I wanted to preface this blog with this exert from the Her Pet webtoon. The blond girl is in a relationship (the friends don't know that) with a really extroverted girl at the time of these panels... I think her expression at the end shows very clearly how happy she is to hear her friends' opinions on the matter.
So... What did I want to talk about? I feel like people that have never been in a relationship have a really idealized vision of love, that they will find their perfect prince charming that will love them above all else, will never hurt them, betray them or make anything they dislike... Reality isn't that pretty.
Couples have problems. All Couples have problems. Literally. Every single one of them. There doesn't exist a single couple in the world without problems, you can quote me on that.
When you're faced with problems in your life, there are always 3 options available to you. You can solve it, you can run from it, or you can deal with it. You can also seek outside help for consultation and comfort, but in the end you'll be the one that will need to find a way to get rid of your problems, people won't solve them for you.
So... What is the right choice? When a couple has a problem? Well, I can tell you in advance that dealing with it is generally the wrong choice. Sometimes problems disappear with time, so we decide to just deal with it... Like that one annoying friend that likes to make sexist jokes, you'll probably stop seeing them once you finish school anyways, so do you really need to confront them about it? Sometimes you can just deal with it and avoid the confrontation... Unless the jokes bother you a lot, in that case you ought to do something about it, but... You get the gist of it.
Well, sorry to tell you, but love problems don't disappear with time, they grow with time. You think it's not a big deal if your boyfriend likes drinking a bit too much? Just wait until he starts bringing his alcoholic friends that treat you like their maid home, or when he crashes his car because he didn't control himself in a day they had to drive... Or worse, wait until they crash your car that you lent them because they promised they would not drink too much this time.
What if the problem is something really small though? Like... Your husband likes to leave the toilet seat open, while you like it closed... Surely you can deal with that?
Then you notice he always seems to forget to put a new roll of toilet paper when it runs out.
Then you notice he tends to not bring his cup of coffee from the computer to the sink, so you often times have to wash it once all the dishes are already cleaned.
And then you suddenly see yourself starting a big fight with him because he forgot to clean his shoes before stepping home in a day you just finished cleaning.
Which of those issues was the problem? All of them. They were small easy to solve stuff that you just dealt with and didn't bother complaining about because they were too small... They stacked up and created a big problem which is... He annoyed you, his compilation of small annoying actions left you very annoyed.
Worst part? He doesn't know what the problem is, you will scream the problem at his ears while crying, and he will just look at you with a dumbfounded face (or get angry back at you) while wondering "Why the fuck is she so angry because I forgot to clean my shoes?" The problem was not the shoes. The problem were a bunch of small things added together, and the shoes were one of those.
Not saying that you can't ever deal with things though, but... Talk about them first. Like... If you don't like it when your husband goes out Saturday Morning to play soccer, you can try to convince him to not do it... But maybe he really loves soccer and works all week, so he only has time to play in the Saturday Morning, so he really really wants to do it. Especially because it's the only time he can have with his friends that are now all working in different areas and are married and taking care of children and... Well, you get the idea.
Maybe you can find a compromise, or maybe you can just conceded and let him do what he wants... But make sure to talk about it and make him understand what you don't like and why. The why in particular is very very important.
Okay, I think I talked enough about the dealing with it part, what about solving the problem? Well... That leads to confrontations, everyone hates confrontations, they're stressful, can lead nowhere sometimes, and are just taxing in general... Not to mention they take time, and sometimes you're just so so busy that you can't spend time in a confrontation.
Yeah... That's the wrong line of thought, your busy schedule can definitely wait until after you solved that one problem that has been driving you crazy. Your mental health is more important than almost any other worry you might have, so make sure to keep yourself healthy.
There isn't much more to say, just... Handle issues calmly and talk like an adult. There is an issue and you want it solved. Maybe the other party doesn't think it is an issue, but... Then you need them to understand it is an issue for you. Because this is important, if you think it is an issue, then of course it is an issue, you're bothered by it!
But seriously, keep a cool head, explain yourself, and try to find a solution. A heated up debate will rarely lead anywhere, so you both need to stay calm... Crying and shouting will generally not lead to a good outcome. Generally. It's better to always try handling issues like an adult... Even if adults often cry and shout themselves... Well, stick to the ideal image of an adult for that one! xD
And next we have running... You run from an issue, it means you gave up on it, you just don't look that way and hope for the best. This obviously has plenty of overlap with the approach of dealing with it, but the main difference here is that you're pretending it doesn't exist, as opposed to being very conscious about it and troubled by it.
Well, that is possibly the worst approach to a problem, please don't ever pretend it doesn't exist, it won't go away.
Luckily (or not), there is more than one way of running... The other way is to break up. "You're just not meant to each other" "It was not meant to be" "It's not you, it's me" all bullshit.
Not saying that breaking up is not a valid solution though, it's a very very valid solution that will solve all your love issues... May make other issues arise, but it will definitely solve your love problems.
Just don't hide it behind such silly covers, a relationship working out is never just 1 person's problems. It's always the couple's problem. And generally speaking, it comes from lack of communication, so make sure to communicate and speak out about your issues! >.< (men in particular love to hide their issues and pretend to be strong and that everything is fine... Screw you, start talking about your problems right now, you can be strong in front of your friends, in front of your girlfriend you can and should cry all you want and need.)
... I think I steemed a LOT away from my original goal with this blog... My point was to tell people that relationships have issues and it's absolutely normal to have issues, lots of issues even. No couple is perfect and it's not meant to be perfect.
So uhn... Don't go thinking you should break up at the first problem in your road, because there will be plenty more others coming at you no matter how many people you start to date. Talk about your problems and try to solve them... Breaking up is always an option, but it should not be your first one. (it also shouldn't be your last one, mind you. Don't overstay in a toxic relationship that brings you far more harm than good.)
A relationship is something very intimate that involves two people with completely different experiences and that were brought up in completely different ways with completely different circumstances, it's inevitable some issues will arise from living together and being very close to someone that has so many differences from you.
The good part though? Love is a very strong force. It's not perfect, but it's very very strong. You both care for one another, you both love one another, and you both want to see this relationship work... So, you should try to make it work! And you both will try, you will try your best, because that's what love is all about!
... Just make sure you point your effort in the right direction. Rather than buying an expensive gift to apologize for that one big fight you had last night, why don't you instead try to find the issue that caused the fight in the first place? And then you can try fixing it, I bet it will make your partner a lot happier than any gift you could possibly give them.
Phew, this became quite long and I digressed a lot. That's all I had to say on the topic I guess. I'm no love guru, but I have been in relationships before and talked to people that got involved in them too, and know a fair amount of people that had their relationships break apart due to lack of conversation, which eventually led to toxic and terrifying relationships where there was just no love anymore, as well as divorces and... Well, you get the idea.
Welp, I dunno how to close this nicely, so... Alice out~ *rolls*
Love is not perfect
Author
AliceShiki
『Ms. Tree』『Magical Girl of Love and Justice』, Female
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