Gamers! Episode 11 reflections [spoilers]

((alert: incoming cellphone-typed ramble! Unedited!))

I've been saying for a while that Aguri is the best girl on the show, and I think I've felt that way for much of the series. Truthfully speaking, it's the fault of an certain frog-like anime blogger I used to like that I'm fond of pink-haired girls in anime (his favorite characters on MAL were all pink haired), so you could say it's an acquired taste. Despite this, I still do think Aguri is a great character as the "normie" in the group, and her spotlight in episode 10 was fantastic.

Aguri is the kind of character who is cheery and fun to be around, and she's tried a lot to transform herself to be someone whom her crush will like.

If you're ever the kind of person who ever attempted a 100% makeover for someone you like (incidentally, I have), it's hard not to empathize with Aguri and all the effort she puts in.

To some regard, at one point in my life, an Aguri-like character was everything that I aspired to be. For the sake of a guy I liked, I wanted to be bright and cheery and cute and optimistic, partially because those are qualities I lacked, and I felt like I could be more attractive and live a more fulfilling life if I were more energetic and positive. And I don't necessarily think I was wrong -- that period truly was a very very colorful springtime of my life, and I don't think I was wrong to have made an effort to drastically change myself, even if it was for a short period of time. I don't regret it one bit.

Even now, I still think the Aguris of the world are great, and I'm envious.

I'm envious because well, as Episode 11 of Gamers reminded me, even though I wish I were more like an Aguri, I'm actually far more similar to a Chiaki. To some extent, I relate to Chiaki so much that it hurts.

I'm not cute at all, and I'm not outgoing. I'm passive and I don't seize opportunities that come in front of me. I tend to withdraw when really I should advance, and I simmer too much in thoughts that aren't productive. I dress like Chiaki in the anime 90% of the time and I feel like a hermit that doesn't have much going for them.

Oh and I have an adorable younger sibling that's way better at socializing in life than I am.

When I think back, I relate way way too much to how Chiaki feels: feeling so inferior to the Tendou-san, it's impossible. That there's no way I can possibly compare to a lovely person like that, whereas for me it might as well be impossible to be remotely even close to as cute or outgoing or likeable. There's no way I'd ever be picked, with the way I am.

Ever.

If anything, it feels like sometimes if I shouldn't even have the right to be envious. Amano-kun and Tendou-san already have such a great relationship. How can I possibly justify feeling all the envy that I do? And I know I shouldn't -- because I wouldn't be a good person if I wished poorly for a happy couple (there's so many unethical things here) -- yet at the same time it feels like I don't deserve or have the right to even think about the person I liked.

Ahh... It's just that seeing Chiaki like this in Gamers episode 11 brought back so many memories.

It's so strange to think about this -- that is, old (yet deeply rooted insecurities) I've had for a long time. I've been really happy lately with my current relationship, so I've practically forgotten about it, but I think the scars over those insecurities are still very tender when they are touched.