Miscellaneous musings on sexuality #4 (Mature/NSFW/Adult)

Miscellaneous musings on sexuality #4
@lychee writes stuff - blog post #13
Accompanying listening music: nothing!



PSA: I've received comments that some people would like to make anonymous submissions to this blog column. If you'd like me to publish something anonymously for you, please feel free to reach out! I've also opened an ask.fm account for anyone who wants to ask questions, make comments, or suggestions for future posts.

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It's been quite a lot of time since I've last published a blog post, and a lot has happened since the last time I wrote something. For those of you who have missed out on recent events, apparently I've become the "Poll Queen" of NUF.

Hey mom, I've become famous in a way my main account (@yuzuki) has never been!

Many of my "polls" have taken quite a morbid (and quasi-sexual) turn, and they're sort of designed to elicit gut reactions and technically serve as clickbait.

As a side effect, I think I've also developed quite a "perverted" reputation for myself.

There was quite a noticeable uptick in the number of the risque/lewd @lychee alerts in my notification inbox, and there were multiple instances I was compared to @Ai chan. I also had the wonderful pleasure of adding someone to my ignore list for the first time I have ever been on NUF.

Overall, it was a very interesting experiment.

The experience was quite enlightening, and I think I probably(?) gained something out of it.

I don't really consider myself to be a particularly lewd person (at least compared to average). Rather, this entire process has more-or-less been a conscious effort to transgress taboo and discuss it in an introspective fashion to comprehend my own (incomprehensible) self better.

And I think that is one of the key points about taboo.

I don't really understand it, and I don't really understand why I have taboos.

Why is nudity taboo? The nudity poll is an example of a poll that came to me literally out of the shower when I was walking around my bedroom naked. Everyone is naked at least once or twice per day (...hopefully you shower...), yet somehow nudity is one of our society's taboos.

What is the origin of these feelings and why do they exist?

Why are human beings so strange??

Banana's aren't perverted unless you make them that way!

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Taboo is important here because it's nearly impossible to talk about sexuality without discussing taboo. Many forms of sexuality are taboo, and sexuality itself is taboo.

We don't talk about sexuality because it is taboo, yet oddly enough (most) people in the world have some form of it. It comes in all kinds of different shapes and sizes, and all variations of different flavors and intensities. Sexuality is nearly impossible to digest into neatly arranged boxes.

Sexuality is normal.

...Yet sexuality is also taboo.

Weird stuff!

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I've said multiple times already that I don't understand taboo, but the truth is that I don't understand sexuality either. More precisely, I don't understand my own sexuality, and this confusion is has been a substantial source of my anxieties for many many many many years.

This is so important that I think it's necessary to repeat it.

I don't understand my sexuality.​

What I mean by this is that I really don't understand my body. I have no idea why my body is interested in the things that it is interested in, and I have no idea why I behave the way that I do.

Somehow — at some point in puberty I just woke up one day — and then I wanted to eat pineapples.

I never wanted to eat pineapples before!

Why the heck did I suddenly want to eat pineapples?! It makes absolutely no sense!

Why do I like mangoes even though I'm allergic to them?!?! (seriously)

It's entirely possible to like things that are bad or damaging to you. Lots of people like ice cream and potato chips, and some people like jumping out of airplanes for fun. The rational side of your brain might scream all sorts of red flags, but does your Freudian side even care??? If you like a bad thing, then you like it!

For the entirety of my post-puberty experience, I've always struggled with the enormous rational disconnect between my thinking brain and my dirty brain. Sometimes it feels like they are almost entirely different entities.

You might think with something harmless it doesn't matter whether you like pineapples or strawberries. I mean, who cares if it's all fun and games!

But what happens if your interests dip into the taboo side of things?

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Let's take a look at Exhibit A:

There is sort of an ongoing public joke that @lychee must be into vore (a fetish of carnivores eating prey), especially since it is a repeating theme in many of my polls.

For the record, I deny having any sort of interest in hardcore vore. I never even knew "vore" existed as a category of porn until last year — and I'm 25 years old! I don't really consider "vore" to be one of my serious interests, and I'm more likely to talk about it like it's a joke.

That said, with an honest reflection about myself, I've probably been attracted to the idea of "soft" vore (e.g. vampires and man-eating shapeshifters) for many years.

Why do I find the fantasy of being eaten sexy?

I have no clue!

I seriously have no idea!

I have no idea why my brain is attracted to this!

Like many things, I can attempt to develop a rationalization. It's possible to use tons of reasoning and psychoanalysis to develop an explanation. For instance, you could argue that I read too much paranormal romance when I was a teenager, and Twilight infamously has a cheesy ("Edward Cullen don't eat me!!!") plot, so I must have subconsciously picked up the interest. However, I never even liked vampires or Edward in the first place.

Or maybe it was Chrono Crusade with Chrono (the demon) figuratively eating up Rosette's life force and indirectly killing her through their contract — and you could argue I was morbidly attracted to that kind of self-sacrificing contractual relationship. But then again, that isn't exactly "vore".

Regardless of how I try to reflect on it, a rationalization is a rationalization.

It's a made-up explanation, and honestly I don't really think there is much validity to it. I can pull at all the flimsy straws in the world and make up an explanation for anything, but the conclusions are built on fragile inferences and biased self-perceptions. The narrative that I can spin is halfway imaginary, and depends partially on what kind of "story" I want to tell.

