Fake

Author

AliceShiki

『Ms. Tree』『Magical Girl of Love and Justice』, Female
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Sometimes I wonder... Why do we lie? Why do we fake our feelings? Why do we put a front to hide ourselves from others? Why do we have to pretend to be something we aren't, or to feel something we're not? Why do we have to be fakes?

I have hid myself for a long long long time... I hid my feelings all within myself and never shared them with anyone, put up a front, left things be and pretended I was okay, when I wasn't okay at all... It lasted for a while, but... Eventually, it broke.

I think it was on my 14ish years that it broke... Putting it simply, it broke for 1 single reason... Tiredness. I was tired, tired, tired tired tired, tired of being fake, tired of keeping up with things I thought I didn't deserve, tired of being overly stressed because I was unable to do or say what I wished... So I stopped being fake, at least with the people closest to me, I started saying my mind and complaining about what I thought was wrong... Some people call this the "rebellious phase" I guess? Well, I wasn't rebellious, I was simply tired of keeping to myself what I had always wanted to say, so I said it.

I wonder if other people that start "rebelling" also feel the same, or if they simply have a change of how they view things, so they start confronting the authorities because of it... Well, it doesn't matter.

While I did stop being fake for the most part... No, not for the most part, I just stopped hiding my stress, I still kept most of my things for myself, I started saying what annoyed me, but I didn't say what I felt, rather, my feelings were kept hidden very very tight behind a huge wall that nobody could bypass... I was a huge fake, for everyone and anyone, me included.

It was when I was 20 that I had my first breakdown, with a fight with some people I loved the most... It was... Sad, I felt terrible. I felt terrible not just because of what happened, but because I hadn't even realized I was sad about it, I needed to have the people close to me tell me that they were worried if I was okay, to make me realize that I was not okay at all... It made me understand a bit about myself, and understand how much I hid myself. I made a promise with a few of them... I would talk. If I was hurt, I would talk, if something bothered me, I would talk, if I was sad... I would talk. I just promised I would talk, just that I wouldn't keep things for myself only anymore.

This was a huge turn in my life in all honesty, to simply stop hiding myself from a few people made me start opening up a lot more to a whole load of other people... It also happened that I had another and even bigger breakdown a few weeks later, and I don't think I would've been able to hold on if I hadn't started opening up about it.

It was like a dam. At first I had a very very sturdy dam, nothing passed through it, it was impenetrable... Until I let someone make a hole in it... And then, the whole kept expanding and expanding, until cracks spread around and suddenly my dam broke completely.

It was good, because I understood a lot more about myself, but also terrible, because it hurt, it hurt a huge lot... And at the same time, now I had support to ease my pains... It's funny when I look back on the past, and think of what I did when I was in pain...
When I was a child, I played with a stuffed toy.
When I was on my early teen years, I played Star Wars Battlefront 2 on my PS2.
When I was on my late teen years, I played Super Smash Brothers 64 on my PC.

... Where are the people in there? Where is the support? Where is the shoulder I can lean my head on and cry to my heart's content?
I didn't have it, I didn't have any of it, and it hurt. It hurt a huge lot. It hurt so so much, and I didn't even notice it hurt. Or at least, not nearly as much as I was really hurt.

Nowadays I'm a lot more open about myself than I was in the past, I think I'm a lot less fake than I was... I remember back when I joined NUF, in which I was such a pure, kind and lovely magical girl of love and justice... I giggle when I look back on it, because I loved the time I acted like that, but... Was that me? Really? I don't think it was, it was just a fake, it was a persona, a way I behaved because I wanted people to see me like that... Or rather, it was closer to an idealization of myself.

A while back I had a talk with someone I knew, and he told me how much I changed... He said that I seemed more at ease though, that I seemed less stressed, and less... I forgot the word, but maybe... Less explosive? Something like that.

I don't think I'm someone easy to anger, someone needs to step on the wrong landmine to anger me... If you keep on stepping in my foot, I'll most likely get slightly annoyed and find a way to make you stop, but that won't anger me. What will anger me is if you step on my specific landmines... And well, I think I had tons of those in the past, because I held it all in, and even I didn't know what angered me properly and what didn't... Nowadays I think... I have only a few of those... Sometimes they're still stepped on, and I tend to get kinda explosive when it does happen, but I sort of handle it with more calm these days.

It's a bit funny to see how my "ideal" self was more explosive than my current self... I guess we can't simply be what we are not in the end... Not without a lot of effort of trying to slowly become it at least~


This was... A weird blog post, it is weird, because I talked about a lot of stuff, but none of it was what I wanted to talk about... This was more of a... Prelude? It just so happened to grow a lot bigger than I expected. I think the part I wanted to speak about will end up being a lot smaller.

I thought I had stopped faking, I had no reason to be a fake anymore, I had a safe haven in which I could be myself, even if I still hate myself IRL, I could at least be me over here, I could still act like I wanted and do things the way I wanted for as long as I was here... NUF was safe. There was no need for me to fake myself, I didn't need to be a fake anymore.

... But today I felt like a fake, I felt like I was acting and saying things I wasn't feeling... I felt like I was forcing myself to do something when I wasn't feeling like it...? Why did I do it? Why did I fake again?

I already know the answer to that, and I don't think it was a bad reason, but it just... Left a bad aftertaste? I faked because I thought it was the best thing to do at the moment, for me and the other people involved, but... I don't think they felt well with it, and I certainly didn't.

