I just wanted to write something, because I get sadder by the minute and my life is going to shit

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Luxican

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Hello!
I'm finally sad enough to actually make this post...yay! I guess?
Well, first and foremost I'm not a native speaker, so bear with me.
I figured I would start with the most recent event:
The only person I consider my friend, suddenly stopped contacting me.
I don't have a phone right now, it broke right before the corona-crisis, so I tried writing to her via E-Mail and Wattpad (because I don't have any other social media...once again yay!). At first everything was well, we had nice conversations and everything, it was very fun, but I wanted to try something for a long time now, I had the idea of translating a novel myself, I had already found the novel I wanted to translate and even translated some chapters, so I asked her if she wanted to be my proofreader/ editor. At first she agreed, and I told her she could take her time with the chapters. I started sending the first two chapters to her, she responded with 'she was very tired' and would probably do it tomorrow, of course I agreed and told her not to worry, she didn't have to do them immediately, but I would send her two chapters everyday. She didn't respond to any of my messages after that, not the E-Mails nor the Wattpad messages. I have already sent her 10 chapters by now and even told her if she didn't want to do she could just tell me I won't be mad about something trivial like this, I also asked her if she was alright but got no response, I don't know what to do anymore...and I'm very sad, because I don't have any idea about what I did wrong ( I'm just a ball of insecurities by the way), but I still blame myself.
So did anyone experience something similar and knows what to do in this situation?

Now something different, if you feel like everything around you is shit and you're the same, what would you do?
I mean that all in an I-despise-my-whole-being-way, I don't feel loved in my family and I can't bring me to love, not even like, myself, and this has been going on for a few years now. I don't see and want a future for myself in this society, instead I thought of some other scenarios I could live with, grade from most likely and favorite to the least likely:
1.) I end it before it begins (the latest would be at the age of twenty, I'm 16), 2.) I try very hard to become an artist (unlikely but I would actually love this), 3.) I become a nun, 4.) and lastly I join the military.

And now for the finale of this post, I'm part of an awesome class, where I had a mental break down at the end of my first year , and the beginning of the second year, I also don't know what happened, but it seems like the first friend I made at that school, suddenly had a change of mind at the end of the first year and broke of all relations with me, and I didn't do anything except for inviting her to a (kind of) birthday party, where we would go eat, and then go to the cinema (all that with the other friend already mentioned in this post), which she refused on the same day it was supposed to happen (I was also not mad at her, even though she did that). And lastly my grades are dropping, my parents, that never actually cared that much about what I did, and instead gave me a ton of irrational fears, are extremely angry with me, but I can't get myself to do anything and I often simulate sickness to stay at home (even though it's also not that great), because if truth be told I would be more than glad to stay back a year and join my sister's class (that's how awful the only-girls-classmates of mine are), but my teachers are also mad at me and I feel bad for doing this, but just can't stop doing it. And one of the reasons I came up with was, I could potentially achieve anything, and would still only get a bit of praise, and a few jokes about it, while nobody really cares.
Anyone feel/felt something similar?
How did you deal with it?
Other opinions?

HNCKrstl, Kalto and imK like this.

Comments

    1. nathanix Mar 26, 2020 at 9:36 PM
      Wow.. the topic here is pretty much uh... deep and that is stress, I think you're thinking too much... like you focused on one problem too much and ignored all other things.
      TokioftheBel and imK like this.
    2. Ficklyfrim Mar 26, 2020 at 11:58 AM
      Pull yourself together.
    3. Nobody Mar 26, 2020 at 7:45 AM
      It's better to have this time for cultivation of self love and for relaxation. We know the world is not all unicorns and butterlies, and it can really make your life sh*t, but that doesn't mean you can make yourself even sh*tier. I'm not the best person who gives advices, but if you think you can't hold on anymore, remember, God will not give you something you can't handle.

      Hang in there.
      TokioftheBel and imK like this.
    4. Ficklyfrim Mar 26, 2020 at 7:25 AM
      i was hoping to find a tl;dr
      Maomaomao likes this.
    5. imK Mar 26, 2020 at 4:53 AM
      It sounds like your friend is either busy or doesn't want to do it. There's only two reasons she's not contacting you: She's busy or she doesn't want to. It's completely normal to feel sad about it. You've done what you can by trying to get in touch and there's nothing more you can do about that. As for your translations, go post in any groups/ask in the translator's corner here on NUF about the fact you're looking for a proof-reader/editor. Ask for help and ye shall receive. Try posting the same in the novels section of the forums. You might pick someone up from there too.

      You externalize and create conditions on your own happiness and well-being. The only thing that shit tends to create, is more shit. You look for happiness in your friends, your family, basically anywhere but yourself. Are you really going to tell me that you are so unworthy, so fucking terrible a person, that you are patently unable to ever have or enjoy a good life of your own making? If that is your mindset, you are so seriously and thoroughly wrong. The very fact you were born in the first place is a goddamn miracle in its own right. I'm not saying you have to like yourself, but you should at least respect yourself by giving you more credit.

      It all comes down to willpower and what you're willing to do for yourself in order to build the life you want. I don't mean that in a buy-my-shit, 40% off way either. You say you want to be an artist - I'm gonna assume one that can pay the bills with their art - then go all in. Start with your habits. Eat properly, exercise regularly, drink water, all that basic stuff you know you should be doing. Go to bed on time. Spend your spare time doing shit that either nourishes your need for rest, fun time, or is going to get you to your goal. Look at the artists who are successful in what you want to be doing. Study them. What did they do? What kind of habits do they have? What can you adapt into your own life? How are you plotting out your own path in life to get to where you say you want to be? What do you need to change?

      Start doing it. Plans are great and action is better. You're going to fail. No point feeling anxious about it, it happens. Get comfortable with that thought and get committed to learning from all the mistakes you make, so you improve and move past them in the future. Keep a diary or vlog or w/e tf people do these days, I don't know. You can't control what anybody else does or how they react to you, but you have 100% responsibility on the choices you make and where that takes you. People are drawn to people who are living a life which makes them genuinely happy. Like attracts like. It's as old as time because it's true. Build up your small triumphs and turn them into bigger ones consistently. It took a while for your life to shape itself to how it is now and it's going to take a while for you to shape it in the direction you want it to go.

      I wish you all the best.