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Bad Storm

no thought, head empty
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I feel wrong. Like a waste of space. Someone who's always at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Does that makes sense? Of course it doesn't. Humans just do everything in their power to decipher even the most worthless trash. We want answers. We want truth. We want something just for nothing to disappear.

Horrible, isn't it? Finding ways to be more than an existence. To be more living than just alive. Forcing our ideals to everyone else until a society of ideals is formed. And thus, this society now becomes the next one to force its ideals upon the individuals that made it; calling for another cycle of forced truths.

I hate society. It makes me conform to what it believes to be the norm. And if you never bothered to, it will just beat you up and toss you away until you pass the test of lies with flying colors along being able to integrate it into your daily life, fooling anyone and everyone into believing that this society is the right one and the only one to be followed, believed in with unyielding baseless faith.

But, you know, I hate myself more. Acting so damn awesome as if society has no hold on me when I'm truly alone and weak against it firm grasp. Moaning the fact that I'm weak. Hating the reality that I'm alone despite surrounding myself with people, looking for connections and make life less miserable.

I'm hopeless. Believing things that suits my conceived idea of what life supposed to be: free and real. Free in a way that people, places and events don't matter at all. That these thing are just weights waiting to be cast aside to ensure a voyage of absolute freedom in a world of obligations. Real, where I will never be afraid to be who I am nor express what I want. Real in a way that deceit has no holds to people's hearts and so they themselves stay true to their nature, even if it's the embodiment of darkness.

But how can nature be anything other than itself? It can't. Nature is neither good nor evil. It can't be more than what it is. Honestly, we just want to be more that what we are allowed to and that's why we formed the idea of good and evil. Good can never be good if it has no counter part. We formed good and in the process gave birth to evil. That's how the universal balance works. You sacrifice to gain. And these different variation of sacrifices that individuals do, makes them unique: something more than natural but, at same time, something also less.

But who cares, right? They get what they want. They become something different and in a way perceived it as special. Telling themselves a multitude of times that they are more and more and more and this repetition would lead to solid belief, forming pride, forming dignity and other shitty "good" characteristics. After establishing this, they would then look for others, finding kinship, someone else to support their ever inflating egos. Repeating this search and they'll form a group of individuals who will have same ideas that they see as superior to other groups of collective mindsets. Pitting against each other and tearing apart any fragile connection. At the end of the day, one would win and rise to the top, never realizing that everyone was supposed to be on the same level, where they belong, as dictated by their nature.

But who am I to judge? I'm just a waste of space.

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XiaoYun, eminence grise and Emmyy like this.

Comments

    1. yun yun yun Oct 5, 2018
      *stalking a certain doggo*
      Aiya...

      *stretches back lazily*

      Suddenly had the urge to meet this person...
      I feel like I'll be learning too much from this one...

      The ideals perfectly matches with mine... And it somehow makes me happy...
      Such ideals, I can't express fully... Good thing you placed it to words properly, and that you think of it that way, too...

      I knew a wasn't alone... Am just cramped in my little world, helpless to explore the larger world out there...

      *sighs*
      Maybe one day...
      In the future...
    2. Bad Storm Jun 25, 2018
      @Nami Heartfilia ... That kinda depends on your personal definition of being human haha
    3. Nami Heartfilia Jun 25, 2018
      :blobfearful:
      ... I can't call myself human then. :blobsleepless:
      ...... Just a hu- something passing by.:blobsweat_2:
      ......... Don't mind this something. :blobtired: :blobjoy:
      .................. I'll just be a new blob specie. :blobReach:
      Zone Q11 and Bad Storm like this.
    4. Bad Storm Jun 25, 2018
      @eminence grise +1 on the religion thing. Religion could give people some peace of mind and more happiness (some statiscal data could prove this if I recall correctly)

      Conforming is a personal choice. Whether I go upstream or downstream, all have their own consequences. I just wished that I'm conforming on the right thing (if there really was right or wrong in a world full of abstract ideas). Still need to explore how much I'm willing to conform though. It's a long process probably a lifelong one.

      Sometimes, it's really funny how large of a difference is born out of a simple difference of mindsets. I like my simple life while some wants success, wealth and fame. I do believe most people want this. I did so, too, once upon a time. These goals gives me nothing but insurance that I'll live my simple life. They are nothing but tools to me. That's why I even strive for them when necessary. I never saw them as dreams or desires.

      There lies the problem, I think, I lack dreams. I lack something fundamental to being human. I lack what gives humans motivation to do stuff. I'm trying to remedy that. At least, I think I do try. Only time could tell.

      Lastly (or I believe so), my ideal world would always be an ideal. I don't think I'll ever see the day that it becomes a reality. Yes, I could try be real and free. But, not everyone can. We all have chains and fears and principles we stick to. Sometimes, those were just more important than what is real.

