When you have an @Ai chan -style dream and it leaves you very perplexed.

Aren't wet dreams supposed to be a thing of puberty?
@lychee writes stuff - blog post #7
Accompanying listening music: city girl | time falls like moonlight [full album]

Hiya, this is lychee speaking.

The totally clickbait-style title aside, this post isn't really about wet dreams.

I actually don't really get them (or maybe I do but I don't remember them? how can you even tell with dreams?). Believe me, there are probably some times when I was younger that I even wished I could have one (*cough* you know... regarding that crush or two back in middle/high school?), but dreams don't quite just appear like that. I'm almost convinced that it's reverse psychology.

In either case, I don't think I've ever had a wet dream.

I might be slightly rotten (aren't we all?), but my dreams are generally quite platonic.

So I guess I've always found it curious whenever @Ai chan writes one of her many dream diary posts, because it seems somewhat alien of a concept to me? How do people even get wet dreams?

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Anyways, last night I had a dream, and the first thought I had upon waking up (quite literally) was: "Oh, so that's an @Ai chan dream."

And it stuck in my head for quite a while because I've definitely never had a dream so quite blatantly risque in a sense?

Although I would hesitate to call it a "wet dream" because it still wasn't one. It wasn't really erotic at all even though the topic might be considered taboo.

I've written about at least one of my dreams in the past, and when I'm able to write them down when I still remember them, I often find them quite fascinating. People do dream interpretations and stuff, although I'm never quite sure exactly what to make of them myself.

I think some of these dreams speak for themselves, so I think I'll try my best to summarize this one even though to be honest I've already forgotten a lot of details. The dream was more powerful and convincing when I woke up than what I'm able to recall right now.

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Before beginning though, I think it's important to give some context.

For about a year, one of the most memorable catch phrases I had put as lychee's title was "You're all perverted!"

Originally, the phrase was sort of a self-parody of the fact that supposedly, @yuzuki (my main account) has a very pure and refined and professional and puritan persona. Frankly, I'm like that in real life (just as I'm sure even the lewdest @CupcakeNinja is as well), although it's especially exacerbated by the typical gender role-specific sense of what what a "proper" lady or what-have-you is supposed to be like, as many of you probably are well familiar with.

In short, it's bad for a girl to look like a slut.

Though I think in reality, we all have our own weird and strange things that we end up intrigued and interested in.

Encountering the boys love / yaoi movement was something quite revolutionary for me because, mainly, it communicated to me that there were all these things that my peers enjoyed and importantly, it wasn't abnormal to like these (sometimes hardcore) things. And well... that was quite a lot for somebody like me who more or less grew up with the constant messaging that impure = bad bad bad bad bad! I honestly think that a lot of girls grow up with extremely twisted complexes about their own sexualities/bodies and it's really messed up.

Yeah... really messed up.

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There are two novels and one manga that I think I can quite easily identify as the main source material for the dream.

The first is Kusuriya no Hitorigoto.

The second is JK Haru wa Isekai de Shoufu ni Natta.

The third is Kanojo, Okarishimasu

All have prostitution as a topic (the second one especially, since it's R18), and the two novels are female MC. I think I can recommend both novels for most people (male or female), although the second has major trigger warnings for plenty of unhappy sexual things. JK Haru is actually quite feminist and the translator is female, although the setting of the novel itself is heavily misogynistic (=otaku male fantasy) and is basically about completely deconstructing/parodying the entire male-centric isekai genre since MC basically becomes a prostitute to survive the isekai transmigration/male power fantasy.

I read both of these novels quite a long time ago, and not any time recent, so I'm not quite sure why I ended up having a dream like this right now.

But here goes nothing, anyways.

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Dream Reflection​

Basically, in this dream, I'm a prostitute, and I think of myself using that word.

Although, when the dream begins, it is probably more accurate to describe the atmosphere of an idol group crossed with a being a waitress at a tavern/inn. This is because at my age in the dream (something like around a teenager?), I've actually had zero exposure to anything ero-related despite the fact that I'm part of a prostitution house. Most of my time, I spend doing tedious work like picking up dirty dishes, wiping down tables, and working at the cash register. The environment is actually quite grimy and disgusting because well, it's kinda like a bar.

