Introversion

Author

lychee

[- slightly morbid fruit -] ❀[ 恋爱? ]❀
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For the first time in a while, I am back in New York City.

We drove here to attend a wedding for one of Haru's friends, and oddly enough I have very mixed feelings having returned to the place where I spent my undergraduate collegiate years.

I do not have any lingering attachments to any person in this city in particular. While I know for sure that I have friends who are still living here (is it more accurate to call them "acquaintances"?), I do not feel any desire to meet anyone.

Therefore it is slightly ironic that Haru has a laundry list of friends to meet up with and I do not, even though I am the one who has lived in this city for four years. So it is perhaps odd that our positions are reversed coming back to this place.

Though, inherently, it has much to do with the differences in our personalities.

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Since the very beginning, I have been an introvert.

Although I have improved on this slightly over the years, this aspect about my fundamental nature has not really changed.

In fact, it is probably the case when I am most stressed that I desire to withdraw the most back into a shell. And indeed, lately work has been stressful. I've been putting in very many hours, and in fact technically I am not finished with my summer work yet even though the next academic year has already started. Perhaps I am partially full of regret (or frustrated?) that there was no vacation for me this summer even though many of my peers had the opportunity to take one -- though it's not like it wasn't my fault for not making time for one in the first place -- a work-o-holic personality of mine to blame. Therefore, there is no break, and I will start this second academic year already several days behind and mentally exhausted.

So going to a wedding this weekend with Haru isn't exactly my idea of a vacation.

Especially when I have a big presentation to give next Thursday, and medical school already started this week (which I've been skipping to finish summer work).

I think those are the stressers weighing on me right now.

You know that feeling where it feels like everything will feel better if you let it out and just cry? Like a sense of catharsis will come if you just let everything out?

I was feeling something like that on Wednesday.

I didn't quite cry though.

I have a very odd relationship with "stress". Most of the time, I don't notice it building inside of me, almost as if I'm unwilling to accept that I am stressed. I have to pause and think very objectively about whether I am or am not stressed -- and sometimes I conclude from a third-person perspective -- "oh, so I must be feeling stress right now."

I got comments from my classmates yesterday that I lost weight over the summer.

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I really regret not making time for a vacation.

Being an introvert, my idea for nice vacation would be a whole lot of silence.

In fact, my favorite time at work is maybe at 8 o'clock in the morning when nobody else is in yet. I like how peaceful it feels and how nice it is to have all of the space to myself (and still be productive).

I think this notion extends to what kind of vacation I would like as well.

And in fact, when I was going to school in New York, my favorite thing about the city was the city itself.

I liked wandering the city as an anonymous single person, the coffee shops, parks, and streets. I liked eating by myself and having places to go by myself. I liked having an endless amount of time to myself. And back then I had quite a lot of time to myself since those years were the ones I was struggling with our long-distance relationship.

Of course, I like spending time with Haru as well, since we are dating, but my fondest feelings about New York City are mostly time that I spent alone.

That's introversion quite at its extreme I suppose.

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Earlier this evening Haru and I drove to Brooklyn to have dinner with one of Haru's friends
(technically a double date) and furthermore chill around their place.

Incidentally, we all went to the same high school -- except Haru and co. are two years older than me -- and furthermore part of more sociable/popular circles than I was. So I knew Haru's friend -- except I hadn't seen them in person for perhaps five years.

And in a sense I've probably been secretly dreading meeting them again.

Oddly enough, I have a better time interacting with total strangers than people I'm mildly acquainted with.

Why?

Perhaps because I have an easier time constructing a persona for a new stranger.

There's no inconsistencies in character or behavior.

I have the most trouble interacting with Haru's friends -- and in particular high school friends of Haru -- probably because we have so much of a history.

And furthermore Haru talks too much about me.

I get self-conscious and unsure how to act.

I feel like the bar gets raised really high, and honestly I don't do well when the expectations are high. My personality is fundamentally defensive in the first place, and I don't like having my insides seen.

It is especially troublesome when Haru tells other people about me, because apparently other people get the impression that I'm really witty or have interesting insights about X, Y, or Z, except when I'm prompted about things such as my contrarian opinions or resume-like things that I am doing for school/work, obviously I'm no good when it comes to having an audience at a cocktail party.