I start wondering... Why did I feel like I should fake it? Why did I not stop it at the start? I knew from the get go that it wasn't something I felt like doing at that moment, so why did I do it?
I apologized for faking it already, it didn't go well with me, I don't think I'll do it again... I think I'll say what I feel proper next time... But still... I faked it because I thought it was right, but the outcome wasn't nearly close to what I desired, and I ended up with a bad aftertaste... I hope it didn't leave a bad feeling on the people involved too...

I guess the road to hell is filled with good intentions...

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Matsurika, doomeye1337, Emmyy and 5 others like this.

Comments

    1. AliceShiki Apr 13, 2018
      @doomeye1337 Yep, I reached a point in life in which I just said "screw it!" to all of those stressful stuff and entered a big fight and left home! I'm a lot better these days than I have been in a long time~

      I did feel terrible for faking for the one I love the most though... It's just... Wrong. Well, that was that though.

      I had my fair share of social withdrawal too though, I did it pretty often... I think I'm a lot more open nowadays than I was in the past though~

      But yeah, my environment pressured me quite a bit, and I'm glad I'm out of it now~
      doomeye1337 likes this.
    2. doomeye1337 Apr 13, 2018
      You're definitely not alone in faking, esp due to expectations resulting from others' skewed perception of you. Tons of people smile like nothing's wrong while essentially uncomfortable in their own skins. And yea, the worst part is when you feel like you have to fake for your loved ones.... I mean, they're the people closest to you! They should be the few people you never to have fake anything for.

      I don't really know the feeling of faking myself personally, but I do quite often socially withdraw myself when I'm in uncomfortable circumstances, and that alone feels pretty bad. I can only imagine how I'd feel if I felt the need to pretend to be someone else entirely, and not for my own sense of fun or satisfaction, but due to pressure and expectations.

      I think that's a consistent theme with your blogs. Your environment pressured you into "being" someone you aren't. Environment not only meaning the general society, but unfortunately, people close to you in your life. And that's the sad (and quite common) part. It's great though that you seem to finally be at the point in your life when you can finally take the wheel of your ship and truly discover and explore yourself.
      Matsurika likes this.
    3. AMissingLinguist Apr 9, 2018
      I'll admit a little bit of truth, and say that I've lied before. Most of my lies had to do with how much I could reduce the consequences of my actions. Wikipedia certainly covers all its basis for what a lie is. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lie
    4. Osamaru Apr 8, 2018
      *pats Lily* I can't say I don't know how you feel. but I don't know how to help, either. All I can say is You have people ready to catch you. Good luck, Lily.
      AliceShiki likes this.
    5. AliceShiki Apr 8, 2018
      @Clozdark Yep, I lied because of them, I acted as a fake me because of them... But it felt wrong, it felt like I shouldn't do this kind of thing... And so I started wondering why I did, even if know why I did it... Because I don't want to be a fake, not for them.

      @Fluffinya There are always ways to break through this! Don't give up and fight on! I was like that for a long time until I broke down! >.<
      Don't let it reach a breaking point! Break it first! Break it first before it will come back to bite you!
      Ganbatte!!!!!

      @asriu Being moody is okay I think, as long as you control the influence of your mood, it should turn out alright~
      I think trying to make the fake into a reality is more often than not a terrible ideal though... If we want to change, then it's okay to step by step trying to become someone different, but if we just feel like changing to make things easier... Then... *shivers* This will be terrible.
      Hmmmm... Not much more I can reply to, but I really liked the post anyway! >.< *grumbles about the like limit*

      @Notaborax That's exactly what I felt! I lied for people that I loved, but then... Why am I needing to be fake with the ones I love? If anything, they are the ones I should never be a fake with... Felt pretty terrible to me, which is why I needed to think about it.
      doomeye1337 likes this.
    6. Notaborax Apr 8, 2018
      imo people lie to make things easier and simpler for themselves. when they dont want to hurt the feelings of other people. to fit in with others. then you have to say is this lie worth it? if you cant really be yourself with the people you love, they dont really love you back. the bigger the false picture of yourself is the harsher the downfall
      doomeye1337 likes this.
    7. asriu Apr 8, 2018
      here we go again
      wall of
      I mean
      why being fake?
      fear
      escape
      life threatening situation (rare thing but not impossible there place I know where......... don't mind)
      forced by situation
      dunno which one is real and which one is fake
      aspiration~ by being fake you wanna make fake become reality
      or something like that
      which one your reason?

      my reason to act like what I usually do on nuf are simple~
      lazybum~ I'm moody person despite still try to controlling it~ fruit fall not far from it tree
      fake huh~ weird enuf this cat just another side of me which I rarely show irl~
      be grateful for that cuz there time I was called ice block(yup)

      hell have no gate or path but you can find it
      heaven have broad way but you not wanna step on it
      are you sure you being fake?
      or you confuse which one the real you?

      good luck on journey to find one of classic and really old question
      Who am I?

      dood it start to get weird
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
      Oh, Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh

      What do I stand for?
      What do I stand for?
      Most nights I don't know
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      Some Nights ~ Fun
      yuzuki and Notaborax like this.
    8. Fluffinya Apr 8, 2018
      I know what you say. I fake a lot in my life. I never say the stuff I want to have, I force myself into thinking that I have to be like her/him so that another person would be proud of me, I would never voice out my opinion. It's kind of sad to see what I've become.
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