It's Been A While

Author

AliceShiki

『Alea's Wife』『Deeply In Love <3』『Mrs. Tree』, Female
Messages:
15,082
Likes:
57,864
Points:
689
Blog Posts:
55
I'm not sure if I already talked about this topic or not, but I think I did~

It's been a while anyway, I just got back to NUF and well... People put flowers on my grave and stuff and... Well, some people asked why I left and what not, the general answer to this is "RL Happened", but that's not quite true~

The truth is that I was tired of spending my entire day on NUF, it was... A weird feeling. NUF changed, I changed, the people on NUF changed.

Before, back in 2016, I joined and became addicted... NUF became my life and I basically stayed the entire day here, all day, everyday, I missed lots of classes because of NUF, the times I did go to them ended up being unproductive because I was thinking about NUF, and I couldn't do anything properly because my head was not in my RL, but on my Online Life.

NUF was the one place I could be myself, it was a huge release from the constriction of everyday life, I had people I loved and cared for, that I was closer to than anybody I had ever met in person... NUF was a wonderful and blessed place.

However... Time isn't really particularly kind to anyone... I went through a lot of problems here, emotional breakdowns and stuff, I stayed a few months just crying everyday without being able to leave home... It was a tough part in my life, but I slowly got better... And well, time went by, time went by and things changed.

The people that I was once close to started becoming more distant, some disappeared altogether, some stopped coming to NUF and became active only on Discord, then I made new friends, new relationships, new people I was close to... And then they started leaving again... I suppose it can't be helped, online communities don't really have much biding people to it, aside from the other people on the community I guess.

But well... It happened once, it happened twice... Maybe thrice, I don't know anymore... But suddenly, I felt empty. NUF wasn't the place it was anymore, it had changed... Not because the mods changed, not because the policy changed, not because the type of threads changed... What changed were the people, people left and new people came in...

I don't think I'm bad at making friends, rather, I think I'm pretty good at it, I'm pretty open to new people, which would be a huge surprise to anyone that knew me from RL a few years back... But that's how I am now, I don't have a hard time getting close to people... But how close?

I think that's the issue, the closeness I got from the people that were here wasn't the same as the closeness I wanted... Suddenly I was spending time here and I didn't know why anymore, I wasn't really enjoying NUF anymore... Or rather, I was, but not in the way I wanted to enjoy it... I was enjoying it, only to be plagued by guilt because I was supposed to be working instead.

So I just... Stopped. I didn't feel like getting on anymore, and I suddenly stopped... At times I felt like coming back, but I didn't, until I did~


NUF is a very strange place, it's not as special to me anymore, that much is clear to me... However, there is one thing that is really important for me, one thing I can't have anywhere else...

NUF feels like home. NUF is where I feel the most comfortable at. NUF is the only place I can be myself... It's really hard to suddenly go back to RL, to meeting RL friends and having to put a facade, to have to act in a way that isn't me, and while I'm a lot better these days than I have once been, I'm still far far from being able to be myself IRL...

NUF is a shining light in my life I guess... It's a place that I can just feel warm and comfortable in... It's not a place that can be easily substituted by any else~

I'm not sure how things will go in the future, maybe I'll leave for good one day, maybe not, who knows? For now though, NUF is a necessity in my life... I get pretty stressed without being a social person, and I can only be social by being myself here... It's kinda amazing, I was really fine with being anti-social back in the day... I truly changed a lot in the past 2 years... Dear God, it's already been 2 years, time surely flies~

I don't know what else to say, so I guess I'll wrap it up here... Welcome back me~

lychee, Seraphic, Nino Sasou and 7 others like this.

Comments

    1. AliceShiki Aug 11, 2018 at 3:40 PM
      @doomeye1337 Hmmmmmm... I do have some relatively close friends IRL, but it doesn't help that I hate myself in many aspects, so it's hard to just be myself IRL in general...

      NUF is not only a comfortable place, but also a place I don't have to deal with myself... It's a lot easier to do things properly when it's like this~
      lychee, Naraku and doomeye1337 like this.
    2. Nino Sasou Aug 10, 2018 at 11:51 AM
      Welcome back ~
    3. Tycheri Aug 10, 2018 at 2:19 AM
      That part about the place not changing, but the people hit me hard, so true. I think it's easy to make friends, but it's hard to find friends that match your wavelength. And I think everybody gets burned out on things they do too often.
      AliceShiki likes this.
    4. doomeye1337 Aug 10, 2018 at 1:25 AM
      guess you got homesick when you were away, but you only had neighbors instead of family when you were home :p Nevertheless, even an empty home is a home, esp if it's the only place where you feel that you can be yourself. That freedom of expression is pretty important in an individual's development and self-actualization.

      Modern life itself makes it hard to be in someone else's life if your schedules don't at the very least sync up once in awhile. Internet doesn't really help with that syncing up part either XD Gotta admit though, I'm one of those that'll sometimes disconnect for awhile just because I'm not feeling it that day, week, or even month.

      In any case, one solution may be to develop some deep friendships irl. Doesn't have to be more than a couple of people, but if you have those few people you can be close to and be true to yourself around, you'd be able to turn nuf into less of a social dependency since online seems to be less reliable in terms of maintaining long term intimate friendships. Ofc that's a lot harder and luck dependent than it sounds, but esp if you live in a densely populated area, even if you have to filter thru tons of trash, you should be able to find some jewels :blobcheeky:
      lychee and AliceShiki like this.
    5. Slayerwolfx2 Aug 9, 2018 at 11:45 PM
      Well, at least I know for sure I won't be leaving NUF, so we can be friends... if you follow me *nudge nudge* jk

      If you ever see me offline for more than a week, assume I'm dead.
      (Call 100, that's the police's number here in Greece~)

      Even sooner, considering the longest I've ever stayed off NUF was about two days, and another one that was 11 days when I didn't have internet, and yeah... no internet, no NUF.

      So, how were your days, dear Asura Empress?
      I mean, real life problems aside, this is fantasy life!
      *think about isekai in Novel Updates Forums style~*
    6. Pandamonic Aug 9, 2018 at 11:33 PM
      Yeah, I once experienced this too everyday I always lurks and read here in NUF. But I realized that it was consuming too much of my time so I decided to make a schedule for extra activity for my own musings. It worked, most of the time.
    7. Naraku Aug 9, 2018 at 5:13 PM
      :cookie:.
      :blobReach::blobReach::blobReach:.
      AliceShiki likes this.
    8. Emmyy Aug 9, 2018 at 5:06 PM
      You are so awesome ! I hope to read more of your blogs in future.. I always enjoy them !
      AliceShiki likes this.