should be impossible on normal circumstances because she didn't bother to think it through.

Can't deny it.

Uhn... AFAIK you're a girl, so you should know that there are some really uncomfortable dresses out there, and there are also comfortable ones... The MC just picked a more comfortable one for the princess, since nobody had tried to do it yet, instead they tried to force their wishes on her, which is actually something that happens pretty often between parents and their children, completely ignoring the child's wishes and simply forcing them to do what the parents want instead.

Can't see the problem on that one.

Not all problems are hard to solve, some are simple, just need someone to take a different approach to it and it's solved.

Yeah, I wasn't really planning for the queen to ever appear in fact, but she wouldn't become a maid without her approval, so I made it in that way, I won't say it was good, but meh, it's an unplanned character that I made as I wrote... Served its purpose, even if it was a bad scene overall.

There is a reason she doesn't have a name after all.

You make me remember this comment: http://forum.novelupdates.com/posts/1366343/

You're judging things before they happen, I already planned to clear that up on the next chapter.

Never said she wasn't going to be sensible, and I never said she was a super big chuuni that had every single action showing chuuniness of, it's a bit hard making the chuuniness come out all the time, and it can get tiring if it happens on every single scene with her.

Is it that strange for a character to have more than a single thing defining them?

Not sure on that, doesn't take much for a child to become spoiled, specially if they're in a position of power like a princess.

Maybe I'll develop it, but I'm unsure if it's necessary.



You know, I don't really mind to receive feedback, even if it's heavily negative like what you did just now, but I do mind it if the person in question doesn't even try to make it seem like they want to help the other out.

You mentioned the posts from Udonsage, well, why not try reading how he worded his feedback then? He didn't really hold back in saying what he found to be wrong, and helped me out fixing the problems, but he did it in a proper manner.

If you didn't find anything worth praising, you have no reason to praise anything, but try not to be a complete annoyance when saying your mind, there are plenty of ways to word your comments, surely there were some better ones for you to use when making this post.

 

Thank you! I was planning on making chapter 3 today, but it's already midnight, so I'm unsure if I'll be able to make it today or not! >.<

There will definitely be love interests for Akkihime-sama! For Rika... Dunno, I'll decide later! Teehee!

 

Go to sleep then Brasca~!

Oh a love interest interesting interesting ^ ^ You seem to be having fun in this story writing \o/

 

Teehee, I sure am! It's really fun to finally get into writing a novel! Been wanting to do that for ages!

So far I'm liking how things are going! Hopefully it keeps on going well!

 

It does look fun to be writing a novel, but at the same time a lot of work as well. Take care of your health and not to do too many things that may overload you~!

Hopefully it does, plot development and all that o7 Good luck Brasca~

 

Teehee, thank you Blanc-chan! I'll do my best!

I'll make sure to not exaggerate! *hugs*

 

That is all we ask Brasca!

Lol I like action packed novels \o/ Having it drag would make me lose motivation~ But I will read it anyway~ *hugs back*

 

@brasca123 I can't wait for chapter 3 but I agree with @BlancFrost , rest is important.

 

Been ages since the last time I read an action packed thing... So don't expect much out of it! >.<

I'm glad you'll read though!

Thank you!

 

*thumbs up*

Haha no pressure just go the way you want with your story. Slice of life is still fun to read.

\o/

 

^^)7

 

You're welcome. I also forgot to edit my post before stating that I do agree with you about Ana1814ina's post being harsh. What I would take away from it though is that you do need to work on commas, somewhat.

So, I am going to quote from an author that likes to use commas a lot(kind of don't like his style of writing but its still good form). Hopefully this is useful to you:

"Logen plunged through the trees, bare feet slipping and sliding on the wet earth, the slush, the wet pine needles, breath rasping in his chest, blood thumping in his head." -The Blade Itself.

"He threw himself to one side, slipped and fell on his face, rolled away thrashing through the brush, expecting the spear through his back at any moment."-The blade itself

"People stood, disbelieving, or hurried here and there: scared, surprised, confused." -The Blade Itself.

"Until such time as suitable candidates are found, the routes will be managed by capable, loyal, hands."(dialogue) -The Blade Itself.

 

She did raise some points that I agree with, the commas being one of them.

I just don't agree with her wording, I'll probably go over the parts she quoted later tomorrow to see if I can make some changes as well.

I mean, I'm trying to improve, so feedback IS welcome... What isn't welcome is giving feedback without caring about the receiver of it.

 

True. Anyway, good luck with writing and I'm sure you will improve, and one day you will be grand-master of writing: one who can craft great works just by writing a single line.

 

I doubt I'll be able to reach that much!!!

But I hope I can keep on improving for sure! If possible, I'd love to live out of writing! It's probably the best job I could ever want in my life!

 

Friend, I pray that you do. After all, the greatest joy one can achieve is when one dreams are accomplish and the beam of light shines on down, bouncing the light off that crown. Heart pumping, take the scene in before the caffeine kicks in and you go at it again.