Love

Love is a really strange thing.

I think most people that frequent General have seen a fair amount of threads related to love already... And well, they still come up every now and then.

Love is a really mysterious and fickle thing, it's very hard to define and even harder to understand.

My first experience with love was... Crazy. That was the word I used to describe it, a blazing hot crazy love that took me completely out of my comfort place and made me dive headfirst into something I knew that could only hurt me and him, but I had no choice but to keep going, for I loved him.

It was a very special relationship that I hold with strong care and attachment... It was something I absolutely enjoyed, even if I cried rivers and rivers of tears over it. Even if it was the main cause for me dropping out of university, and having a serious clash with my parents and made me leave my parents' home, I can honestly say it was the best thing that ever happened to me... Maybe the worst too though.

Still, it ended on late 2016, and I was left pretty broken for quite some time, but... Slowly, but surely, I have started to move on... I noticed I needed a lot of changes in my life to be happy, both on my situation and on myself, and I have steadily working on it... I'm still far from what I want, but I'm slowly moving forward... Slowly, but surely, I'm doing what I need... And then, I noticed something... I was struck with love again.

If there is one thing that I need to say about myself in advance, is that I have been a lesbian for as long as I remember, falling in love with a man at first was a very very very unexpected experience for me... And well, it was what made me become bisexual as well.

So, it was no surprise that my second love was a girl... Still, I have a strange bad luck in falling in love, as I always fall for straight girls, this time was no different. She had a boyfriend.

Though it was... Unusual? I mean, while she definitely wasn't my 2nd crush (probably close to 8th or so), she is the 2nd one I can say that I was honestly in love with... And yet, when rejected, I felt... Like it was okay.

It felt wrong. It felt so very wrong. Why isn't the world ending? Why am I not feeling as if the word should be ending because I was rejected? That is what I felt when my first relationship ended, why am I not feeling it again from being rejected?

Was this love? Was this really love? Or was I using her to get over my love from ex-boyfriend. Was I just faking my feelings, or was this real? I don't know, I don't know and I am still trying to know it... I'm still trying to understand myself, understand if I was just fooling myself, and making use of someone else to put my feelings in order, of if I was truly feeling love for that someone.

I don't want this. I don't want to make use of someone else to get over a person... If I am in love with someone, I should love them for who they are, not because they make me not think of someone... I really don't want this, and so I try to understand... But I have a hard time understanding. I am unsure if I'll ever understand... But I try anyway, I really don't want to hurt someone because I was unconsciously using them... I really don't.

And then... There is one other person. A 3rd one. An unusual one.

If my 1st love was a blazing hot and crazy one, the 2nd one was a calmer and stable one... It was an attraction, a feeling of wanting to be together forever and ever, but not nearly as aggressive as my first one...

This one though? I don't know what it is.
Maybe it is just attraction? Maybe it is something else? I don't know.

I fell for my first love in a day or two, it was that fast, we were in a relationship in less than a week, it was ridiculous, and I knew it screamed trouble... And in trouble I got... And while I did get plenty of regrets, if I had the choice, I would probably do it all over again... It was that good for me, even if absolutely horrible as well.

The second one was slowly developed for over an year though, it was something that came as I started getting more mentally stable and less broken down... I was happy with her, and wanted to be with her even more... But was afraid of asking, because I knew my chances were very very slim... There were tons of factors that made it unlikely for her to go out with me... LDRs aren't really that easy in the first place, and I didn't know if she was straight or not, plus some other personal things... It was unlikely, but I wanted to try... I wanted to try it enough to the point that I tried.

This made me think it was love, but at the same time, I felt as if the world hadn't ended... So was it really love? I didn't know, for the only thing I had to compare to, felt like the world had ended.

And then the 3rd one... The one I don't know what it is... Looking a bit to the past, I think this person's presence might have been the final push that made me confess... As if I wanted to know how to act, how to move and what could I do and what could I not... I wanted to make sure of my own feelings before I looked at them.

Suffice to say that the 3rd person is totally my type. I like her quite a bit and the way she behaves is really alluring to me... I have a hard time not going along... At the same time, I'm pretty sure she is mostly playing around and not serious about it, so I don't think I should take it seriously... But I have a hard time not taking it seriously.

Is thinking about taking it seriously already love? Or is it just me overthinking things? I tend to overthink quite a bit after all. I don't know, it is a recent feeling, and one that is still confusing me.

Both the 2nd and 3rd times are being unusual feelings for me... Unusual, because I have had no intention of falling in love for a long while after the break up with my ex, I wanted to be far from love at least until 2019... And yet, I already got in love and was rejected once... And now I am maybe feeling something again... Just a bit after a rejection...

I don't know what to think of this feeling, nor do I know what to think of my feelings for my 2nd love... It is such a troublesome thing... Love is so so troublesome... Why is it so strong, and so important then?

I think and find no solution... Maybe I should let myself just be dragged along for a while and see where it goes... God knows I like being dragged along a lot more than dragging people around...

Haa... If only I could get myself to like myself again quicker... Things would be a lot easier then... Self-hatred can be quite a bother at times... Especially when you're thinking of attaching yourself to someone else.