Jealousy

Author

AliceShiki

『Alea's Wife』『Deeply In Love <3』『Mrs. Tree』, Female
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This is my 2nd time on a relationship, and I have started feeling something I had forgotten I had felt... Rather, until I started this blog post (in other words, right now), I was pretty sure it was the first time I felt like this.
If the title isn't obvious enough, I'm talking about jealousy.

My first time feeling jealousy was so absolutely weird that I prefer to not comment much into it, I was jealous of a single person that was obviously worth much less on my partner's eyes than me, but I still felt jealous of her anyway... That's about as much as I'll go into it.

This time I'm feeling a more concrete form of jealousy I think... I'm not jealous of someone my partner is spending time with... I'm jealous of my partner not spending that time with me.

I feel kinda horrible for feeling it though... I think it's normal to feel some jealousy, but it feels like I am trying to control my partner's life, so I end up not talking about how I'm feeling on this matter for the most part... But I don't feel like holding my feelings in either, I usually get quite troubled if I hold them for too long, so this is a way of putting them out there I guess.

It's like... If my girlfriend is online talking to others I'm like... Why isn't she talking directly to me? I'm waiting for her, when will she come to me? I'm right here!
At others we're talking, but she doesn't start replying after a few seconds of me waiting, then I start wondering if she is talking to someone else, if she is splitting her attention, if she is not dedicating herself solely to me...

It feels so absurd... Like... Hello? I'm not the only person that exists in her life, her world doesn't revolve around me, she has her own friends, her own hobbies and her own things that she care for, it's normal that she won't spend every single bit of her time for me... But I can't help feeling like this anyway! I can't help feeling like she should be all mine and only mine, I want her for me me and me only!

Funnily enough, I don't want control over her life, rather, I wouldn't mind if she took control of most of my life... I want her to be mine, but I don't mind if she's the one taking all decisions and leading me by hand, I just want the whole of her to me.

Am I crazy? Probably not, I feel like this, but I don't act on it... Or well, not much on it I think, I hold most of it back within the depths of my heart most of the time. I think I can control those possessive feelings well enough for them to not be a problem... But they still plague me anyway. Still haunt me and make me desire something that... In all honesty, would just make the relationship crumble.

As in, even if she was fine with dedicating her whole life to me, I think this would just stress the both of us... 2 people are too little for a single life, even if you have children it is still too little... We need more, we need relatives, friends, games, parties and what not... We need other people before we come back to the ones we love the most... Dedicating ourselves whole to only a very very small amount of people is a recipe for disaster... At least I think so. Of course the people we love deserve and should receive plenty of dedication, just... Not 100% 24/7, we need rest too, even rest from our loved ones, for as crazy as it sounds.


Ah, I kinda derailed a bit there... Well, it doesn't matter... The point is, I'm feeling jealous, I'm jealous of pretty much everyone near her for as long as she is not talking to me.

It's kinda amazing, because I almost started a talk about that today (or was it yesterday, hard to say when we're 12h apart in timezones), I was going to ask if I did something wrong, because she wasn't paying as much attention to me as when we started dating, because she was taking too long to reply, because her whole free time wasn't mine...

And I felt how ridiculous this was, because after we exchanged 2 sentences or so, those feelings were completely gone, and I got the dumb smile I always have when talking to her, back on my face.

I wonder if this much jealousy is "normal"... I think everyone feels some jealousy when dating, but I have no idea how much is "normal" and how much is not, I have almost no experience with it. What I do have, is my own common sense I guess... Telling me how much would be too much to act upon. It's kinda hard to hold back on it even if I know it's outrageous to do it though.

Well, that's why I open up like this anyway~

Matsurika, Twig, Ddraig and 1 other person like this.

Comments

    1. AliceShiki May 3, 2018
      @Kitsune Alea Ah, I can get that feeling, I had a hard time making friends overall, just...

      Well, I had a few close friends, and was somehow able to withstand having nobody to talk to when none of them was available... I think I spent almost the whole of my 3rd year of HS without talking to anyone within the school.

      It was kinda sad, but I could handle it... I don't think I could handle it nowadays though! I'm a lot more sociable than before! >.<

      I'm glad I have my wonderful wife to keep me company though~ *kisses*
      Kitsune Alea likes this.
    2. Kitsune Alea May 3, 2018
      Making friends has always been difficult for me. So, when that person didn’t talk to me, who I also had some feelings for, I would end up not having anyone to talk with, potentially for an entire week or so~
      *kisses*
    3. AliceShiki May 3, 2018
      @Kitsune Alea *kisses* Mmmmmm, I think I never had jealousy of friend A not talking to me, and instead talking to someone else~

      I get jealous if my girlfriend is talking to someone else instead of to me~ *giggles*

      I love you~
      Kitsune Alea likes this.
    4. Kitsune Alea May 3, 2018
      When I was younger, maybe up until 23?? I also felt jealously of wonder why such and such friend isn’t talking to me...
    5. Osamaru Apr 16, 2018
      "jealously" itself is perfectly normal, and I would venture to say that someone who DOESN'T get jealous at some point in time, should take a long hard look at what they really feel.
      However, the problem comes when you let that jealousy grow unattended. Let it spread and coke you. Being "healthy" means recognizing those feelings and dealing with them in an appropriate time and manner. YOU'RE the one who taught me that remember? Hehehehe ^___^.

      Its like Gardening. No mater how hard you try, how "perfect" the conditions of your garden are, you will find weeds. You have to get down and dirty and do some weeding. Ya, sometimes you'll prick your finger on a thistle or thorn, but if you don't then your Garden will be overrun and choked out. Not only that, but when you do try and finally remove the weeds, they will be far harder to get rid of, and far more thorns to worry about.
      yuuerha, doomeye1337 and AliceShiki like this.
    6. Anon Ymous Apr 16, 2018
    7. AliceShiki Apr 16, 2018
      @Anon Ymous *laughs*

      No worries, I have no intention of going yandere!!! xD
      Anon Ymous likes this.
    8. Anon Ymous Apr 16, 2018
      i couldn't tell that under that cheerful personality easy to make fun of(byrane)
      you have a yandere sleeping within you !!!
      do not awaken it !!
      doomeye1337 likes this.