Fear

I was confessed to yesterday. That was a first for me. I have confessed to others before, I have had people being roleplay lovers with me, but being confessed to is a complete first.

It's scary to hear those words. To hear that someone likes you. To hear that someone wants to be with you... It's scary to hear that someone likes you, when you think that there is no chance that they'll still like you once they hear about you.

It was not an offline confession. It was from an online friend. I have dated other people online before, so the concept of online dating doesn't really bother me in the slightest, I don't mind being confessed to in an online setting... But it's still scary.

It's scary, because I feel I need to talk to myself to this person. They said they liked me, but can I say I like them back? I don't know, I hadn't seen them that way before, I hadn't given it any thought, I'm thinking on it right now. But more than me liking them back... Can they actually like me?

This is not my main account. This is not the account I use to talk to people. This is not the account that received the confession. This is my account that talks about my gender issues, my main account doesn't talk about them. Almost nobody knows that my main account is not owned by someone that was born a girl, but by someone that is a transgender girl.

When someone talks to me about romance though... I feel a necessity to open up to them. It's not like I want to talk about my gender issues. Truth be told, what I really want to do is bury them deep down forever and never talk about them to anybody, I want everyone to treat me as a girl, I don't want anyone treating me as a transgender girl. It hurts to see people being aware of the sex I was born with, I hate it.

But I have to talk about it. It's not fair to hide it from someone that is a significant other. I can hide it from friends, I can hide it from strangers, but I can't hide it from someone that confessed to me. It's not right.

And it's terrifying. I wasn't ready to talk about it. I wasn't close enough to talk to that person about it before, but now I suddenly felt like I had to. I don't think they'll just tell others about it, I trust that they'll respect me and keep things between us, that's not what terrifies me... What terrifies me, is that the person might pull back.

They confessed to me. They said that they liked me, and I told them that I was transgender... And now I wait for a response. This wait is terrifying. I'm not sure how I feel about them, but I'm scared of what they'll feel about me. I'm scared that the fact I'm transgender might be enough to push them away from me. To make them feel like their attraction towards me can't exist anymore now that they're aware of my gender issues.

I don't have many hopes for my love life. I'm aware that my face isn't girly in the slightest. I'm aware that my voice is obviously forced. I'm aware that most people aren't comfortable with dating a transgender, even if they might be able to respect me, they might not see me as a possible love interest solely due to my gender issues.

But having low hopes doesn't mean I have no hopes. It doesn't mean that my heart doesn't flutter when someone tells me that they like me, it doesn't mean that I don't get happy when I see the possibility of having another relationship after years by myself. It doesn't mean that I don't want to fall in love again, it just means that I'm skeptical of my chances of having a successful love life.

Which is why I'm so scared. I'm scared because this might confirm my fears. I'm scared because this might make it even clearer that I'm almost guaranteed to not find love solely because of my gender issues. That someone that likes me might instantly give up the moment they hear about me.

I confessed to someone not to long ago, I was rejected. That was fine for me. It hurts, rejection always hurts, but it was fine. I already expected it, I already thought that it would happen.
This feels different. This feels very different. The "normal" is that the person confessing should be the anxious one. The person confessing should be the one worried about being rejected or not, the person confessing should be the one scared... It shouldn't be the person on the receiving end, it shouldn't be the person that was confessed to that became terrified of the outcome.

But I am terrified of the outcome. I'm a lot more scared of this than I was of being rejected to the person I confessed to. I didn't expect to be confessed to. I wasn't ready to be confessed to. I didn't mentally prepare myself for a rejection. I am not prepared to have someone tell me that they don't want to date me anymore because I am transgender. It's really scary.

I wonder if they're also scared. Scared of seeing my reply, scared of seeing what I told them after they confessed to me late at night while I was offline. I wonder if that's why I didn't get a reply yet, even though I already saw them online.
Or maybe they're thinking about how to reply. Maybe they're confused about their own feelings after seeing what I told them.

I'm scared, but I want a reply. I want to know what will come of this. I want to understand what I want out of this, and I want to know if I can start crying now, or if I can smile instead.

I never thought I could get this troubled over a confession, a confession from someone that I had never looked at as a love interest. I had never done it. Not until now at least.