Honestly, I think it would have been perfectly valid if I simply said that I was a "waitress", because that was basically what I did, but I remember distinctly thinking of myself as a prostitute. Self-identity is a strange thing.

There's maybe a dozen or more of us girls.

Importantly, some of them are more popular than the rest of us.

The way this prostitution house works is that it's a tavern/bar/inn. Guests can come to order meals and eat food normally, but there's also an option for a guest to request one of the girls/waitresses to basically go to a private room for snusnu/sleep (or really anything) for a fee.

It's actually a big deal for us waitresses because apparently we don't make enough money, and most of our salary(?) (compensation?) comes from sex, so among the girls it's highly competitive and everyone is constantly watching who gets requested and who doesn't. Even though there's no open conflict, it's a really uncomfortable environment that I don't like.

In short, even though I'm a prostitute/waitress, I really want to be requested.

But, well, here's the ironic part:

Given my self esteem, it's obvious that I'm towards the bottom of the popularity ranking in my own dream. XD

I've never been requested before, so in other words, in this dream, even though I'm a prostitute, I've never done anything prostitute-related. Talk about an existential crisis, right?!

In fact, it seemed like I had been there for quite some time already, so I mean, I was genuinely starting to become worried about my situation. Here I am, the person in the rags just wiping down dirty tables in the corner that nobody really pays attention to??? Am I going to starve like this?

It's quite something to be... ignored... right?

Basically, I'm something like worthless???

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Oh, I should stop for a moment and clarify that my dream logic is really quite strange.

There isn't really a reason for why I'm never requested other than it just is that way. XD

My self-confidence runs in a direction such that I don't really have a complex about my figure (I don't think I'm unattractive), although I guess in this dream I'm quite unkempt and dirty (most of the other girls are too). IRL, I think most of my lack of confidence stems from how I view my own social awkwardness and poor ability to socialize. I'm not quite sure how that would translate into a prostitution setting, but I guess the feeling ended up remaining in the dream???

The feeling that I had in the dream -- I'd identify as the feeling of what it's like to be on Twitter when you post something that you felt was meaningful. Even though you have a bunch of friends, you don't get any responses or likes or really anything. It's just empty.

No response.

And meanwhile you can sort of see your feed trickling by with tons of chatter because everyone else is closer friends with each other than they are to you (since you're just a tiny satellite orbiting the main group).

Basically, it's the feeling of being buried in the dust because you're out-stone by the more brilliant people around you. Your message got entirely missed because nobody saw it (thinking optimistically). Or perhaps nobody really cared in the first place? (thinking pessimistically).

Anyways, here I am in in this dream. A prostitute. I'm selling something that is quite important to me, but it seems like this thing that is important to me apparently doesn't have much value in the eyes of others, I guess.

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So the ML of this dream is a nameless guy that I will call Hiro (though he really doesn't have a name in the dream). To be perfectly honest, I don't really know much about him (apart from the fact that I think he's much older than me) and I guess I wasn't really aware of him until he started talking to me one day.

After some time, basically this dude was the only person who would talk to me.

And well... that meant a lot.

And I guess ever since he started talking to me, he started to be the only person that I cared about.

If you know me well IRL, you probably know that I like making things. I make games, I make ideas, I make stories, I make drawings, I make translations, and I make dozens and dozens of things. I've done a lot of this ever since I was really little.

It takes a lot of effort to make something. It takes a lot of time and toiling around on something that probably wouldn't be that interesting if you had a short attention span. It's really tedious and generally speaking, the process isn't that rewarding. Take translations for example... the amount of time that goes into a single one... the effort that goes to studying the language... the process isn't really all that exhilarating.

I think what I look forward to the most when I make something is the feeling that I get when I finish it.

Or perhaps, I like the feeling of sharing it with other people.

