Have you ever laugh to things that is not even funny? Get angry with someone who is actually doing fine with you? Or maybe, crying unexpectedly? I bet all of us had done one or two or three of it.
From all of the circumstances, I felt like they are pushing me to the edge. The workload was too much and I still have one class to go (my last one! Geez!). I couldn't properly contact my friends just for relax and joking around. It's our last year after all. All of us has different interests. Everyday felt suffocating. Nevertheless, I tried to do my best at work and the pressure is still on me. I tried to be positive, oh they wanted me to get better than I am now. I tried to be more attentive, in the class and in the lab. I was overwhelmed by the project deadline. I thought, "Aaaghh! It's actually my fault for not studying enough!", when the results got contaminated or else.
Thankfully my part was done, but I became depressed at how useless I am that time. I ended up blame myself for something I shouldn't and took more workload. Lol. I need more distraction. I studied at home and work in campus. I used weekend for another work and did the chores.
My emotion was a mess. I didn't talk about this to everyone, not to my PA, my family, and my friends. Just keep this inside my mind. I know. I should at least talk to one person, but I can't open up to them. Everytime I see something related to my project, I feel the urge to avoid and hate it, even though it isn't the same thing and it's only in my mind. Maybe it's like... defense mechanism...?
Long story short, I wanna blow off some steam. Sometimes when I'm alone or on the way back home, I would cry out of the blue. I have the urge to do it even when I didn't think about something sad (things like your favourite ship broken...). The driver who looked confused, told me some lame jokes. I laugh and cried even more. Thank you, Sir!
Until a while ago, finally I decided to withdraw from the project and it was a hard decision to make. I lost contact with almost everyone for a few months until I came up with this.
I still have the urge to cry out of the blue. Sometimes I regret my decision. Sometimes I wonder, is this really alright?
Geez. I need to stop it.
I need more coffee!