This is my 2nd time on a relationship, and I have started feeling something I had forgotten I had felt... Rather, until I started this blog post (in other words, right now), I was pretty sure it was the first time I felt like this.
If the title isn't obvious enough, I'm talking about jealousy.
My first time feeling jealousy was so absolutely weird that I prefer to not comment much into it, I was jealous of a single person that was obviously worth much less on my partner's eyes than me, but I still felt jealous of her anyway... That's about as much as I'll go into it.
This time I'm feeling a more concrete form of jealousy I think... I'm not jealous of someone my partner is spending time with... I'm jealous of my partner not spending that time with me.
I feel kinda horrible for feeling it though... I think it's normal to feel some jealousy, but it feels like I am trying to control my partner's life, so I end up not talking about how I'm feeling on this matter for the most part... But I don't feel like holding my feelings in either, I usually get quite troubled if I hold them for too long, so this is a way of putting them out there I guess.
It's like... If my girlfriend is online talking to others I'm like... Why isn't she talking directly to me? I'm waiting for her, when will she come to me? I'm right here!
At others we're talking, but she doesn't start replying after a few seconds of me waiting, then I start wondering if she is talking to someone else, if she is splitting her attention, if she is not dedicating herself solely to me...
It feels so absurd... Like... Hello? I'm not the only person that exists in her life, her world doesn't revolve around me, she has her own friends, her own hobbies and her own things that she care for, it's normal that she won't spend every single bit of her time for me... But I can't help feeling like this anyway! I can't help feeling like she should be all mine and only mine, I want her for me me and me only!
Funnily enough, I don't want control over her life, rather, I wouldn't mind if she took control of most of my life... I want her to be mine, but I don't mind if she's the one taking all decisions and leading me by hand, I just want the whole of her to me.
Am I crazy? Probably not, I feel like this, but I don't act on it... Or well, not much on it I think, I hold most of it back within the depths of my heart most of the time. I think I can control those possessive feelings well enough for them to not be a problem... But they still plague me anyway. Still haunt me and make me desire something that... In all honesty, would just make the relationship crumble.
As in, even if she was fine with dedicating her whole life to me, I think this would just stress the both of us... 2 people are too little for a single life, even if you have children it is still too little... We need more, we need relatives, friends, games, parties and what not... We need other people before we come back to the ones we love the most... Dedicating ourselves whole to only a very very small amount of people is a recipe for disaster... At least I think so. Of course the people we love deserve and should receive plenty of dedication, just... Not 100% 24/7, we need rest too, even rest from our loved ones, for as crazy as it sounds.
Ah, I kinda derailed a bit there... Well, it doesn't matter... The point is, I'm feeling jealous, I'm jealous of pretty much everyone near her for as long as she is not talking to me.
It's kinda amazing, because I almost started a talk about that today (or was it yesterday, hard to say when we're 12h apart in timezones), I was going to ask if I did something wrong, because she wasn't paying as much attention to me as when we started dating, because she was taking too long to reply, because her whole free time wasn't mine...
And I felt how ridiculous this was, because after we exchanged 2 sentences or so, those feelings were completely gone, and I got the dumb smile I always have when talking to her, back on my face.
I wonder if this much jealousy is "normal"... I think everyone feels some jealousy when dating, but I have no idea how much is "normal" and how much is not, I have almost no experience with it. What I do have, is my own common sense I guess... Telling me how much would be too much to act upon. It's kinda hard to hold back on it even if I know it's outrageous to do it though.
Well, that's why I open up like this anyway~