Love is not perfect

Author

AliceShiki

『Ms. Tree』『Magical Girl of Love and Justice』, Female
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I wanted to preface this blog with this exert from the Her Pet webtoon. The blond girl is in a relationship (the friends don't know that) with a really extroverted girl at the time of these panels... I think her expression at the end shows very clearly how happy she is to hear her friends' opinions on the matter.

So... What did I want to talk about? I feel like people that have never been in a relationship have a really idealized vision of love, that they will find their perfect prince charming that will love them above all else, will never hurt them, betray them or make anything they dislike... Reality isn't that pretty.

Couples have problems. All Couples have problems. Literally. Every single one of them. There doesn't exist a single couple in the world without problems, you can quote me on that.

When you're faced with problems in your life, there are always 3 options available to you. You can solve it, you can run from it, or you can deal with it. You can also seek outside help for consultation and comfort, but in the end you'll be the one that will need to find a way to get rid of your problems, people won't solve them for you.

So... What is the right choice? When a couple has a problem? Well, I can tell you in advance that dealing with it is generally the wrong choice. Sometimes problems disappear with time, so we decide to just deal with it... Like that one annoying friend that likes to make sexist jokes, you'll probably stop seeing them once you finish school anyways, so do you really need to confront them about it? Sometimes you can just deal with it and avoid the confrontation... Unless the jokes bother you a lot, in that case you ought to do something about it, but... You get the gist of it.

Well, sorry to tell you, but love problems don't disappear with time, they grow with time. You think it's not a big deal if your boyfriend likes drinking a bit too much? Just wait until he starts bringing his alcoholic friends that treat you like their maid home, or when he crashes his car because he didn't control himself in a day they had to drive... Or worse, wait until they crash your car that you lent them because they promised they would not drink too much this time.

What if the problem is something really small though? Like... Your husband likes to leave the toilet seat open, while you like it closed... Surely you can deal with that?
Then you notice he always seems to forget to put a new roll of toilet paper when it runs out.
Then you notice he tends to not bring his cup of coffee from the computer to the sink, so you often times have to wash it once all the dishes are already cleaned.
And then you suddenly see yourself starting a big fight with him because he forgot to clean his shoes before stepping home in a day you just finished cleaning.

Which of those issues was the problem? All of them. They were small easy to solve stuff that you just dealt with and didn't bother complaining about because they were too small... They stacked up and created a big problem which is... He annoyed you, his compilation of small annoying actions left you very annoyed.
Worst part? He doesn't know what the problem is, you will scream the problem at his ears while crying, and he will just look at you with a dumbfounded face (or get angry back at you) while wondering "Why the fuck is she so angry because I forgot to clean my shoes?" The problem was not the shoes. The problem were a bunch of small things added together, and the shoes were one of those.

Not saying that you can't ever deal with things though, but... Talk about them first. Like... If you don't like it when your husband goes out Saturday Morning to play soccer, you can try to convince him to not do it... But maybe he really loves soccer and works all week, so he only has time to play in the Saturday Morning, so he really really wants to do it. Especially because it's the only time he can have with his friends that are now all working in different areas and are married and taking care of children and... Well, you get the idea.
Maybe you can find a compromise, or maybe you can just conceded and let him do what he wants... But make sure to talk about it and make him understand what you don't like and why. The why in particular is very very important.


Okay, I think I talked enough about the dealing with it part, what about solving the problem? Well... That leads to confrontations, everyone hates confrontations, they're stressful, can lead nowhere sometimes, and are just taxing in general... Not to mention they take time, and sometimes you're just so so busy that you can't spend time in a confrontation.

Yeah... That's the wrong line of thought, your busy schedule can definitely wait until after you solved that one problem that has been driving you crazy. Your mental health is more important than almost any other worry you might have, so make sure to keep yourself healthy.

There isn't much more to say, just... Handle issues calmly and talk like an adult. There is an issue and you want it solved. Maybe the other party doesn't think it is an issue, but... Then you need them to understand it is an issue for you. Because this is important, if you think it is an issue, then of course it is an issue, you're bothered by it!

But seriously, keep a cool head, explain yourself, and try to find a solution. A heated up debate will rarely lead anywhere, so you both need to stay calm... Crying and shouting will generally not lead to a good outcome. Generally. It's better to always try handling issues like an adult... Even if adults often cry and shout themselves... Well, stick to the ideal image of an adult for that one! xD


And next we have running... You run from an issue, it means you gave up on it, you just don't look that way and hope for the best. This obviously has plenty of overlap with the approach of dealing with it, but the main difference here is that you're pretending it doesn't exist, as opposed to being very conscious about it and troubled by it.

Well, that is possibly the worst approach to a problem, please don't ever pretend it doesn't exist, it won't go away.

Luckily (or not), there is more than one way of running... The other way is to break up. "You're just not meant to each other" "It was not meant to be" "It's not you, it's me" all bullshit.

