Diary of a Wannabe Web Novelist #5

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Ghostea

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I little over a month ago I said that I would write an entry every day and log progess on my novel. I didn't make a lot of progress on it however so I didn't make updates because I said "well I didn't write today". However, I think those days when I fell short were still worth writing about. I do hope that I can start making progress again, even if its not a whole chapter everyday.

Since I didn't write there is something I'd like to get off my chest in hopes of it making me feel better. Maybe a year down the line when I'm happier and this is a memory rather than a reality I can look back at this and roll my eyes at how silly I was being. Right now however, I kind of feel like I fucked up really bad and my world is crashing down. That was a bit dramatic but I'm sad so bare with me.

Before what happened I should probably share a little about my life because I believe that's the shovel I used to dig this hole for myself.

All my life, my family has always done things for me. Especially when it came to school work, whenever I was having trouble I would always cry and give up until my parents or one of my siblings helped me. From kindergarten to grade 12 I've always been comfortable with doing just enough and I'd five up when things got hard. I believe I've carried this, for lack of a better word, cry baby mentality into adulthood. And now I need to reprogram my brain and grow out of it, like I should have done years ago.

With that said here's what happened, last year my parents enrolled me into a program for web development. They along with the rest of my siblings and my boyfriend were really proud when I got in. However, my cry baby mentality got the better of me and I had to start over in the next semester.

Even after getting a second chance I didn't study and practice enough and by the time the Week 4 project came around I could do it. What I did do was act all cheerful towards my family and lie to them that I handed it in. My sisters we even nice enough to help me write some copy for the site to save me time. That night I hoped something bad would happen to me so I'd have an excuse for not completing it. I suppose I have a problem if im thinking like that.


I know I can still redeem myself, by studying really hard and asking my classmates for help and I can do really well on the next project.

I don't want to be a crybaby anymore. I dont want to be someone who gives up when things get hard, makes promises she has to business making, and disappoints everyone she cares about.

As I am now, I dont think I deserve anything I have. I dont deserve to be this school. I don't deserve parents who are spending so much money to help me have a successful future. I don't deserve anything. Hopefully I'll become someone deserving of those things.

And I really do hope I can finish my novel quickly so I can start posting it and hopefully make a lot of people happy with my words.

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changeling, imK and Halcyon Observer like this.

Comments

    1. changeling May 11, 2021
      I'm noone to give you advice, just maybe someone that might share some of your feelings, but I'm working on them an awful lot, lately. Anyway, I believe expectations crush people, especially when we hold them in regards of ourselves. Things need to be put in perspective. Personally, I experienced an incredible feeling of relief when I realized that failing at something is not the end of the world, and asking for help is not a weakness. Short term, asking your classmates or professor for advice is a great way to show your commitment, and also to make good progresses. Long term, maybe you should think deeply about your goal, but also about the fact that there really aren't any harmful consequences if you ever ended up not reaching it, besides a period of gloom that would soon be followed by a new endeavor. The world is not gonna stop turning, your family won't suddenly suffer a collective heart-attack, the apocalypse won't come raining death and pestilence (ehm, figuratively?) down on you. It may sound full of melodrama, but it's really not, because that is what it feels like, or at least it did for me, when you are anxious about your results. When you reach the conclusion that nothing terrible is gonna happen after any mess-up, it'll take a great burden off your shoulders, and it may help you in finding joy in the work and studies you are currently in the middle of.
      Wish you all the best, good luck!!
      Ghostea likes this.
    2. Halcyon Observer Apr 16, 2021
      At the very least, you are aware of your own shortcomings.

      People are stubborn in their perspective on life; the most inspirational speeches and most profound revelations fall on deaf ears to those who do not see a need for change, to those who do not reflect.

      I do not know what novel you are writing. I do not know how long you will write. But if you write, even if it's half a chapter, even if it's of extremely shoddy quality, even if the plot and the characters need a redo, you've intended to keep your promise. That's not to say they shouldn't be re-edited, and that's not to say that getting stuck in a rut of re-writing the same chapter ad infinitum equates to progress either, but you wrote something a little bit further, and that's what really counted in the first place.

      Let your novel be a symbol of your growth; when you break your promise to move forward in the story, you've stopped moving forward in your own life as well. When you've continued to write even in the most difficult, hard pressed for time of days, you've proven your diligence, and let that discipline be proof you can finally start standing on your own feet.

      From a writer's perspective though, you probably should draft a timeline of key plot points for your own novel so you don't find yourself stuck. You don't want to write to a point where you have no idea where to take the story next.
      Ghostea likes this.
    3. KhayDesuu Apr 15, 2021
      Ehhh~ You can do it desu~! as long as there is a catalyst for change, things are bound to start happening! I can somehow relate to this although my issue is my self-confidence. All my life as far as I can remember I do things on my own, now you may think that this make someone independent and mature but iny case it doesn't~~ I failed a lot as a kid and there was nobody there that i cam share my troubles to and no one to push me forward. Hahaha~ that was some inten~~se drama eh? well things are not that great for me to this day but im still alive. I think you're pretty lucky to have a loving family as yours~ you just need to do your best desuuu~~

      P.S Uuuu~ i hope the things i wrote make sense lol~ well those are my honest feelings tho so im sorry if i sounded like a busybody~~…… ^_^||
      Ghostea likes this.
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