I use the word "story" because I don't trust myself to provide any account about myself (including this blog) that it anything less than 33% imaginary delusion. @yuzuki is famous for being chuunibyou, in case you didn't know.

The cold truth of the matter is that I am me, @lychee is @lychee, I probably have a slight interest in soft vore. Why am I like this? I have no clue.

However, I've grown up with these tastes for 10+ years, and they are a part of me.

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Sexual taboo can be darker than just pure fun and games.

In fact, they're quite a distressing thing if you grew up in an environment where there is heavy prejudice against it. In fact, my own sexuality was something that seriously troubled and bothered me for many of my teenage years — to the point that I legitimately thought something was wrong with me.

I thought I was disgusting for the longest time.

To this day, I still carry so much baggage and shame towards this.

It is probably one of my most closely held secrets — and also one of the things I'm most likely to lie about if I'm asked about it. None of my IRL friends know about the details of my bedroom interests, and I don't openly talk about this online or even with my fiancé.

(...and no, I don't intend to turn any of the "fantasy" into "reality").

This is probably my first time writing about this in any detail, and I'm seriously not comfortable with writing about this at all. In fact, I actually delayed writing this particular blog for weeks.

I'd really appreciate if people didn't tease me about this or make lewd suggestive joke comments about S&M, because my feelings about this are really complicated and messy.

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Bondage and dubcon ("dubious consent") are without question the most long-standing sexual interests I've had my entire life.

They are also some of the earliest kinks that emerged during my puberty, to the point that it is tightly entwined with my sense of sexuality — and consequently a ubiquitous source of the shame/confusion I held towards myself during much of my adolescence.

I've never really quite understood how this is possible, but I'm very sure that I had these interests before I even experienced puberty.

I think I was probably around age 15-16 when I first discovered the words "BDSM" on Wikipedia — but I distinctively remember having very similar erotic interests despite having no idea what the terminology or word for it was — to a much younger age (Maybe 11? 12?).

How the heck did I discover it? I'm unsure.

I was surfing Reddit a few days ago and stumbled on the /r/rapekink subreddit (FYI: not actually one of my main interests), and I think something that really struck me was the fact that many women on this subreddit have formative experiences (termed an "origin story") behind their fetish for rape. Oddly (or maybe not?), an overwhelming majority of the origin stories posted on that subreddit talk about a disturbing traumatic real-life experience (e.g. molestation, rape) they had that somehow initiated the kink.

It's very troubling. How does a traumatic experience turn into a kink?

Yet some of the posts seemed familiar — or at least echoed some of the feelings of shame and disgust that I felt towards my own sexuality — and a sense of being "broken" or "abnormal" for liking something that regular people weren't supposed to like.

That subreddit actually reminded me that I do actually have distinct memories along a parallel line for my interests regarding nonconsent/reluctance/bondage. Oddly enough, they sort of are a kind of "origin story", although I never really quite thought of them in that way.

These are actually my earliest memories have regarding liking this kind of thing.

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When I was in primary school (1st to 3rd grade), I used to go to an after school day care program.

I had a "friend" then — although thinking retroactively, I have no idea why my brain registered them as a "friend". The truth is that my "friend" was male, much bigger (fat), and a year older than me. The reality was that he was a schoolyard bully, but my brain never registered him that way.

Nobody liked him and nobody would play with him... mostly for the fact that he was legitimately mean. He also liked to get physical with people.

There was only one stupidly oblivious person who happily hung out with him: me.

"Hanging out" is barely the right word though.

We used to "play tag" and basically the way it would work would be that I would try to run away and he would chase me around and then wrestle me to the ground when he caught me. We would roll around a bit and I would try to kick and fight free, etc. Of course, he always won.

Uh... there were many variants to this "game"... but thinking retrospectively, they were pretty much all excuses for him to get physical in some way or another.

I'm not sure if I was an idiot or what, but generally speaking I was fine with this. I was happy to struggle (uselessly) against him, and generally speaking it was fine unless we hurt each other (I think I scratched him really badly once or twice), in which case we would be upset until the next day... then be fine again.

I both hated him and...

...well, I never really liked him.

But I was his friend??? Huh????????

I think I was a really weird kid. He would run around and try to throw basketballs at me (and they hurt!), and then a little bit afterwards we would play together like nothing was wrong. In fact, I was the only person that played with him.

I don't really understand myself and why I happy to spend time with him.

I have a bunch of other weird childhood stories like this one, but I'll save them for another day.

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I'm not really sure where I was going with this except to make the point that this is the first point in my memory of having any kind of feeling similar to what I feel towards dubcon/bondage. Of course, it isn't really a sexual story (....there wasn't any sexual harassment... unless I was too oblivious/young to realize it....... but we were both young so...), but more so the feeling of the situation that is deeply recognizable to me.

I'm pretty sure that I have a fairly strong masochistic streak (affinity for pain) — but that's an enormous beast to unravel that I don't have time to cover today. All I can say in passing is that a majority of anime has portrayed it wrong. The character "Darkness" (Dustiness Ford Lalatina) from KonoSuba is a ridiculous representation of masochism, and a lot of people have serious misconceptions about what it entails and how it works. The psychology is a really complicated thing.



I've had really complicated feelings about this for many, many, many years.

Why the heck do I want to be hurt?

Why do I read erotica about having your power/agency taken away — and then self-insert into it?

Is there something deeply wrong with me?

Am I an alien? Do I belong in a hospital?

Why is my sexuality so tightly entwined with something so messed up?

Why am I not... normal?