Not saying that breaking up is not a valid solution though, it's a very very valid solution that will solve all your love issues... May make other issues arise, but it will definitely solve your love problems.

Just don't hide it behind such silly covers, a relationship working out is never just 1 person's problems. It's always the couple's problem. And generally speaking, it comes from lack of communication, so make sure to communicate and speak out about your issues! >.< (men in particular love to hide their issues and pretend to be strong and that everything is fine... Screw you, start talking about your problems right now, you can be strong in front of your friends, in front of your girlfriend you can and should cry all you want and need.)


... I think I steemed a LOT away from my original goal with this blog... My point was to tell people that relationships have issues and it's absolutely normal to have issues, lots of issues even. No couple is perfect and it's not meant to be perfect.

So uhn... Don't go thinking you should break up at the first problem in your road, because there will be plenty more others coming at you no matter how many people you start to date. Talk about your problems and try to solve them... Breaking up is always an option, but it should not be your first one. (it also shouldn't be your last one, mind you. Don't overstay in a toxic relationship that brings you far more harm than good.)

A relationship is something very intimate that involves two people with completely different experiences and that were brought up in completely different ways with completely different circumstances, it's inevitable some issues will arise from living together and being very close to someone that has so many differences from you.

The good part though? Love is a very strong force. It's not perfect, but it's very very strong. You both care for one another, you both love one another, and you both want to see this relationship work... So, you should try to make it work! And you both will try, you will try your best, because that's what love is all about!
... Just make sure you point your effort in the right direction. Rather than buying an expensive gift to apologize for that one big fight you had last night, why don't you instead try to find the issue that caused the fight in the first place? And then you can try fixing it, I bet it will make your partner a lot happier than any gift you could possibly give them.

Phew, this became quite long and I digressed a lot. That's all I had to say on the topic I guess. I'm no love guru, but I have been in relationships before and talked to people that got involved in them too, and know a fair amount of people that had their relationships break apart due to lack of conversation, which eventually led to toxic and terrifying relationships where there was just no love anymore, as well as divorces and... Well, you get the idea.

Welp, I dunno how to close this nicely, so... Alice out~ *rolls*

You, Pray Alpha, Haerether and 9 others like this.

Comments

    1. AliceShiki Sep 28, 2019
      *pats @Fossil's head* Take your time~

      @A5G_Reaper Agreed, agreed, happily ever after is just a fairy tale in the end~

      @UnGrave Well, if you're fine with it, I think there isn't any problem in doing what you do~
      I really do want to be in a relationship myself though, so I think I'm more willing to give things a shot, but that's because of how much I want it~
      If you're fine with your current situation, I don't believe there is any reason for you to change your approach to things~

      @Cutter Masterson 100% agreed! Couldn't have said it better myself! (unless I went on and on on a lengthy blog about it... >.>)

      @lychee I agree with you though! xD

      Like, I think I went on for far too long on the issues of just dealing with the problems, primarily because this is the primary reason (IMO) for my parents' divorce, there was basically no communication and they never tried to solve their problems, they just dealt with it... Until it reached a point that they couldn't deal with it anymore.

      But like, I think I dedicated a paragraph or so talking about how we sometimes just need to deal with things or at least try to find a compromise? I probably should have dedicated more time to this part, but I didn't exactly plan this blog out... :blobsweat_2:

      @SummerForest Agreed, it's not simple to have a long lasting relationship, a strong sense of companionship, trust and tolerance are all very important to make it work~

      @kyuukestu Because I missclicked! xD *goes fix it*
      Choosing your battles wisely is probably the best way of putting my thoughts on this. You can't fight all battles as you'll both tire and stress both you and your partner out... But you need to have the sensibility to know when you do need to fight them in order to keep your relationship working~

      @Momoyuki Glad things are working out this well for you!

      I made the example of your husband going to soccer matches, because that's actually something that happened with my brother and his wife btw, she really didn't like how he went out to play in the Saturday Morning... Until one day my brother insisted very very heavily that his wife went there with him.

      What she found was basically a bunch of grown ups playing soccer under the rain in a muddy field and... Well, just that. She was like... "that's it?" and he was... "Well, what did you expect?"

      She thought that there would be more people around, maybe the girlfriends of some people or some girls that wanted to hook up with the people playing... She is kinda possessive and can easily get jealous, so she was worried over what was happening.

      But well, when she saw what the experience was like, she became totally fine with my brother going there every week to play.

