Falling in Love

I've recently been thinking about the Bokura no Hentai manga, which for the record, is not an erotic manga. It's an interesting manga about three different people who were born as men, yet dress up as girls. One of them is transgender, another has some family issues, and another has more of a fetish. The story focuses primarily on the transgender girl, but also gives the other two plenty of spotlight of their own.

I can't say the manga is perfect in its representation of transgenders, but it does a good enough job while also having a pretty compelling story, which is why this is one of my favorite series.

I have been thinking about it lately, mainly because of one scene. I can't quite recall its chapter since I read the manga a while back, but I remember the context well enough... With the caveat that I may actually be mixing up the timing of when each thing happened within the story. Spoilers ahead.

The Main Character, Marika, had been in love with a boy for quite some time, who repeatedly rejected her... It took her some time, but she eventually accepted that her romance with said boy wouldn't work out.

But in this meantime, two other boys confessed to her, and while she was happy with the confessions, she was also torn, because she had loved a man for quite some time, and now her heart was already fluttering for someone else... She asks herself, while feeling extremely frustrated, "Am I fine with anyone!?"

That scene resonates with me really well, because I have thought that for a long time now. It is a really frustrating line of thought in all honesty. To think that I'd be willing to date anyone for as long as they want to go out with me.

I'm aware that I actually have some standards, there were people in the past that tried to approach me and I knew I did not want to stay close to them, so I pushed them away, but... Once that threshold has passed, I feel like anyone would be able to make me happy.

I have am dating someone right now. I really like this person and am enjoying our time together, we have a lot in common while also having our differences, I feel like my partner can understand my troubles better than the people I dated in the past, and I feel like I feel really comfortable near them. We haven't dated that long, but I already said that I love them.

And at the same time, I wonder what exactly brought me to date them, and I can't really point to anything other than the fact that they confessed to me first. I wanted to date them because they were willing to date me. I'm happy that things are working out well between us, but I also feel frustrated at myself, because I wonder... If any of my other friends had confessed to me that day, would things be working the same way they are right now? Would I still be as happy as I am right now? Because I'm certainly very happy with this relationship, and I really hope it works out well.

I remember reading an article a few years back that talked about transgenders and love, and I remember it having a figure about how transgenders were the most likely group of people to get into and remain into toxic and abusive relationships. Because we don't have confidence in ourselves, because we think nobody can love us, because we are desperate for someone's love, and are willing to go through anything for the sake of someone that can say that they love us.

I'm not saying that my partner is toxic, by all means no, I love my partner, and I'm really happy to be with them. What I'm saying related back to the manga quote, "Am I fine with anyone!?" because that's how it feels at times. I would never cheat on my partner, I would never consider dating someone else while I'm in a relationship. But I feel like I would be willing to date anyone for as long as they could say that they loved me and wished to be with me... For as long as they met the minimum threshold that made me want to be near them, of course.

I think what makes this the most frustrating, is that I don't really have a way of disproving this line of thought. How am I supposed to know if I'm fine with anyone or not? How am I supposed to know if I would have reacted the same way if a different friend had confessed to me that day? There is no way to know. There is no way to ease these worries. Most of what I can do, is to accept that as a part of me, and to understand this aspect of myself, and to try to be aware of my own relationship. Right now, each day with my partner has been nothing but bliss, but who knows what the future holds for us? If the relationship starts showing problems, I think I need to learn how to be aware of those problems, I think we need to try solving them before they start tearing us apart.

That's not really something unique to me though. Any couple should be aware of their problems and try solving them, I just... Think I'm more likely than most to turn a blind-eye to something I seriously dislike in order to remain in the relationship. I think I need to be self-aware enough to not turn that blind-eye and to actually solve the problem... Though granted, there is no way anyone will like everything about their partner. Accepting their flaws and understanding that you can't change them is also a part of being in a relationship.

Overall, I'm really happy right now, I'm really happy that I'm dating my partner. I just wish I didn't have these worries about me being fine with basically anyone, but I don't think there is really any way around that.