Well, I had thought about writing a little about things that have made me think lately in blog... you know, to get a hold of them and find a way forward.
And, well, since @AliceShiki decided to write about her life and feelings, I thought it would be good to do the same... after all, I had already thought about writing about it for my sake, so it'd be even better if someone else might get something interesting or useful out of it. So, the level of details in this story is largely for your sake.
Anyway, I'll start my story from the beginning and according to what I remember.
At the time of my birth, I was an unusual child who didn't cry at all, and charmed older ladies with my bright blue eyes. My father thought I was an alien due to that.
Similarly, when I was a kid, I was a very outgoing and energetic person.. maybe a bit sensitive; I remember I liked to observe snails, playing with other kids... I also hated to eat meat, since I liked animals too and felt it... uncomfortable. I read a lot of joke books and liked to make my relatives laugh too, and it was something at least my grandmother told me she liked about me.
All in all, a pretty alright childhood.
I also distinctly remember hugging a birch tree when I was a kid, too, but unfortunately I was severely allergic to pollen, so the consequences weren't that... pleasant. There were days I woke up without being able to open my eyes even when I was in elementary school due to it...
My family also moved a lot since my mother is a teacher and finding jobs was hard at that time, so I learned to let go of formed friendships early on... I don't remember feeling bad about it, since even if our paths diverged, we still remained friends in my mind.
The first time I was interested in opposite sex was during my elementary school days; as I was an outgoing person, I remember somehow getting others to realize it, and I got to visit her place.
Well, it was all one-sided... I remember that the time I went to visit her, we just sat silently on a bench in complete silence, nothing happened, and I left home. We didn't really associate with each other either... and I remember my dad made fun of my feelings too around that time.
I'm a person who learns and doesn't always compromise about himself, so I never trusted my father or my parents with my personal feelings again. After all, being a sensitive child, I think I hated to be hurt.
So, at tender age of around 11, I started keeping all my real feelings bottled in and learned to make sure conversations and situations never even touched topics I didn't want to address.
After all, I don't have to lie at all if the issue never comes up or if I keep silent.
So, outwardly, nothing changed.
I also remember wanting to become a priest when I was a kid, even though I hadn't really bothered to read holy books or anything by that time... I guess it was just because I felt I wanted to be a good and wise person, and maybe help others. After all, having good will and an open mind has been the very core of my nature for a long time... whether that was learned or not, I don't really know.
Anyway, as a curious kid I got involved with a boy from his suggestion and curiosity, I think. Being naive and all, I didn't think anything about it... just going with the flow and all.
As you may have noticed, I mentioned I wanted to be a priest and felt that God exists and all at that time.
So, after some time passed and I found out it was a mortal sin, my world view collapsed... again around the tender age of 11.
I believed I was destined for hell and eternal damnation, and due to my uncompromising nature, since stoning was the punishment in the Old Testament, that was (and is) the only fit end for me from religion's point-of-view. Demons and such came into my dreams too.
Also, since I have a vivid imagination, and I felt that burning for eternity isn't really that bad, I thought about the worst case scenario... the skeptic one where my existence simply ceases to be.
And let's just say that it was terrifying... all my experiences, feelings and everything... current and past, as if it had never happened. Absolute non-existence.
And I still believe that will be what will befall me when I pass away; non-existence.
That was the first time I seriously contemplated suicide, but in the end didn't since I'm a coward and I felt that it would be unfair to others.
Of course, I never told about my feelings to anyone or showed any outward signs of it... to this day my relatives don't know about it. I just started to avoid spending time with that friend and played more with other people... until of course we again had to move to another city due to my mother's job.
Anyway, relatively soon after, I heard that the girl I had liked started to date with one of the athletic and popular guys, and I was crushed for a short while. I felt no bad feelings for them of course, the guy was one of my friends and a all around good person. It was just about frustration and inadequacy, I guess.
In my studying life, I don't remember ever really getting much help from my parents, and I studied alone and formed my own world view via questions and independent pondering; irrespective of society. So I didn't really fit in with the others and was an odd kid.
So of course I was bullied during the later years of elementary school, and as the passive and weak kid that I was, I never really actively fought with others... only ignored, accepted and let it go.
Some girls confessed to me, but I didn't feel the same way about them, so as a responsible person I turned them down rather bluntly. It would've just hurt them, and me, in the long run... and currently I still feel it was the right thing to do, and all of them seemed happy the last I heard of them.
In later grades of basic education, I again became interested in a member of the opposite sex, since she stood up to the people who bullied me even though I didn't care about them myself; my motivations being that I wanted to talk with her and go for a coffee and a pastry together some time.
