Expectancy, Confusion, Fear, Disappointment, Sadness, Surprise and Happiness.

Weird, title, I know! >.<
This was a mixture of emotions I felt recently. A mixture of emotions that came more or less in the order I said, but were all related to the same thing...

It made me realize a bit in what point my head is in atm... At how I’m feeling towards something.

If you look at my last blog post, you’ll see that I’m in an overall happy mood atm… And well, happy moods exist because of… Happy things!

And that was what I was waiting for, I was expecting a certain happy thing to happen… I was waiting, I was waiting and I was waiting… And I got confused… Why isn’t it happening? Why is it late? Did I do something wrong? Are things not going to happen like I thought they would?

Then I got a notice… It was not happening, it was disappointing, it was saddening, it was… I programed myself for it, I adjusted my schedule for it, I really really was looking forward to it, and then… Got really sad when it didn’t happen… But such is life, tomorrow is always another day.

A while (1 or 2 hours) later, what I was waiting for did happen, I was surprised! I was sure it wasn’t going to happen! I was happy happy happy! It was a super happy thing! Super… Super duper happy…

I can be somewhat dense at times, but I can judge my own feelings… I was way too happy with it… This was troubling.

What I was waiting for was something that I wanted, something special, something that I did like a lot and made sure to be available for it… At the same time, it was something that I shouldn’t attach myself too much to… And also, it was something that wouldn’t end the world if it didn’t happen at that day… Tomorrow is always another day, and chances are… It would happen normally then.

That’s the thing, it wasn’t a one-off thing, but rather… Something I expect to happen frequently, something that won’t disappear because it didn’t happen when I expected it to happen, for it would happen later then… But I was really sad when it didn’t happen… As well as really happy when it ended up happening, even with a bit of a delay.

The importance of this thing for me is scary. For I know it shouldn’t be thaaat important, but it reached a point that every time I got a poke about something, anything, I was just looking at it super expectantly, hoping it was the thing I was wanting… Only to see it was just… One other thing. It was a pretty devastating feeling… Like… It was disappointment, over and over again, disappointment every other minute, to keep on looking forward, expectantly… But it’s not it, it’s something else.

This was… A good thing overall. For it made me realize that… This matters more to me than it should.
Is this a bad thing? Probably.
Can I control it? No.
As simple as that, I can’t control it. If it is more important to me than it should be… Then it will keep on being so, and it will probably only grow more and more in importance… Which will probably end up being a huge motive of sadness when it actually stops… And it will stop, sooner or later it will, I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but sooner or later the thing I look forward to will no longer be a thing.

It made me think about it somewhat… I can’t control how I feel about it, but I can control my involvement with it… And the more I involve myself, the bigger the shock will be when things stop going the way I want them to go… The bigger the pain will be when things start going wrong.

So what do I do then? This is what I thought about… What do I do with the ever present possibility of being afflicted by a bigger and scarier pain with each passing day?
… Nothing. That’s the conclusion I found. I shouldn’t do a thing.

It’s a strange decision, but definitely the best one to me… This will hurt me, it will surely hurt me, and when it does hurt me, it’s going to hit me with a large bang that will leave a huge scar… I’m sure that it will not be something I will be able to easily deal with.

And yet… I am going to continue with it… I’m going to continue with it because… Because I’m happy. I’m absurdly happy, I’m super mega ultra duper happy. This isn’t the kind of happiness I can give up upon, I can’t give up on it at all. I need it, now that I have it, I can’t let go of it.

In the future, it’s going to hurt… Right now, it’s making each of my days better than the last one.

A friend of mine once asked me if I tend to think more on the future or present… I said that I think more of the future, what I do now is generally thinking of what it will bring me on the future, I plan my actions properly so as to be able to fully enjoy what will come of them later… She was surprised, she said like I totally think a lot more about the present and act on it than I do while thinking of the future.
I… Am unsure. I still think my actions are primarily focused not on the now, but on the later, that I need to do something now in order to reach my goal on the future.

But right now? I’m definitely acting totally on the present, I am looking at a grim future ahead of me, and the only thing I can do is to ignore it completely, and instead enjoy the wonderful and blissful present I have on my hand at this moment.

I don’t know if it is a wise or foolish decision… I just know it is… A decision, the best one for me right now, so I’ll keep at it, keep at it for as long as I think I should keep at it, no matter what will come next, I want to enjoy this present I am living, for this kind of happiness, is not something I can possibly forego.