I simply just want an antidote to the deserted human in me.

Author

Cerene

The Abandoned Woman, Female
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I think this is the most prominent and vivid thing I like to use my words for is how hollow my emotions truly are, I do not feel. humor has always been something that I have carried around, it hangs around my neck as a counterattack to whatever may try to pester and haunt me. it has been my most loyal companion ever since my whole being became numb, I do not feel. the only feeling that sticks around my aura is regret, regret that I have never once felt like a human being. the whole idea of a human being is foreign to me, conflicting, unusual, and absurd. how can one be stricken with such intensity and frequency of whatever chemicals the brain discharges, I will probably never experience proper function like a real human? whenever the clouds roar, lightning falls and gulps down its victim, not an inkling of sorrow drips from my being.

people think it is so poetic how I write about numbness when really, I'm just saying everything that has ever made me feel uneasy, being a human makes me feel uneasy. the concept of existence makes my mind slip away and wonder why I think the way I do because no one understands what I do. I never feel, all that goes through me is to never let anyone on that I am just a vacant, scarred soul that longs to feel. my mother constantly asks "are you happy?" and I always say "yes" because why would I answer otherwise? the last person who I'd let on would be the woman who gave me the life I so dread.

‘lonely’ is probably the only word that comes close to defining the ache in my cold, idle veins. there is no point in inhaling, exhaling, and trying to fit in with people who are not casualties of the void. I am yet to meet someone whose screws are hinged in the way mine is and I think if I am blessed enough for that, I would like to wither away with them, wilt with them, cease my breath with them and most of all, luminate the lonesome, darkened lane that I have trekked upon for eternity. physically, life is temporary but our souls remain to be judged by the Higher Up and I think, I will be a bit upset forever over how happiness was never anything to me even when the stars were aligned perfectly in every angle for my wake, the euphoria has been a word too alien to me.

I do not feel and I think, that was by default; someone has to let the null, blank vaccum weigh down on their soul so everyone else can have the pleasure of sensation and perception, maybe I am paying a price for something I never wanted. but that is okay, I do not feel selfish, I do not feel possessive, I simply just want an antidote to the deserted human in me.

You, daisukenowaifu, vieauty and 2 others like this.

Comments

    1. Cerene Aug 25, 2021
      @Kaylee *pat pat*
      A never ending cycle. *Sighs* How will we be able to break free from this awful cycle?
    2. Cerene Aug 25, 2021
      Happyman0512 likes this.
    3. Kaylee Aug 25, 2021
      maybe at some point I will ask myself, why do I alw be alone?
      But then I tell myself, I dont feel lonely, but yes I'm alone.
      When you find friends, and you're clicked, and then somehow you start to be very egoist and you want to be free with them not to hold yourself to their standard since we all are friends, right?
      But they feel I'm too free and ignorant, I need to be more ... caring, socialize and friendly. But I dont want that. If I force myself to be like that, I'll feel suffocate and start to find excuses to not play with them anymore. Then they'll guilt me to be more 'friends'. It's a repeat cycle.
      Feel envy with others friendship? Yes.
      But I want to freely breath and not have anxiety.
      Cerene likes this.
    4. vieauty Aug 25, 2021
      This... This, I could relate as it is also my sentiment for years now. *huggies
      Cerene likes this.
    5. Czaech_Returns Aug 25, 2021
      You were so indulged in deep philosophy that a man like you feels so foreign of being a man in the first place. I'd say, when one contemplates about too many things they always end up sad, but ironically you said you never felt anything, you rather feel vague but the more you object the feeling of nothing the more stronger it compels within. Let us all be fools for a while, the one who never thinks of anything but the joy of simplest things.
      Cerene likes this.
    6. Happyman0512 Aug 25, 2021
      well i know the feeling when your lonely because people don't understand you or you are having difficult empathizing with others,, it's way worse than being physically lonely but don't worry
      because someday you or even me(let's make it us since i can't type you and us every-time) will find a a weirdo who is like us and will make us happy and give us a best time even with out doing nothing
      this so called 'weirdo' will become a best friend
      so there is antidote
      and
      ....
      .......you'll have to find that antidote/a friend who is like you or understand's you
      Cerene likes this.