Hello! It's been a while since the last post. (⌒▽⌒ゞ
To read previous posts in this blog series, click here.
Last time, we had an introduction to the topic of otokonokos, traps, G.I.R.Ls, the overall Internet mystery of people who choose to present themselves online differently than they do in real life.
This time, I wanted to talk a little bit more about what it's like to become an "otokonoko" in the beginning. I mean, we weren't always this way online. Most of us started out as dudes (...obviously). Each and every one of us all have our "first time" and circumstances surrounding that experience. As a result, a few days ago, I wrote a fictional short story loosely based on my experiences, and you can read about it here:
I also wanted to place an advertisement out there that if you're a G.I.R.L or is somebody who interacted with G.I.R.Ls in the past, I'd love to hear about your experiences! I always felt like it's a shame that G.I.R.Ls online are a taboo/shunned group, and as a result we hear very few stories from this frequently stereotyped group because each of us are so desperate to preserve our privacy and way of life. If possible, I'd like to bring more publicity so we aren't as misunderstood.
As such, if there's something that you feel like is valuable to share, whether that is your experiences or your thoughts, if you PM me, I can publish your writings anonymously through this account. Everything is confidential, and I'm very serious about this!
What about me?
I've been a G.I.R.L since 2012. I'm "full-time" this way, and all of my accounts for everything that I use online are registered female, and for the most part I reflexively think of myself as female when I'm online. The "reflexive" part might be a little bit difficult to explain -- it's kind of like if someone asks me for my gender, if it's online, I will automatically answer female without even thinking. Once, someone told me that girls are intrinsically worse at math/programming, and I felt personally insulted at that time (I'm in computer science), which is really strange because if you think about it later, I'm not biologically female. Why did it feel like a personal attack on me?
If I think about it objectively, it's kind of bizarre. It's almost like I'm able to "forget" that I'm male when I'm online, and I'm female like it's totally normal in my dreams.
How did I first become like this?
The fictional short story kind of gives the rough idea, but 2012 was a very hard year for me in real life. I was depressed and isolated, and in fact I intentionally withdrew from all of my friends (much like depressed people do). Some friendly people picked me up online and helped me recover -- except they misgendered me as "she" in the beginning and I never corrected them. Since then, it became a more active effort to maintain the female image that I had online.
While all of this was going on, I was also experiencing a gender identity/sexual orientation crisis. My first major RL relationship with a woman wasn't going well, and I was wondering if I was gay. Meanwhile, I was continuing to hate the real-life version of me, and I liked the online version of me. Online me felt more "real", and offline me felt so "fake". I felt more confident, comfortable, and simply at ease when I was online. In contrast, I was physically repulsed by every masculine part of myself in real life (term: gender dysphoria). I began wondering whether I was transgender, and spent at least a two years seriously considering whether I could be transgender.
Years later, my life has stabilized a lot, and I've come to accept both my gender identity and sexual orientation. In terms of my sexual orientation -- I'm bisexual (leaning strongly towards gay) and I read a lot of female-audience novels/BL. In terms of gender identity -- I'm "#weird". I don't like LGBTQ labels, but I kind of explained earlier that online I reflexively think of myself as female. In real life, I reflexively think of myself as male. Call that whatever you like. Easy, right?
Is my kind of story common?
Potentially. From people who I've talked to, the gender identity crisis seems to be relatively common. I don't want to speak for all G.I.R.Ls, but at least among the ones I know, I think most of us would say that we didn't feel like we fit in with "the guys" surrounding us in our local area at all.
Here's an excerpt from the short story:
I mean, I know it's irrational to characterize an entire gender based on a few bad apples, or stereotype on "toxic masculinity", but a few of us had experiences in our lives that we can't erase from our memories no matter how hard we scrub.
It would be over-reacting to say that we were "traumatized" by the "locker room talk", but I would say that growing up in a culture like that has colored my experiences and influenced the way that I think and feel.
Is there something intrinsically wrong about stereotypical masculine bro culture?
I don't know. Don't ask me. I'm not going to go as far to moralize whether certain cultures are good or bad. I think it's rather presumptuous to be able to say something like that.
All that I know is that it can make people feel like shit, and I don't want any part of it. Gender stereotypes can go die in a hole, and I'd rather define what it means to be a man (or a G.I.R.L) on my terms.
An otokonoko wonders about stuff #2
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ohko
【LGBTQ+ association】 【ohko is ohko!】
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