Belief

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I walk in the darkness, while you lot walk in the light. I cannot walk in the light with you, I can only watch. You wanted to help me, you thought my view on the world, on people was wrong, that I could somehow have it fixed. But no, I was born in the darkness and that is where I will forever reside. That is my fate. Of course I knew that already, but you lot did not. I wanted to show you kindness, I wanted you to leave me alone, I did not want to explain myself. Because I knew I would betray your expectations. You people who have not seen despair. I wanted you all to keep hoping. That was my kindness.

Perhaps it would be more natural for me to hate people because I hate my father, perhaps that's what a normal person would feel. But it just made me love and value people more, probably more than the average person. Those who have seen death know the true value life; those who have seen despair know the true value of kindness. If someone had been kind to me. I would have been very happy. Perhaps it's more normal for one to become negative when negative things happen to them. But some people are different. I was different. I was born with belief. No one taught it to me. I just thought that there must be a reason for all this. So I thought about it. My father was likely cruel to me because his father was cruel to him, and his father was cruel to him because of his father. It wasn't his fault he didn't know how to be kind.

Often times kids try to boast that they no longer believe in santa, or that they're athiests. But I believe they miss the point. It was an exercise. For when life gets tough and you have no reason to continue, you have to believe in a way, even when there is no physical reason. They think they're clever for not believing, they think they were being lied to, but no, they were being guided.

I suppose most people would become broken after going through despair, but everything I was already, it was strengthened. My belief, my will, everything. Now just because I know it wasn't my father's fault doesn't mean I don't hate him. I hate him more than anything. Where it physically pains me to even see or hear him. But that doesn't mean I treat him with hatred. I act as if there is nothing wrong. Because that is my kindness. He could not accept that he did something so wrong, so the only thing I can do is pretend he is right. I hope in that way he will die happy, convinced he was in actuality a good father.

I've never cared about anyone in my life before. I've never thought of anyone as family. But the idea of caring, of loving someone and having them love me back. My god, does it pain me, it's a sort of unbearable pain. The idea of ever hurting them. I would hate hurting just a stranger. But imagine if it were someone I cared about. I just, I couldn't take that kind of pain. It would tear me apart.

Everything about me was strengthened. I cared more than I likely would have. I became kinder than I likely would have. I probably could have been great. If I weren't born the way I was. I could have become a leader, a hero. But no, in the end I became a monster. That was my fate. And I could not change it. But I will never stop trying to be kind.

Everyone, please forgive me for betraying your expectations, for being unable to be fixed, for being unable to walk with you in the light. None of it was my fault. But I feel as if I did something wrong. I was born. That was my sin. Please forgive me.

Did you think I didn't want to walk with you in the light? I wanted that more than anything. But the way I was born, I was tainted, in the darkness. I am not like you. And you are not like me. And that's okay.