An otokonoko wonders about stuff #5

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ohko

【LGBTQ+ association】 【ohko is ohko!】
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To read previous posts in this blog series, click here.

If you have been following #otokonoko_radio, you may have noticed that blog post #4 in the series was skipped. Technically, the entire post was written, but I wasn't happy with how it came out so I deleted it shortly after posting it. If you'd still like to read it, you can PM me. The post was about a recent Western transgender webfiction I read called: Hush, by Clarity.

What's on the menu today, ohko-san?

So honestly speaking I might be a tiny bit sexually frustrated. Yes, it's a little awkward to admit, especially since I'm already in a relationship with my girlfriend, but it happens to be the case that I get frustrated semi-frequently and I can't help it. And there's nothing that my girlfriend can do about it either, so it's a slightly bizarre part about our relationship and one of the quirks of dating somebody like me.

I'm bisexual, by the way.

Have you ever heard of the term, the "bisexual bicycle"?

I'll leave it for reddit to explain:

Yup, so I go through the bi-cycle and it's frustrating. Really frustrating. Especially when I'm in an "omg guys" phase, since my girlfriend is quite clearly and obviously a (straight) woman, and sexually speaking I kind of lose interest in her when my brain can't stop itself from thinking about anonymous fictional men and phalluses.

And it really does go in phases for me. Give it a few weeks and it flips back and forth.

I guess we're somewhat fortunate that both she and I have relatively low libido's to begin with.​

How do gay guys end up marrying women?

There is this very famous stereotype that gay men will live their lives, marry a nice lady, have two kids, buy a charming house in the neighborhood and work a 9-5 job... all while secretly suppressing their sexuality all of their life.

...and then get divorced several decades later.

It's such a famous stereotype that it's practically a meme. Part of it is so inconceivable that it makes you shake your head wondering how it's possible for a person to fake their sexuality for so long? Like... wouldn't somebody notice at some point?

Honestly though, I think a large part of this has to do with self-deception and the denial that we do with ourselves in attempt to make our lives work. A lot of humans have a lot of tenacity, and many of us grow up learning how to deal with and persevere with situations we may not exactly like. For instance, it's like spinach and brussel sprouts -- we may not like brussel sprouts, but we force ourselves to eat them anyways. If you're really good, you may even be able to trick yourself into thinking that you like brussel sprouts even though originally you didn't.

And honestly, being a guy (physiologically), when it comes to sex and libido, generally speaking I do think guys are easy to get off regardless if they're gay or straight or zebra.

Throw a sea cucumber at a man and somehow they'll figure out a way to have sex with it. As long as there's a hole, there's probably a way. Probably. Even if it's just to masturbate, and even if they aren't aroused or find it intrinsically attractive, they can probably achieve it somehow.

This rule of thumb applies to "bottoms" too (note: "bottom" = gay man who prefers being the receiving end of anal sex vs. penetrating role). Contrary to how it may be portrayed in shounen ai hentai, "bottoms" do in fact have penises too and it's not that difficult to coax them into using that appendage in a penetrating fashion even if that's not their main preference. There's not usually a clear seme/uke role in real gay relationships, even though sometimes you might have one member of the duo who says they prefer one more than the other.

In short, guys can fuck basically anything regardless of sexuality (<-- politically incorrect stereotyping)

^ especially true if you manage to turn them on somehow.​

Do you ever worry that you might be more gay than bisexual?


Absolutely. In fact, I worry about this a lot, because I do think I lean more gay than straight.

Generally speaking I'm really not all that attracted to women. My girlfriend, who I absolutely love and adore, is the exception to this, but then again, my attraction to her predates the era that I realized that I was bisexual.

I think it's possible to either look at this optimistically or pessimistically.

The optimistic view is that ever since I met my girlfriend, she is the only woman I'd ever want or need in my lifetime. No other girl could possibly compete with her, and my body physiologically seems quite settled on the fact. Sorry other ladies, I just don't get aroused... In fact, there are a lot of times that I feel like if I ever broke up with her, I wouldn't have any desire or motivation to seek another relationship with a woman. I'd guess I'd just become 100% gay at that point.

The pessimistic view is that maybe I'm in self-denial and I've actually been gay all along. Maybe my girlfriend is just a really really really really good friend who I trust with my life whom I don't mind being in a sexual relationship with.