So I was quite a debauched person already back then.
Anyway, since I was bullied and my feelings had been made fun of when I had been open about them, I didn't want to talk to her with others present in case she would be inconvenienced or forced by the surrounding society. So, I often waited after school in case I could gather my courage and talk to her, but she was an energetic person who had many friends, so I never did manage it.
At the end of those three years of failure, at the end of the graduation party, I remember she had drunk quite a bit and hugged me, and that was the last time I saw her... we had never really talked even by that point, but I guess my behavior had been obvious to others (but never to me). Last I heard she's happily married with someone at a horse raising farm... she always loved horses.
Well, being the stubborn person I am, it took at least three more years (my college times) to get over it.
I studied alone and spend time with my friends, but I never felt any emotional connection to them or my family. Alone in company, so to speak. I couldn't trust anyone with my feelings even at that point.
Then I went to the army, the cooking school (for a year), and finally university.
I studied diligently by myself, burned out a bit, and so forth. Until that one time when I was again sitting in a dark classroom (since I like dark) and contemplating life, death and suicide -related water and bread stuff, a foreign exchange student girl came to the classroom and asked me why I was sitting there alone in the dark. I don't remember what I responded, but I remember falling in love and hard.
I learned from that time with the girl who loved horses, so this time I was way more forward with my feelings to her and managed to confess, since I was absolutely sure I wanted to talk with her and go for walks in the forest with her (that was my most daring dream regarding opposite sex at that time).
Well, I was directly and cleanly turned down.
Well, it only managed to increase my respect for her, so I persisted and wanted to make sure for real that nothing could happen. So I sent her emails and talked with her for about five years after that, with ups and downs and pain and suffering. I had those walks and talks with her that I had dreamed of, and she came to visit my grandparents too... as a simple friend only as she wanted me to be, but still.
The one thing I remember the most of my feelings at that time was absolute fear for the sake of her well-being, so I must've been a really annoying person. Well, not that I had any knowledge or experience for the better, so whatever.
After she left my country, we still kept in touch maybe once or twice a year or two, and I still consider her one of my closest friends. I accepted that we're only simple friends, and that it'll never be nothing more, and that's it.
Around those times, at age of 23, I also for the first time opened my heart and talked about my feelings honestly to her... all the dark and sad things, and so forth. And by doing that, I accepted all of that and let go. That's also the reason I'm this open right now, and it's all thanks to her patience with me.
Years have passed after that, and I am still alone.
Just like with my friends from old childhood, her path has taken her to a different direction from mine, and we'll probably never see each other in person again. I also made other friends afterwards, and they have also diverged on their own roads, and I'm still alone.
The extent of physical contact with women is still just a kiss, and even in the case of that person I ended the relationship as too one-sided, and later on attended her happy wedding as a friend.
Her dream was like with AliceShiki to have a happy marriage from when she was about 20 (or earlier?), and she did get it with her purity intact, so just saying that AliceShiki's dream is possible.
When it comes to me, everything is ok. No bad things and no excessively good things. There is no real happiness nor is there sorrow. It's all so-so. I still do not feel emotional connection to people, and even when my grandparents died due to a stroke or cancer, I didn't really cry at their funeral. All I felt was respect and pride for the life they had lived, but barely any sorrow for their passing.
I believe it will be the same when my parents or siblings one day pass away, if I even outlive them.
I have mostly already given up on happiness, every time in my past that I wanted something... be it being a priest and helping others, being understood and loved by another, or anything else absolutely vital to me, I have failed and not obtained it. I accept that, and it is evident my route in life is not one of happiness or maybe sorrow, but mediocrity.
The one thing remaining as my goal in life is the one I had left in my youth... live honest with myself until I die. Everything else that relies on others or depends on others, can be taken away and is out of my control. The silver lining is that good people tend to die young, so maybe I don't have to wait that long for the natural causes (a bit of dark humor... or is it?).
Unlike AliceShiki, I don't try to change, but approach it from the viewpoint of acceptance and living as the person I am... on that road, what awaits is contentment. Not necessarily happiness or sorrow, but contentment and being at peace with oneself.
What society wants or expects, is not really my problem.
I hope you got something out of this epic rant.
PS. I may have forgotten something I wanted to say, but I'll leave it at that. If there's things you're curious about, feel free to ask, and I may (unfortunately) answer.
Why I feel like giving up is likely very largely because I'm still that same sensitive kid who doesn't want to get hurt. So separating and detaching myself is the only thing I can do without opening my heart and truly relying on another.
Since I've always been alone and independent, and can live like that... it's unlikely that will ever happen.