Let's try this again

Writing. I haven't done it in quite some time. About a month, I think. Though others and I have gone for longer stretches, so by no means is it a long dry spell. But not doing something you desperately want to do - it doesn't really matter how long it is, it aches just the same. And I'm still not sure if I can, but I've got the time, so I may as well try. And if I can't then I'll wait a little longer, until I can, and if I can then I can, and won't that be a treat?

I still want to be a writer. Those stints of not writing didn't change anything. I never stopped wanting to write. Sure, I've burned out before, but even when I felt physically and mentally incapable of writing, I still wanted to. Though I still don't really understand why. I think I enjoy it and that I'm good at it, but, somehow, that doesn't feel like it's enough. A person can devote so much time to writing, their entire life, I'm not sure if there is any justifiable reason to devote your life to anything. But I feel as if that's what I want to do. It's a strange feeling.

Thinking about what you want to do. That's a tough ask for anybody, I think. And people are so different. I can't see myself in school. It's such a slow and costly process. I just want to start doing. And I think I want to be a writer and actor. But in school those sorts of things were frowned upon. Only the extremely talented or lucky can become those things! It was always about getting good grades and a high paying job. And for a long time I thought my dreams were foolish, and I would stomp them out before they would even have a chance to bud. But if I really, really thought about it - what I want to do, then it would have to be those two things.

They were fun, but that's not good enough of a reason to devote your life to something. I think I have talent in acting, or at least that's what it seemed like at times, when I performed well once or twice. And I've never really been good at anything else during my younger days. My iron deficiency ruled out active activities, and my academics were - what's the phrase, ah - piss poor. A lot of my failing grades were bad luck, but most of the time it was simple disinterest. I never had a reason to do well academically. It just seemed like something I was told to do without a reason.

But acting and writing. I was good at those. So maybe I could be... one of those things that people should never try to be. It's not very stable or reliable, but it must be fun, right? I was so uncertain about everything, but I've finally got a direction, an idea of where to go and what to do. Just follow my dreams. It seems so much easier that way. Instead of being told to get good grades and go to college. I want to do what I want to do. Sure, it's not smart, but I don't think I care very much about being smart. I'd much rather dream.

Now what to write about. It's not as if I've had zero ideas since I stopped writing. But they were all starts and beginnings without much of an idea of any endings. They were all grand and large and long and seemingly unending. But I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I'm still a fairly amateur writer. I need something short. I need a beginning and ending. Something short and sweet... I guess I'll keep on thinking about it.

I want to write more, in fact, I had planned to write more. But I think this is all I've got for now, as I have forgotten what those things were. And I'm sure that if it was important, I would have remembered. Incidentally, what I ended up writing wasn't what I expected at all. And I can't seem to remember the thing I was intending to write. What's that phrase - writing from the heart? That must be it. My mind had other ideas, but this was what was inside my heart.

Oh, I read the start and remembered what I was planning to write. It really was unimportant.

One day I'll write a story that'll amaze! One day!