Back when I used to draw, the best part of making a drawing and uploading it on deviantart was receiving comments. The artwork that I uploaded always ended up being a lot more meaningful to me than the doodles in my math notebook that nobody else ever saw. Doodles end up just staying as doodles (which were drawn to kill time) if you don't share it with someone. However, the desire to share something with others elevates the process of making art to something much more profound.

I actually remember the day I got dumped in my first relationship as clear as day because I was drawing on that night. I went into a conversation all excited to go show my significant other the artwork I had drawn, and I left the conversation with us having broken up. XD

Ironically, some days latter I ended up showing that same drawing to Haru (who I'm currently dating), and Haru's first reaction was completely disinterested: "Did you trace that?" (I drew for real, seriously!!)

Anyways, sharing the product of a creative process is important to me.

I've definitely had the experience of working on something for months (e.g. a writing roleplay or a game), and after finally launching it, there's nobody who ends up playing it.

It's actually... a really sad feeling, to be honest.

I think that artists view a lot of their creations as some form of baby, so it's natural to get attached, I think. Especially after spending so much time making it. I guess it's kind of like a shorter, more painless version of being pregnant???

I've also had situation when only one person joins. Even though the game was designed for lots of people, the feeling of having one person joining is actually an enormous big deal.

If you're an unpopular writer, that one comment that you get can feel like the world. It matters so so so so much more than I think can be easily conveyed. It barely makes sense why it matters so much. But sometimes it feels like it means so much that you could even cry (maybe an exaggeration?).

I think to me, maybe that one comment means that you touched somebody.

That it wasn't entirely worthless after all.

If you were able to touch one person, at least it meant something.

And I think that means a lot to me. I'm really afraid of being worthless, I think.

Especially online? Aren't we all just bytes and pixels? In a way, I'm not any more real to you than a game you pick up on your console, right? It's just data. All this you see on your screen isn't me -- but rather it's just data that is static. Depending on how long NUF stays online, I guess these set of words will float on the Internet indefinitely.

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I'm not sure if Hiro talked so much to me because he pitied me, or if he actually enjoyed it.

However, in this dream, over weeks or so, it doesn't take too much time for me to fall in love with him (even though he's nameless). He ends up being the only person I look at and I end up feeling quite territorial about him. (funny how much time can pass in a dream, right?)

The quasi-ero parts of this dream are approximately around here.

He "requests" (read: purchases) me a few times, although still we don't do anything in our sessions in a private room even though at this point I'm starting to secretly want to. Heh. Funny how I'm so good at denying myself in my own dreams, right? XD

Anyways, I guess he's just the type that respects me so much that he doesn't want to do it in a coerced unilateral situation where the power is so unbalanced between us, which I guess it sort of the textbook kind of guy girls like (in supposed theory). Though frankly at this point I think I just want him to use buy out all of my debt or something so I don't have to deal with this prostitution life and so I can get out of this place.

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There's a huge gap in my dream here. Time skip??????

Anyways, my relationship with Hiro ends up being stagnant. I think it's more of Hiro not being interested or willing for some vague reason or another. I'm not sure why it doesn't work out. Knowing me, it's probably at least vaguely my fault in some way or another.

The horrible part is, much like the way it is in real life, having one popular person pay attention to an unpopular somebody is sort of like an endorsement saying "This person is cool so it's okay to date them!", and all of a sudden there's a lot more new people who are interested in "requesting" me.

The sad part is that I'm not interested in all these new people at all, because obviously all of my feelings are still with "Hiro".

But I can't really turn down the "requests" because I'm a prostitute, and we don't really have a freedom towards that kind of thing.

So the dream ends on a really bitter note with me with me in a huge mess of physical relationships/sex/intimacy that I don't want to be in. Even though I'm crying/hurt sometimes, I put up my wall and shell-like defense mechanism and contradictorily embrace my identity as a prostitute and try to get be even more successful in my job than ever before.

Through all of my blurry vision that can still only see Hiro in the sea of faceless people, Hiro is somewhere there in the distance.

He looks sad, somehow.

The end.

Totally gloomy, right? Yeah...