Have you ever felt Selfish for being Lonely? Maybe felt like you constantly have to put effort into talking to someone, even if you both seem to enjoy the time. Maybe you've even talked to someone every day for years, but felt if you were to stop contacting them tomorrow, you'd never hear from them again?
In your head, you know its stupid. People have their own lives. You can't expect people to fit neatly into your expectations or thoughts. And yet you start to wonder if You're really as close to people as you believe. Or if its just all in your head. If to them, you're just words on the Internet.
They say Communication is Key in any kind of relationship; Work, Family, Friends, Love... but how do you communicate that? The feeling that even in a room full of people, with a smile on your face, you feel alone? That even if you were there or not, it wouldn't really matter to the others. Just another face to talk to, but never really connecting or understanding.
I joke a lot about never having Dated before, but maybe that is one of the reasons I am so Nosy sometimes. Its funny; when I see my friends in happy and Healthy relationships, I can't help but grin ear to ear. It makes me happy to know they're Happy. Like I want to know every detail and story and share in that happiness.
Part of it is the interest, seeing how people interact in a way I feel like I'll never experience. But another part is the relief as well; I see them have someone there for them. Someone who cares that they're there. Someone who would miss them if they're gone. I know they won't have to feel like I do sometimes. I think that thought makes me grin all the more.
Yet, every now and again, I end up back in that corner of the room, alone with my thoughts. Watching the people go by, happy and smiling, wondering why I can't do the same. What is it that holds me back? Even when I start to feel that selfish jealousy well back up, I can feel it poison my confidence.
Even now I don't think I could do what others do. I don't know what it takes to make someone happy like that. To have someone who thinks about you, and to think about them in return. For all of my watching and ideas about what a "Relationship" should be, in the end they are just that. Idea, Opinions, theories. Like its some kinda Puzzle to be solved or game to be won, instead of two people sharing their lives.
Even in Friendships, I find myself falling back into those kinds of thoughts. That I'm not a "Good Friend", that I'm not doing what I should. That if I was REALLY their friend, they'd want me around.
In my own selfishness, I end up doubting and overthinking, trying to figure out the missing pieces and "Fix" the problem. All the while, forgetting that a Relationship in any situation is a project between TWO people.
So in the end, by pushing them out of the equation, I end up truly alone...
*Osa rant over. Nothing to see here people, move along!*
Loneliness, Confidence, Relationships, Friendships and Selfishness.
Author
Osamaru
『Shem's Best Pal ✧ Lexi's Ani ✧ Hamster's Keeper』, Male
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