Is the pessimistic view troubling?

To me, honestly it does worry me. But at the same time, I've also reached a point where it doesn't exactly bother me which one is truly the case, if either. This is because I'm confident that I love her (emotionally speaking) and trust her with everything, and frankly I think that's all think that's the most important factor for a strong and long-term relationship in the end. We're open about everything (of course my sexuality as well), and I'm able to satisfy her sexually and vis versa (except when I'm in an "omg guys" bi-cycle phase), so functionally speaking our relationship is good.​

Were you always gay/bisexual?

For me personally, no.

I thought I was straight until I had sex for the first time, which also coincided with the period I was questioning my gender identity.

If you'd like me to be perfectly honest...

I legitimately think reading too much yaoi/BL/shoujo manga made me gay.

Or maybe I was gay all along and reading that kind of media just made me realize it sooner?

I have no idea which it is. All I know is that I really got addicted to the "squeal" feeling that every shoujo-manga reader can relate to when a romantic thing happens in the story. Squeal squee squee squee yay. Over time... I think I just developed a preference for it in general.

Be careful kids, yaoi might be contagious. lol.
Is there any connection between your sexuality and gender identity?

I would say yes.

Even today, I don't really fully see myself as "gay" -- and it's really only more recently that I feel like I've gradually started becoming more comfortable with how that label feels coming off my tongue.

I'm not sure if this is the fault of the media that I grew up reading (e.g. shoujo, female-audience fiction and erotica), but both in my fantasies and dreams I naturally tend to see myself as the female party in a heterosexual relationship (paired with a male). In fact, I've never really imagined or fantasized myself as the "inserting" party, and it doesn't really appeal to me all that much either. It's just not something that I get off from.

My perception of my own sexual orientation identity has evolved over time.

Originally, during the period when I was transgender-questioning and unsure about gender identity, I more frequently saw myself as a heterosexual woman (who prefers men).

Later on, when I settled on genderqueer, I became more open to relating with classic "ukes" in BL/yaoi where the uke basically takes a female role in every aspect although he's still technically male by sex. (note: when I was younger, yaoi made me deeply uncomfortable because it was too stimulating... and sometimes felt too real for me)

More recently, I feel like I am no longer as uncomfortable about having a **** as I used too (gender dysphoria sucks), so I've opened up more to the idea of what typical gay relationships are like too -- so I've done a little introspective thinking about whether it's a role in sex that I prefer more or the gender that I like. The answer that I mostly arrived at is that honestly I prefer men (on an emotional/romantic level), regardless if I'm inserting or receiving (even if I have a preference for receiving). Because of this, lately I've been more open towards referring to myself as a "gay" too.

Though even now, to be perfectly frank, I am still slightly envious of women for their vaginas, mostly because I think sexually speaking I think vaginas are objectively better for someone who prefers to "receive" sex than crysanthenums, and practically speaking I think a vagina would serve my sexual preferences better than a penis.

So in a magical fantasy setting, I still think I would trade a penis for a vagina in a heart beat.

At this point I don't think I would really care about whether people see me as male or female, having boobs (they're just fat and give you back pains!), curves, looking feminine (it's a hassle!), or other features of women. I mean, I wouldn't really mind having or not having them... it's just your own body after all (do people even get aroused at their own bodies?)... I just feel like it'd be nice to have a proper organ for receptive sex since that's what I prefer anyways.

Which by way, is a large part of the rationale why I decided not to transition and go down the 100% transgender route.

Hormone therapy would be nice, but isn't really a "must-have" for me. Surgery isn't going make any truly functional vaginas either.

And then, probably most importantly, I'm still in a great relationship with my girlfriend (who is still fond of my sexual parts), and I'd like to have kids one day. So there's a pretty strong motivation and argument for me to stay the way I am.

Yep, so that's why I am the way I am.​

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Comments

    1. ohko May 19, 2018
      Of course you can have a primarily romantic relationship. But this doesn't change the fact that people have sexual desires as well.

      How do you reconcile the situation when you have exclusively romantic feelings for one person, yet you still have unsatisfied sexual feelings on the side?
    2. Katsono May 18, 2018
      I feel like this is lacking a romantic consideration, cuz you can more than likely have a relationship without any sexual side at all.