Crack fic! Featuring members of the forum



All powerful magic grammar hamster queen. Evil?, Female
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Crack fic. Any resemblance to real people is intentional. Probably will not be posted on AO3.

The Dungeon

Nara9, a tall magical pig-bunny queen, rubbed her paws manically as she entered the dungeon to see Melodious Nocturne, aka Demyx, chained to the wall.

“Well, DemDem,” she cackled. “Have you agreed to Nouveau Cucumber’s plan?”

“Noooooooo,” he whimpered. “(。 ́︿ ̀。)(´;ω;`),” he cried. “I may be Kingdom Hearts sexual, but I’ll never pair with the mouse!”

“I see. (╯﹏╰),” she feigned disappointment. “ZonGSSS! Come here and bring the torture device!” She called authoritatively.

In hopped a sentient, happy looking dumpling—Nara9’s beloved pet and food supply. He was carrying a cookie jar balanced precariously on top of his head.

The pig-bunny queen lifted the jar off the top of his head and petted the dumpling.

“Good, good,” she praised. The dumpling blushed with happiness.

She brandished the jar at Melodious Nocturne.

“DemDem, do you recognize this jar?”

“(○□○) M-my cookie jar! How did you find it?”

“Zong is excellent at finding cookies. He’s talented that way. Do you know what I’m going to do with the cookies?”

Melodious Nocturne frantically shook his head. “My cookies!!! Don’t do anything to them! Even if they’re often mean to me and won’t let me eat them!!! (´;ω;`)”

Nara9 attempted to unscrew the cookie jar lid, only getting an electric shock for her troubles.

“Ow! QAQ” She dropped the cookie jar, which was thankfully durable enough not to break once hitting the floor.

ZonGSSS used his mouth to nimbly open the jar. The jar was apparently playing favorites, as it didn’t shock him.

Once the jar was open, Nara9 quickly dug her paw in and grabbed a pawful of cookies, before her dumpling could get a chance to.

“Za resht r awl yuoars,” she mumbled around one of the cookies.

Zong immediately set upon the cookies, noming with extreme happy prejudice.

Melodious Nocturne felt tears running down his cheeks.

“I-I specially ordered those cookies from Oreotea.” Oreotea was the owner of the local cookie and coffee shop.

“Nvo onedur their so gud.” Nara9 exclaimed appreciatively.

As Melodious Nocturne watched his cookies be eaten one by one he started sobbing.

“I’ll do it! I’ll be with the mouse! Just, please, stop eating my cookies!”

“Nouveau Cucumber will be happy to hear it.” Nara9 wiped her face with her paws delicately. ZonGSSS also stopped eating, but sneakily hid one extra cookie beneath his dumpling body.

“Zong, fetch the notepad and pencil while I prepare the spell to summon Mikey Mouse.” She’d use the tools to write down ideas for her next story as she observed the BL firsthand.

The dumpling hopped away to do her bidding, and Nara9 chalked out the summoning circle.

As she raised her staff to complete the summons, Sparkle Mickey, dressed as Zexion, broke into the dungeon!

“[sob] ...DemDem, I’ll rescue you… [rolls].”

“Ze-Zexy, is that you?” Melodious Nocturne’s eyes sparkled hopefully.


…~” was Sparkle Mickey’s only response.

“Zexy! ❤️” If Melodious Nocturne wasn’t chained up, he would have glomped the Zexion imposter multiple times.

Nara9: “... -_- …” A sudden feeling of pity for Melodious Nocturne and his brain had Nara9 wondering if she should just let him go. Sparkle Mickey was no match for her, as she had already defeated him in battle several times, so she wondered why he was here.

A sudden small cry of “Owner~” and a nudging at her leg caused her to look down and see her faithful dumpling, who’d mysteriously called her despite his mouth being full with the requested items.

As she bent to retrieve the items, Little Doggy flew in and looked around surprised: “O.O” Little Doggy meeped, and then flew out, leaving a hint of the smell of soap.

“Little Doggy!” Nara9 called, crushed. “Wait! Come back!”

The brainless fan (queen) chased after the Little Doggy, not wanting LD to hate her, completely forgetting about everyone in the dungeon.

“...DemDem… I must go now… [worried face],” Sparkle Mickey declared. “...You will find me all time, when your heart need me~”

“B-but! Zexy! ( ・᷄ὢ・᷅ ) Don’t go!” Melodious Nocturne cried harder.

“...No DemDem, I will use a magic spell to change my look, or I will be killed~ [worried face] ...Take care DemDem, I will always be here for you~”

“Killed?!?! Who wants to kill you?! Is it Roxas?!”

“...It's in the future DemDem~ [nod] ...I will change and stop him, and save you, as me~”

“Zexy! ❤️”

ZonGSSS gave a disbelieving look at this strange conversation and hopped away to find someone.

Sparkle Mickey soon rolled out, forgetting to untie Melodious Nocturne before doing so.

“Wait!” MN called, futilely. “He-hello? ( ・᷄ὢ・᷅ )” Only silence greeted him.

Fifteen minutes later he heard the distinctive “hop, hop” noise of ZonGSSS, along with a “bop, bop,” of what sounded like ceramic hitting the ground. Not much later, ZonGSSS entered with RoseontheMountain, Nara9’s good friend. It was the sound of her flowerpot against the dungeon floor that Melodious Nocturne had heard.

She extended a thorny branch to unlock the chains from around Melodious Nocturne.

“There, there. Did Nara9 make you cry again?”

“Uh-huh.” He lower lip wibbled as a sign of more incoming tears.

RoseontheMountain sighed, not understanding why Nara9 tortured Demyx so much, when she clearly (platonically) liked him.

“Want me to write you a happy XigDem fic?” She offered.

“!! ( ^ω^ ) Yes, please!” He almost immediately (heartlessly) forgot his previous sadness.

“Okay, okay. But I’m bad at titles, so it’s going to be called ‘Titles Suck,’ okay?”

“Okay! (^ω^)”

The two walked, er, left, leaving the dumpling behind to clean up. He knew his owner would be happy with the outcome of this little venture. He giggled happily to himself.

The End

iampsyx, orematcha, blues86 and 8 others like this.


    1. iampsyx Dec 2, 2019
      The names are just the best :blobrofl::blobrofl::blobrofl:
      Anra7777 likes this.
    2. jbturkle Nov 12, 2019
      This is great and somewhat terrifying at the same time.
      Anra7777 likes this.
    3. Lurking Nov 12, 2019
      @Skulkie @Skullie

      One of you got eaten by a meatbun.

      Also this was hilarious I volunteer to be a part of anras next writing venture.
      Anra7777 likes this.
    4. GonZ555 Nov 11, 2019
      And so ZonG was last seen with an empty jar of cookies..
    5. Daisydacrazy Nov 11, 2019
      Begone cookies!! :blobhero::blobhero:

      Cream puffs are the best
      Lurking likes this.
    6. Anra7777 Nov 11, 2019
    7. Daisydacrazy Nov 11, 2019
      Should’ve burned the cookies
    8. LilyoftheValley Nov 11, 2019
      Anra7777 likes this.