Pillow talk is pillow talk.

The Pillow Book of Sei Shōnagon for instance.

Observations are observations, and private musings are private musings. I simply prefer to share those thoughts with people who are close to me. It feels jarring to take those things to more public places.

Though frankly this is just an excuse.

I just don't wish to be judged, and I don't like to have any spotlight.

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So it is difficult.

And in the end I'm just really quiet, and probably really awkward.

They talk very fast.

I think even if I wanted to say something, it would have been difficult to interject.

And then furthermore I'm not exactly an ordinary person.

I'm a millennial that doesn't use social media, watch TV or netflix, or follow any kind of music or pop culture. So therefore automatically it is difficult for me to connect with people.

Frankly my life is kind of consumed by work and studying.

The introversion is self-perpetuating in a sense.

Matsurika, Ddraig, Action and 3 others like this.

Comments

    1. Pyoo Aug 7, 2017
      *gapes in awe at the amount of words of the post AND the comments*
      Matsurika and sharlnina like this.
    2. doomeye1337 Aug 6, 2017
      "Oddly enough, I have a better time interacting with total strangers than people I'm mildly acquainted with." I can 100% relate to this. I think there's a lack of specific expectations with strangers that you have with outer acquaintances. With strangers, you both know you probably won't see each other again (or with online strangers, you can rest easy knowing you won't ever meet anyone irl if you don't want to) and can sincerely try to make the encounter a good one for both people. With the social ties that comes from being part of the same social orbit or being a far acquaintance comes social expectations and responsibilities (and I think those are even more amplified from asian cultural roots). While some people thrive in those environments, I shrivel in them myself. That's pretty much why I deleted my facebook within the 1st year of its existence and refuse to use other popular social media platforms.

      and technically, nuf is a social media :p
      For me specifically, I've noticed that while me and my close friends are still close, since we've had less time to spend together (anywhere from once to thrice a month). I mentally split my desire for friends and my desire for something of a social circle. Friends still complete my need of intimacy and such while nuf is more or less my place to casually enjoy my time socially. If I'm ever feeling chatty with no one to talk to irl, I just pop on nuf, troll around on some people's profiles or general chat if there's an interesting thread, and I'm free to disengage any time as I specifically maintain a distance and don't build up expectations.

      Anyways, you should probably literally schedule time slots where you have your alone/relaxation time : force yourself to take a break from working yourself into oblivious exhaustion. I've known many workaholics and it can become a real problem for their health/sanity. As much as working and keeping yourself busy is fulfilling and rewarding, remember to take moments for yourself now and then. Cycle your wants and needs through that importance queue~
      lychee likes this.
    3. episod3ux Aug 6, 2017
      You can't force yourself to be someone who you are not. It doesn't make you happy and stresses yourself further.
      It might sound intruding but you should talk with Haru about it.
      I'm sure he says those things since he is proud of having you as his girlfriend but its more important to have him as your support.
      Also about choices. Everyone does mistakes, and summer is over already. Treat this as a lesson for yourself and next time just grab the chance to vacation when it offers itself to you.
      Another thing. Try to find a way to relieve stress and fatigue in small doses. Its really unhealthy to keep everything bottled up. Letting it pile up will result in breakdowns when it gets too much to handle.
      In rest, is okay to be yourself even if you are different from those around you. Just try to make choice that make you happy.

      If you want someone to talk about nothings, I'm always around to listen. I won't promise I have some sort of perfect solution to everything but I will at least listen to you and give my opinion on it.
      (Hard to put thoughts in order at 4 am)
      doomeye1337, syc and lychee like this.
    4. Asteodia Aug 6, 2017
      Not following the norm is fine, I don't particularly follow it and sometimes lack conversational materials with those I consider friends. But being happy and stress free is really more important, please don't push yourself Lyc.

      I do hope the food at the wedding was enjoyable.
      lychee likes this.
    5. syc Aug 5, 2017
      -pat pat- You're not alone in being a millennial that doesn't follow any of the trends.

      I hope you got to enjoy the wedding.
      lychee likes this.