I'm not sure if I already talked about this topic or not, but I think I did~
It's been a while anyway, I just got back to NUF and well... People put flowers on my grave and stuff and... Well, some people asked why I left and what not, the general answer to this is "RL Happened", but that's not quite true~
The truth is that I was tired of spending my entire day on NUF, it was... A weird feeling. NUF changed, I changed, the people on NUF changed.
Before, back in 2016, I joined and became addicted... NUF became my life and I basically stayed the entire day here, all day, everyday, I missed lots of classes because of NUF, the times I did go to them ended up being unproductive because I was thinking about NUF, and I couldn't do anything properly because my head was not in my RL, but on my Online Life.
NUF was the one place I could be myself, it was a huge release from the constriction of everyday life, I had people I loved and cared for, that I was closer to than anybody I had ever met in person... NUF was a wonderful and blessed place.
However... Time isn't really particularly kind to anyone... I went through a lot of problems here, emotional breakdowns and stuff, I stayed a few months just crying everyday without being able to leave home... It was a tough part in my life, but I slowly got better... And well, time went by, time went by and things changed.
The people that I was once close to started becoming more distant, some disappeared altogether, some stopped coming to NUF and became active only on Discord, then I made new friends, new relationships, new people I was close to... And then they started leaving again... I suppose it can't be helped, online communities don't really have much biding people to it, aside from the other people on the community I guess.
But well... It happened once, it happened twice... Maybe thrice, I don't know anymore... But suddenly, I felt empty. NUF wasn't the place it was anymore, it had changed... Not because the mods changed, not because the policy changed, not because the type of threads changed... What changed were the people, people left and new people came in...
I don't think I'm bad at making friends, rather, I think I'm pretty good at it, I'm pretty open to new people, which would be a huge surprise to anyone that knew me from RL a few years back... But that's how I am now, I don't have a hard time getting close to people... But how close?
I think that's the issue, the closeness I got from the people that were here wasn't the same as the closeness I wanted... Suddenly I was spending time here and I didn't know why anymore, I wasn't really enjoying NUF anymore... Or rather, I was, but not in the way I wanted to enjoy it... I was enjoying it, only to be plagued by guilt because I was supposed to be working instead.
So I just... Stopped. I didn't feel like getting on anymore, and I suddenly stopped... At times I felt like coming back, but I didn't, until I did~
NUF is a very strange place, it's not as special to me anymore, that much is clear to me... However, there is one thing that is really important for me, one thing I can't have anywhere else...
NUF feels like home. NUF is where I feel the most comfortable at. NUF is the only place I can be myself... It's really hard to suddenly go back to RL, to meeting RL friends and having to put a facade, to have to act in a way that isn't me, and while I'm a lot better these days than I have once been, I'm still far far from being able to be myself IRL...
NUF is a shining light in my life I guess... It's a place that I can just feel warm and comfortable in... It's not a place that can be easily substituted by any else~
I'm not sure how things will go in the future, maybe I'll leave for good one day, maybe not, who knows? For now though, NUF is a necessity in my life... I get pretty stressed without being a social person, and I can only be social by being myself here... It's kinda amazing, I was really fine with being anti-social back in the day... I truly changed a lot in the past 2 years... Dear God, it's already been 2 years, time surely flies~
I don't know what else to say, so I guess I'll wrap it up here... Welcome back me~