Introspection

I have lived a hard life, and I know that it has effected my emotional response to things. I used to be very "emotionless" I guess, but that isn't the right way to put it. It was more like I was in the habit of (still am) extremely distancing my emotions from the current situation at hand to the point that I knew what I felt, but I couldn't really experience it. Basically, I grew up in an environment where it emotions were not wanted and were detrimental to say the least.

Now here's the reason I'm writing this post... It's honestly kind of reactionary due to my surprise. I cried for someone just now. It wasn't much, but I actually cried for someone. I've never done that in my life. I would normally chastise myself or be disgusted at the thought of even displaying any emotion, but I actually... experienced and displayed emotion. All my life, I have grown up thinking that displaying emotions is a weakness (even though I have been working extensively against on this belief, it still holds a large semblance of truth in my practical life).

Basically, I have been working on experiencing my emotions when they happen, even if I still kind of look down on the idea, and this act of crying has been the first time I've actually done it. I don't know what to think about it to be honest. Inside my head contradicting views are fighting each other.

"Is this a sign of growth?" "Is this a good thing or is pursuing this type of path another weakness?"

Idk. I just needed to write something down somewhere because of how much my brain hurts over the whole situation now.

I think I'm going to try looking at the situation as growth and embrace the idea of a different kind of strength through emotional intelligence and empathy. Basically, I'll looking at the situation as a good thing that will help me understand my own and other people's emotions better and face them like an adult.