Novel The Lightning Lady Is Not Interested

Discussion in 'Community Fictions' started by raxadian, Mar 19, 2017.

  1. raxadian

    raxadian Well-Known Member

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    Prologue

    My name is Marie Emerald and I am the cousin of the Princess of the Rose Kingdom.

    Because I am related to royalty, even if is because my father's sister married the King, there are a lot of parasites that want to pretend to be my friends. And my family received so many marriage proposals from all over the Kingdom that I had to move in secret and change my name to have a peaceful life.

    Now, you might think doing so is an exaggeration, but when marriage proposals started to arrive as soon as I was born and the parasites wouldn't leave my family alone, I think that was the right choice.

    Hence since I was eight years old I was moved to the countryside and got my name changed to Anna Red. That might be a fake name but is as legal as it can be, that means I have documents with the royal seal that say that's my name.

    Now if my family was nobility, maybe they could have deal with things in a different way, but my family while rich, comes from a long line of merchants and we were never interested in marrying into nobility. The reason my aunt married the king was out of love, as crazy as it sounds.

    So my family had no idea how to deal with those parasities without creating problems for me later on. Hence me moving to the countryside as soon as my mother decided I had become mature enough to keep the secret of my real name.

    Thankfully my looks are quite average and I have brown hair and brown eyes like most people in this country does, specially the commoners and merchants.

    For five years I have been able to live a life with friends who are not with me because of being the Princess cousin and it has been quite enjoyable.

    Sadly I was tested for talent on magic and I discovered I had a very strong lightning affinity, and my magic power was so strong it broke the special gem they used to do the test.

    That means that if I do not train my magic it will cause trouble in the future, as my magic is so strong I might ending losing control of it and hurting myself.

    So I am forced to go to the Royal Academy of Magic, thankfully I can still use the name Anna Red, but while my looks are still average, a commoner with such a strong magic atracts leeches. Not as much as if they new I was the Princess cousin, but even a few are still too many for my taste.

    So I am saying this to anyone who is listening 'I the so called Lightning Lady of the Royal Rose Magic Academy, I am not interested in parasites!"

    AN: I will add more stuff later and I have no clue were this is going. I just decided there weren't enough female MCs with just average looks. And no the MC will not become prettier.
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2017
  2. Dragn555

    Dragn555 Writer of Unnecessary Essays

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    My thoughts:
    This entire thing is a fourth wall break, all for the sake of a big info dump. Show, don't tell. That mantra is used so much for a reason, and your entire chapter here is a fantastic example of how not to follow it.

    Nothing here is left to the reader, explained through action, or foreshadowed. It's just, "yeah, that happened, now we're going here."

    Well what if I want to see what happened? It sounds like some interesting stuff was just glossed over!

    A better way to write this would be to have your MC living as a commoner, with the reader completely oblivious to her past. You could have the city abuzz with news of a missing noble daughter, and also the news that the mage brigade is coming to town. It's more memorable than having the MC directly tell us everything and it stays within the world of your story.

    The MC could then be dragged over to the mage test by one of her friends, albeit somewhat against her will. She takes the test, everyone's shocked, and the MC tries to leave. Unfortunately, the mage overseeing the test isn't going to allow that to happen. The MC is forced to enroll in the mage brigade. However, when she's away from prying eyes, that same mage tells her that unless she practices magic, she may suffer horribly from lack of control over her magical ability. Hearing this, the MC decides to seriously practice magic.

    Shenanigans ensue and the MC's past is slowly revealed as the story goes on. The reader gradually discovers why she despises certain people so much, why she left her family, and what exactly her status is in the world. We also see her changing with the story as her past is revealed. Maybe she fully embraces her status as a noble later on, but still keeps her pride as a powerful mage and doesn't participate in the 'tea party life' of a noble. Stuff like that.

    Now what if all of that was just said to us through narration?

    It would be much less interesting. If the MC constantly bashed us over the head with how she's changed, or how much she hates Derrick the pretty boy, then personally I'd be more annoyed than anything. I can notice how she ties her hair back now instead of letting it loose, no need to write a paragraph about it.

    Changing the fundamental way she acts, and not telling the reader about it, is a much better way to engage the reader. Draw attention to the detail, but don't explicitly state why the change occured. Chances are that your readers will pick up on it.

    Think of how, in movies, you could imply that a shirt is new by showing a character taking the tag off. Nothing else needs to be said. But if you really want to emphasize how new the shirt is, then another character can just say, "Hey, new shirt?"

    There doesn't need to be a narrator telling me how new the shirt is.

    If you make your entire story telling instead of showing, the reader will only be dragged behind the ride. They won't be a part of it.
     
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  3. lucjanssens

    lucjanssens a very ¨rabbit¨ bunny

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    it is good
    i would like to read more
     
  4. Omnifarious

    Omnifarious Re: member

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  5. iampsyx

    iampsyx Have some rest, and let's do better tomorrow

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    This lololololol
    I really thought she was a lighting lady :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:

    But anyway, I mostly agree with @Dragn555. If you can fix those details, then this would be an interesting read. Good luck! o/
     
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  6. Omnifarious

    Omnifarious Re: member

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    Hey, I could be wrong, it can still be a lighting lady, but I believe they are just call electricians ;),

    PS on film sets they are Gaffers, and the Gaffer's assistant is called the best boy
     
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  7. Novel otaku desu

    Novel otaku desu 『R0 Trickster』『Sleeping Fox』『Desucchi』

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    Hmmm~
    This will be an interesting story~
    So a comedy novel? Or comedy+romance? Or adv?
     
  8. raxadian

    raxadian Well-Known Member

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    I still haven't decided, what I am sure of is that the MC will most likely think the worst out of everyone in the school and it will be very hard to earn her trust.
     
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  9. Novel otaku desu

    Novel otaku desu 『R0 Trickster』『Sleeping Fox』『Desucchi』

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    hmm~
    alright then~