Loneliness

Disclaimer: No, this post is not about me wanting a BF or GF for Valentine's, and no, I don't want Riajuus to explode, you won't find this kind of petty self satisfaction here.





I'm lonely. Well, obviously I'm lonely, I wouldn't be making this blog post otherwise.

Still... It's kinda strange.

Valentine's has never been a date I cared about... Rather, Valentine's is celebrated on June in my country, so this date matters even less for me than it does for many people... Funnily enough, I don't know the exact date of Valentine's in my country, I only know 14th of February is Valentine's on the US.

And yet... For some reason I'm feeling really really really lonely.

I mean, my last boyfriend broke up with me at around October of 2016... This means it was a pretty fresh event back on February 2017... Rather, I was still in love with him back then... And still, Valentine's didn't hurt me at all at that day.

Nowadays I feel some attraction towards him, but I think I'm slowly getting over my love for him... There are still many scars to heal, but I think I'm sloooowly moving forward.

And yet, I'm lonely. I'm lonely I'm lonely I'm lonely.

I'm not lonely because I don't have a boyfriend right now. I'm lonely because I miss people. I lost contact with people that I want to see again, that I want to talk to again, but I only have one way of contacting them, and they no longer answer on that medium.

... What am I supposed to do then? I feel powerless.

I mean, if I have a close friend IRL and we're distancing from one another, I can try getting close again. I can try getting together somehow, meeting, talking about random things, I can try removing the gap.

But when you can't contact them anymore... What then? I just feel useless... I hate feeling useless... I hate feeling hurt, and being unable to do anything about it.

Yeah, I feel hurt... I feel hurt for losing contact to people, and not even knowing why they're gone.

Haa, for Heaven's sake, I'm crying again... *sighs* I just... Why do people leave without saying anything? Did I mean that little to you?

At least tell me goodbye... At least give me a reason... At least give me a way of saying hi... Don't just leave me alone without saying anything...

I feel like I'm growing distant to some people I love, and I feel sad about it, but I still have their contact at least... Even if I feel like I don't have anything to talk about... Even if I feel like every day we're just getting father and farther from one another... We can still talk, we can still try to find something to make us close again.

But when I can't talk anymore... What do I do then?

Am I supposed to just be left alone crying by myself... Lend me your shoulder to cry in, don't leave me alone... I hate being alone...

I hate feeling like this... Especially because I know I am not alone, there are many people I am close to, some more than others, some a lot more than others, but I also have tons of casual acquaintances that I can rely on to cheer me up at the very least, because I can at least talk to them about something fun and forget about the day's worries...

But I... I don't know... I really don't feel like I should just... Leave my friends by themselves without even saying goodbye...

Saying goodbye hurts, but being left without even a goodbye hurts a lot more... Was I the only one that thought we were friends?

... That's not the impression I had at all... It hurts.

Haa... If only I could just understand why... If only I could do something about it... If only we could still talk... If if if, I keep thinking of pointless ifs, pointless ifs that I can do nothing about. Ifs that are never coming to fruition.

I wish I was a person that had my feet on the ground and thought about what I could do rather than what I would do if things were the way I wanted... But I'm not, I just think of ifs... Over and over again. If only this, if only that.

I guess it's about time I started taking action to take control of my own life... Maybe I should do that...
It doesn't give me any control over the lives of others though... It doesn't give me any way of talking to them when they're gone... Ah... I'm lonely.