Boundary

Author

AliceShiki

『Ms. Tree』『Magical Girl of Love and Justice』, Female
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I have a very clear boundary separating my online self and offline one... It's almost a 180º turn in all honesty, I'm really really different offline and online.

I can be myself online, while offline I'm shackled. I feel comfortable online, while offline I just can't wait for some online time. You can hardly say it's the same person... And honestly, it might not be.

A few days ago though, I saw the boundary between them getting blur... It was... Confusing. When I am offline I tend to get stressed more easily and have a hard time explaining myself... I don't quite act the way I want... Online I tend to be calmer, because I'm more at ease and am relaxed...

However, what happens when a topic I'm very used to IRL is brought to my OL? It got confusing... It got messy. I am so used to talking about it, that I talked in the way I always do... And it kinda... Hurt me to see myself like that.

I talk a lot, I always talk a lot, I make walls of text and I am no good at stopping unless someone tells me to stop... And I... Happened to see a game design decision that didn't quite feel like it was good... I think it's important to say those things out, because they need to be tested and changed, it's part of the game making process... But giving constructive criticism is something that needs to be done very carefully, because you're talking about something made by someone else after a lot of effort... I know that personally back when I received writing feedback and got seriously annoyed at what some people told me.

Yet I wasn't able to think much and just started blurting out my thoughts... It was strange... It is something I do all the time IRL when talking about games, it's the thing I talk the most about IRL, so it's absolutely normal for me to talk about it like that... But I should have known better... And I should have said it better, I'm better than that... Why did I say it like that?

I saw my RL self in the middle of my online self... It was wrong. Simply wrong. They aren't supposed to be the same, not now at least, not while I still hate my RL self, I want to make the way I am IRL to become the way I am online, not the opposite.

It made me start to wonder how did the boundary suddenly get blurred just because of a topic I'm used to talking about IRL... Was it really that much of a thin boundary? It felt thicker... It felt way way thicker than what it might be... It's troubling.

Perhaps it has been thinning since long ago, since I started to allow my depressive sides to appear online... But I don't want them to merge, not yet, it's not time... I can't let it become the same... Not when I still hate what I am IRL... One step at a time, I still need to do too many things before I am comfortable with myself, and I don't need to do those things online, they are done already.

I wish I could hurry up and stop hating myself... Would make things a lot easier... Haa... If only... I really hate thinking in "ifs", but I can't help doing it at those moments... I need to change faster... I might be reaching my limit... It hurts.

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Comments

    1. AliceShiki May 20, 2018
      @lychee Well... You already know most of my issues, so... I'm not quite trying to reach my ideal self, just a self I'm comfortable with, which is not the me I am IRL. My ideal self is plain unreachable, so I don't have much purpose in doing anything aside from dreaming about it...

      I do agree there is no way they won't stop affecting each other though, it's just... When I acted in the way I act as my uncomfortable with myself self... It just... Stung.

      I don't want it... Not now anyway...

      I think I might be trying to force some changes, but at the same time I'm taking my time with them and doing it at the pace I can... I just... Can't be too fast about it I guess. One step at a time... I won't do something that I won't be comfortable with though... *hugs tightly* Thanks though... I appreciate it Ly-chan.

      @doomeye1337 It's a bit hard for me to accept my current self... Hopefully I can in the future though.

      But well, I think outright rejection might be a bad idea... I am pretty conscious of my own issues at the very least, so I have been working to solve them... It's just... Not a quick task.

      @Clozdark Thanks... You're too kind... Really... Thank you.
      doomeye1337 and lychee like this.
    2. Clozdark May 19, 2018
      Being understood is one of gretest heart desires
      Opened your true self isn't something that painful
      Why? Cause there's someone who accepted you for you are right now
      Slayerwolfx2 and AliceShiki like this.
    3. doomeye1337 May 19, 2018
      @lychee good points, but the way she talks about it makes me think that the way she is IRL IS mostly uncomfortable.
      I do agree though that essentially they're both parts of her and to some degree require acceptance rather than outright rejection. Maybe taking a good look into the possible motivations for her offline persona breaking out in that situation might give some good insight into her inner emotions hidden behind her consciousness.
      AliceShiki and lychee like this.
    4. lychee May 19, 2018
      Hmm... this is a difficult one. Change goes in two directions you know? Trying to make “offline” more like “online” usually also causes some limited amount of “online” to be a little more like “offline”.

      You can’t really just delete one and have it disappear forever... both to some extent are part of yourself... you can try hiding one side under a rug but it will continue to lurk there no matter how much we outwardly change unless if you find closure for it.

      You are you... and who you are fundamentally at heart doesn’t really change all that much once you get to a certain age. I think that’s a very important thing to remember. Just like you should always date someone who loves all of you (and not just part of you), be careful about brute forcing changes to personality and spirit. If you do it wrong, it can end up feeling like you’re “faking” all over again once you reach the finish line.

      Finding yourself and who you are (as a whole) is very important. For most normal people, there’s actually a significant difference between their ideal selves and practical comfortable whole selves. Some people spend their lives obsessing over how to make themselves ideal, but personally I think that is a huge mistake, because lots of people misjudge the happiness they will receive from reaching that ideal.

      So instead I would say it’s more important to chase comfort. Look for yourself where you feel “at home” — and think very carefully about whether you will be happier at your ideal vs where you are — because chasing ideals can cost a lot and strain our spirit. The bigger the change from baseline the more difficult it is for our spirit to tolerate.
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