      That's kinda what I like in humans. We are so full of contradictions. We could be nice yet cruel. We could want honesty yet tell lies to not hurt anyone. We could smile so no one would see our pain. We do things because somewhere inside of us, we feel that it's appropriate.

      P. S. I think I'm a cynic so don't mind downer stuff haha. Also, I kinda realized how distorted my worldview could be and I don't want to force it to anyone. I just want to share it in a platform where I could hear what people think of it.

      P. P. S. Thanks for the efforts, replies and advises. Really helps a lot to put things in perspectives. :blob_grin:
    5. eminence grise Jun 25, 2018
      This makes me think of religion. Perhaps people yearn for religion because it provides truth and answers, albeit farfetched ones.

      Do you really have to conform? Not conforming simply means suffering consequences, and it is up to the individual to decide if the benefits of breaking conformity outweigh the downsides of the consequences. And as @Emmyy said, there are places where nonconformity is more acceptable.

      You aren't weak for being unable to throw off society's grasp. You're perfectly normal. Those that are completely free of society's grasp are either stupidly rich, stupidly powerful, or sociopaths. You may believe yourself to be weak but never belief yourself to be powerless. One of the easiest way to lose power is to believe you don't have it in the first place.

      Perhaps it's because I'm an idealist myself, but there is great beauty in ideals. It's literally what dreams are made of. At best, I'm a visionary. At worst, I'm a hopeless romantic. And I would take being a hopeless romantic over being a stuffy cynic any day.

      Your conceived ideas of society being free and real are beautiful. It might be the idealist in me speaking, but I believe they are also achievable.

      Like many things in life, it's all about the mindset. One person's obligation is another person's dream. Graduating from college might be an obligation for Bob, but for me it's a dream and desire. Freedom from obligations is perhaps achieved by replacing obligations with dreams and desires. (I feel like my train of thought has plenty of holes that I haven't considered. But then again, my trains of thought often have more holes than Swiss cheese.)

      With being real, there is nothing stopping someone from being real except perhaps themselves. There are billions of people on Earth and you come across hundreds and thousands in life. Surely, one of them must like the real you. Hold those people close and forget about the rest. The rest can hike it to the gulags for all you should care.

      Be as real or as phony as you want, but the truth is that you are judged no matter what. People are judged for not conforming, judged for conforming, and judged for things they have no control over. You could literally be the most ordinary person and you'd still be judged for being such a Joe Schmoe. It's life. It sucks. But sometimes you've gotta play the game.

      The closest we can get to a non-phony society is maybe an anonymous internet message board like this one. It gives people the freedom to be their purest selves. Well, it's certainly true for me. Perhaps this is about as real as it gets.

      I would also love to reply to what you said about nature but this is getting ridiculously long. Maybe another day.
    6. Bad Storm Jun 25, 2018
      @Emmyy It was complicated to write, too huhu. I salute you for reading through. :blobsalute:

      I never believed that the right way to go is by reverting back to hunters and gatherers (they're a society too, you know XD). It's just that the society as its is today sometimes gets on my nerve, I'm thought that's the way for everyone just on different levels.

      What I desire is a better society, where people could be more real and honest and not get judged cause we don't fit the mold society deemed as correct...(for some reasons, I feel like I don't make sense anymore hahaha).

      I wrote this when I'm on one of my worst days. I feel really horrible. And worthless. And a lot more. Probably the reason for this hate filled writing. But, thank you for advise and tiny bit of light.

      Maybe, I still don't know what I want. Maybe, I still don't know what I'm worth. Maybe, I still don't know how the world really works. But, I'm getting there. I try my best to get there cause the current me just isn't enough for now. I believe that's what we, humans, strive for: continuous improvement.

      P. S. I don't think I mesh well with nonconformist. Ironically, I like living a quiet conformist life. :blobpats:
    7. Emmyy Jun 24, 2018
      That was a complicated read..were humans better off as hunter gatherers who had no time for the complexities of the mind and contemplation..simple needs of shelter and food..no time to consider forming a social hierarchy based on intangible statuses.. Merely roles performed to work in unison in the common goal of survival..
      I sometimes think I would like to lead a simple life, then I think no I would be quickly bored..
      Your life is yours to make of it what you want. If you don't want to conform don't.There is a whole new subculture of nonconformists that work within society and live the way they want. I think sometimes you need to make a path for yourself which is unique to you and makes you happy..I personally have changed paths added a few trails and now wander through life doing what makes me happy. Altho Im young and have no real responsibilities I hope I continue this mindset into the future. It begins with self esteem and a feeling of self worth and confidence I think.. Just by contributing what you think shows you aren't a waste of space or why would you put your thoughts and ideas out there..
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