the romance of a clone

Author

wither

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I find being a clone Romantic,
Romantic in a literary sense,
Because it represents so many possibilities.

I know that some people don’t look positively at it,
But sometimes the RESET button is so attractive.
The idea that maybe an old character can disappear,
And a new one can start fresh from nothing.

I really like meeting people.
There are some people I wish I could meet
For the first time a hundred times over.
And being a clone enables that.

It’s an illusion of course.

An illusion in the sense that it’s disingenuous to pretend it is our first meeting again.
However, to me it is not totally a lie either.

It’s not a lie because I know that I am still acting according to my feelings.
Even if it is “for pretend”, the feelings aren’t necessarily fake.
And those feelings I know are genuine.
Because I still act the way I feel.

Feelings are precious to me.

They are precious to me in the sense that I do think they are what make me, really me.

It’s not my historical baggage or reputation or the cliques that friendships inevitability gravitate into. It’s also not the favors or inside jokes or fond memories of the past.

That’s sort of like a skin.

You see, I’m actually a very vain person, I think.

I’m vain in the sense that I always want to be liked for my bare self, my pure naked soul.

I really dislike being liked for my skin.

In fact, I have always disliked this. In a sense, the Internet has always appealed to me because it’s sooo seductively easy to escape baggage and strip it all away.

Philosophically speaking, in many ways I think I am most “naked” when I am Anonymous.

Being Anonymous is as free of a skin one can possibly get.

Anonymous doesn’t even have a name, shape, or form.

It’s in that kind of state, where I’m free of everything, that I feel like I am closest sync with my heart.

Because all that remains at that point is my feelings.

There is no baggage.

After a year or two struggling with “identity”, I realized at some point that this Anonymous state for myself is the strongest thing I have a connection to.

For me, it is like my compass.

And occasionally I get urges to return to that empty state and feel myself when I’m free of any skins.

How am I doing?

How is my heart feeling?

Doesn’t it feel nice to be empty?

And sometimes it is around that time that I spawn a new clone.

A lot of times I don’t even touch the account.

But if I do, it’s often to savor the feeling of being unknown and anonymous again.

And maybe I can meet wonderful people for the first time again a dozen new times over.

I’m probably weird.

And I’m definitely an introvert even when it comes to being online — with the way I like to disappear, reappear, and cling only with regards to my own wants/desires.

But I hope nobody is troubled by it if I am always this selfish.

Fermi, yuuerha, sunshinensnow and 4 others like this.

Comments

    1. sunshinensnow Apr 17, 2018
      @Katsono About compulsive liars, I don't know, they are usually pretty obvious? So I don't consider them that dangerous, in the end, just pitiful... I want to ask them why and to help them stop it, because they are hurting themselves...

      But I think half-truths are far more difficult to deal with. Lies based on truths are the most confusing. Nothing messes worse with one's head...

      I try to avoid lies in their entirety, if I can, even the stupid white ones, the little ones. Ever since I read a book called Neverending Story as a kid, I have been trying consciously to be as truthful as I can... (It's a great book for adults, too, btw! XD)
    2. sunshinensnow Apr 17, 2018
      I'm a bit at a loss how replies work here since I'm new and all, so excuse me if I get this wrong. My assumption is it's done through tagging...?

      @wither Ah, that was very mature of you to say that. I simply need time to understand this new viewpoint, though I can empathize, too...

      Coming from my particular kind of hell... these types of clones were explained to me in the past as done for entertainment, and I was given the label of "a toy," so with my particular kind of personality, that just didn't go down well at all. XD

      It's just really easy to misunderstand and be misunderstood in this type of situation, I suppose. And it's nice when suddenly one can see another explanation is possible... So thanks! XD
    3. Katsono Apr 15, 2018
      Ah and still, I don't agree anyway. You can only blame yourself for interacting with clingy people and letting them clingy to you, and I think that it's both dishonest and by doing this, you're criticising those people anyway.

      You could just be straightforward and still meet new people, no question of seniority or anything even matters really (at least as far I've observed).

      And it's more comfortable being free than avoiding boundaries.
    4. Katsono Apr 15, 2018
      @sunshinensnow compulsive liars are a hundred times more troublesome and saddening…
    5. Katsono Apr 15, 2018
      Aaaaah makes more sense to me now XD
    6. wither Apr 15, 2018
      @Katsono maybe I should clarify that usually I don’t go seeking people I already know. The winds blows and carries me to new people and places.

      But when you’re in a small place like NUF, you’re bound to meet the same people again. It always makes me smile warmly when my “first meeting” with them represents everything that I like and love about them.

      However, when I’m in a clone, the point is to take a break from my existing friend group. It’s no offense to them, and it’s certainly not the fault of them at all! Rather, it’s my fault — because sometimes I feel like I need to spend some time away.

      It’s difficult to explain.

      @sunshinensnow thank you for sharing! I really do empathize that it must hurt to be on the receiving side...... I don’t deny that it’s a very selfish thing at all, and I don’t have any excuses.

      I think I am especially fortunate because it’s very well known among my friends on NUF that I spawn clones constantly, and I think (?) they are okay with it. Sometimes it is a guessing game for them identifying me.

      And you’re right, most of the time, it doesn’t take very long for them to notice that I am me, and I love them for that too.
      sunshinensnow and Katsono like this.
    7. JackStone Apr 15, 2018
      4Chan anonymity may not be full of rainbows and daisies
    8. sunshinensnow Apr 15, 2018
      Your post has kind of helped me since I know some people like this. Now I understand better. What used to simply offend me doesn't cause the same strong negative reaction when one can actually hear the reasoning behind it...

      Yet, if you would allow me to comment on one aspect of this? Imagine a hypothetical situation, please. Imagine there's someone who can always tell it's you. Day in and day out, they have to listen to lies, keep a straight face, and try to understand. Why is this happening? Why is this person clearly lying to me when I'm being honest with them? Do you even understand how much that would hurt them, break them with time?

      Don't take it to heart or anything. Just food for thought, and a stranger's two cents...
      Katsono and wither like this.