      It's one of those times that things were solved by her just accepting that it was something he liked to do... But at the same time, the fact she confronted him about it made him take her there and ease her worries, so... It worked out somehow~
      Hitedo, Haerether, mir and 4 others like this.
    2. Snowbun Sep 28, 2019
      I agree that communication is one of the most important things in a relationship but I think acceptance is what made my own relationship last 15 years so far. To give each other their own space to be themselves without judging (too much) and without wanting them to change for you but for what's best for themselves is something that we have always strived for. I never stopped my husband from going anywhere he wanted to and at the times I couldn't be with him, we were apart for months and even years. But we supported each other and never wanted to leave the other behind. I don't know if that's love but I'm pretty happy with what I have right now.
      Hitedo, Haerether, kyuukestu and 3 others like this.
    3. kyuukestu Sep 28, 2019
      First off. Why is the Category for this blog Food?

      Secondly, I agree with most of what you have to say, but to a greater extent, I also agree with @lychee

      Relationships are a fairly delicate balance of sacrifice and commitment. I would primarily say that the couple in question needs to find the sweet spot that works for them. Give and take to a tolerable extent. The sacrifices made in a relationship shouldn't be entirely one-sided or ridiculously lopsided.

      I guess the best thing is to just know yourself and then choose your 'battles' wisely. You'll tire/frustrate yourself just as easily by taking an issue with every little thing~
      Haerether, mir, SummerForest and 2 others like this.
    4. lychee Sep 28, 2019
      @SummerForest :blobjoy::blobjoy::blobjoy: Acid Test of time is so true but sounds so horrible!

      I think most people who have been in relationships for a veryyyy long time and people who are just starting to date will have different perspectives.

      To me, love evolves and people evolve. The person you marry today will not be the same person 20 years in the future. The romantic feelings that were there in the beginning will disappear for lots of people, and you are a very rare and lucky person if it stays.

      Consequently, think very carefully about the things in the relationship that are most important to you.

      For me, they are comfort, acceptance, mutual dependency, and companionship, even though Haru and myself have tremendous incompatibilities, possibly even to a ridiculous degree, I think we have something that has allowed us to stay together despite a lot of hardship after many years, and will probably hold us together for a while moving forward too.
    5. SummerForest Sep 28, 2019
      @lychee I agree with you 100%. Relationships that stand the acid test of time, are often not based on romantic love. Rather, they are based on mutual tolerance and dependence. The outsiders may often call them relationships for benefits, but what is more beneficial than solace of mind and a sense of fulfilment that you're able to nurture and protect something even though the obligations of love are there no more?
    6. lychee Sep 28, 2019
      Hmm, I have very mixed feelings about this blog post! :blobxd::blobxd::blobxd:

      I think it's mixed for me because I think there's a component of "dealing with" to every relationship. I mean, of course you should bring it up as a problem, but realistically there are many circumstances that communicating doesn't "solve" the issue and you're back to exactly where you started.

      I also think it's a little unreasonable to expect that your loved one will change in every single possible fashion to to suit everything that bothers you. Sooner or later, there is something they will not (can't, or will refuse) to change on, and then you have to deal with it.

      This goes both ways in a relationship. You will be bothered about things about your partner, and the other direction will be equally true. It may not even be equal in a relationship, with one side being bothered by more things than the other. There will anyways be a list of things that collect.

      The question about the outcome really is about:
      • Your level of tolerance for the things in question
      • The importance of the relationship to you in other ways

      If the relationship brings more positive things to you that outweigh the negative points, then to me it is reasonable to stay in the relationship.

      I actually think it's quite unrealistic to expect that all (or even most) of the negative things will change. In fact, I think most people are deluding themselves slightly when they try to convince to themselves that their partners will "get better" after having a talk. In this sense, I don't really believe that most issues will be "solved", despite all the best communication in the world.

      Rather, at best someone chooses to "tolerate" it or find some compromise that isn't really a total solution.

      And from that point you have to decide whether it's a relationship you want to stay in.

      IMO, realistically many relationships in the world are quasi-dysfunctional from the perspective of love, but they are still fine relationships. A marriage doesn't have to be established on love, and most couples will not be perfectly ideal for each other. However, a similarity in values (or objective) can be a fine reason to hold onto a marriage or relationship even if love is lost someday.

      ...Although, that's just my personal opinion.
      Haerether, mir, AliceShiki and 5 others like this.
    7. Cutter Masterson Sep 28, 2019
      Key points in a relationship. Just for starters. Listening, understand, do things for each other, humor, communicate and never stray. These are probably in the top 10 things needed in a relationship. At least that’s what I think.
    8. UnGrave Sep 28, 2019
      I mean, I guess perhaps I shouldn't be so picky with people? I've never started a relationship with anyone since I quickly determine most people to be incompatible with me. I simply don't really think I would be able to like those people so I feel absolutely no need to be around them at all. Most of the time even if I do find someone who seems like a reasonable choice, I tend to subtly try small psychological tests on them to see how they react, and usually determine from those that we're also incompatible. I guess psychological tests sound a bit terrible, but generally, it's just me watching how they act. I guess it doesn't really matter though so I'll just keep on like this until something changes.
      Haerether, mir, hitedo and 1 other person like this.