I find being a clone Romantic,
Romantic in a literary sense,
Because it represents so many possibilities.
I know that some people don’t look positively at it,
But sometimes the RESET button is so attractive.
The idea that maybe an old character can disappear,
And a new one can start fresh from nothing.
I really like meeting people.
There are some people I wish I could meet
For the first time a hundred times over.
And being a clone enables that.
It’s an illusion of course.
An illusion in the sense that it’s disingenuous to pretend it is our first meeting again.
However, to me it is not totally a lie either.
It’s not a lie because I know that I am still acting according to my feelings.
Even if it is “for pretend”, the feelings aren’t necessarily fake.
And those feelings I know are genuine.
Because I still act the way I feel.
Feelings are precious to me.
They are precious to me in the sense that I do think they are what make me, really me.
It’s not my historical baggage or reputation or the cliques that friendships inevitability gravitate into. It’s also not the favors or inside jokes or fond memories of the past.
That’s sort of like a skin.
You see, I’m actually a very vain person, I think.
I’m vain in the sense that I always want to be liked for my bare self, my pure naked soul.
I really dislike being liked for my skin.
In fact, I have always disliked this. In a sense, the Internet has always appealed to me because it’s sooo seductively easy to escape baggage and strip it all away.
Philosophically speaking, in many ways I think I am most “naked” when I am Anonymous.
Being Anonymous is as free of a skin one can possibly get.
Anonymous doesn’t even have a name, shape, or form.
It’s in that kind of state, where I’m free of everything, that I feel like I am closest sync with my heart.
Because all that remains at that point is my feelings.
There is no baggage.
After a year or two struggling with “identity”, I realized at some point that this Anonymous state for myself is the strongest thing I have a connection to.
For me, it is like my compass.
And occasionally I get urges to return to that empty state and feel myself when I’m free of any skins.
How am I doing?
How is my heart feeling?
Doesn’t it feel nice to be empty?
And sometimes it is around that time that I spawn a new clone.
A lot of times I don’t even touch the account.
But if I do, it’s often to savor the feeling of being unknown and anonymous again.
And maybe I can meet wonderful people for the first time again a dozen new times over.
I’m probably weird.
And I’m definitely an introvert even when it comes to being online — with the way I like to disappear, reappear, and cling only with regards to my own wants/desires.
But I hope nobody is troubled by it if I am always this selfish.