I tried to anchor myself.

Author

Sherrynity

I see no God up there… other than the chaotic void, Male
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People tend to cling into something to define themselves.
Either as a ground to stand on, a point to look back, or maybe a belief to keep moving forward.

You know, I have this tree… or maybe plant? Creeping plant to be exact.
It's a Piper Betle. I planted this child about 12-13 years ago.
Previously, I always failed to raised this type of plant. They never survived, killed either by fungus, insect, snail, etc. But finally, I succeeded. It was growing healthily, creeping on my fence, spreading its leaves everywhere.
This plant has religious use in my region, even considered as sacred and have many myths surrounding it, so sometimes people ask for its leaves, or asking whether I have any seedling or so. I always glad to fulfill their requests, as this plant can be considered as my pride.

Today, that plant was cut down.

Sure, it's not fully cut down, but it lost about 70% of its body. Their argument was something along 'the plant needs to be cut down so the fence will looks better'(?)

I couldn't bring myself seeing them cut it down, but I have no voice here. Even if I refused, they will ask again few weeks later. Tbh the agenda itself already planned since last year but I always rejected it, yet it seemed they were fixated to finally doing it this time no matter what, that was why I relented to them.

When I saw their ‘finished work’… I don't know. I just felt… nothing.
Nothing, as in, I don't care anymore.
More than a decade worth of life, was cut down to make rows of cold steel to look good.

… I don't know. I just feel nothing matters anymore. It feels like I've lost something precious.
Sure, the plant is still here. I bet it will survives for another decade.
But they already cut it down. A decade of life. A decade spent to raise. A decade of growth I nurtured. They just… snip, snip, and it's gone.

And as I saw that scene, I felt… something like a strand, was cut down inside me.



…I'm currently looking for job, but this Corona ruined the economy, so it's kinda difficult to find one.
Once I get a fixed job… I think I'll move from here. My home.

I don't know. I might be overreacting, but… I truly feels lost right now.

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Comments

    1. Sherrynity Mar 29, 2020
      I know. I just realized that I'm so attached to this plant after they cut it down.

      Maybe deep inside I know this plant is special. Maybe that's why I fervently rejected the idea of cutting it.

      I know the plant itself hasn't died yet. Even so, there's this sense of loss that refuses to disappears. It feels as if there's this incompleteness that came out of nowhere.

      Maybe this lockdown is getting into me. I just want to take a relaxing stroll somewhere, but with this Corona, I don't want to bear the risk of becoming carrier to my family.
      AMissingLinguist likes this.
    2. SummerForest Mar 29, 2020
      Friend, a decade is sure a long time enough to grow such attachment and I can understand how this loss affects you in your current situation. Yet, isn't it good that the plant is still alive and will continue to do so? I've a huge tree at my parent's place and there's some neighbours clamouring for cutting it down for no reason at all. My bro is hell bent on protecting it, but idk how long he'll be able to do so.
      I hope you will understand what I am sayin.
      Take care, mate~
      AMissingLinguist and Sherrynity like this.
    3. pass1478 Mar 29, 2020
      Mate. You got a friend, family member, girlfriend, or someone that you can talk to? As random strangers on the internet, we really can't help outside of saying mere words of encouragement or advices.

      Have you tried applying for jobs in the internet? If not, then you should try it. I think it's pretty high in demand right now. Well, that depends on your qualifications. I give private math lessons, and the pay's quite okay (enough to provide for myself while having some financial leeway.)

      Also, you should try to be less sentimental. I mean, it's okay to be sentimental and attached to things and people, but don't let it get you down and negatively affect you. Easier said than done, I know, but you should try to do so.
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