Miscellaneous musings on sexuality #2
@lychee writes stuff - blog post #11
Accompanying listening music: Lonely Morning | Lofi & Chillhop
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—"Do I look like a slut?"
I can't even count the number of times this thought has crossed my head in the past.
It is almost a compulsive worry. Even if I'm not thinking about it actively, it is an ever-present rain cloud that hangs subconsciously above my head. Many years before I even knew the vocabulary existed, I was measuring myself (and others) with this imaginary measuring stick of promiscuity.
There is a saying that women are far more judgemental than men when it comes to other women. Nobody likes a slut, and everybody whispers among themselves when there's rumors of that girl who likes to "play low".
There is a powerful tug-of-war between the impulse to appear attractive/desirable to the people that we like, but not so much so that we appear like a loose woman to others at the same time.
Most girls in Western countries wrestle with this dilemma while growing up.
We live in a world where female sexuality seems to exist in the public consciousness as extremes. Either someone is a holy maiden of chastity, or the slutty incarnation of a sultry succubus. The territory in between often feels as precarious as quicksand, and is riddled with complicated snags and a spider net of nasty social networks.
That said, if you like somebody as an adolescent and want to somehow communicate your feelings to them, it most likely means you will need to flirt. However, even the subtlest flirting can be spicy business, and it is territory that often teases a razor-thin line.
Consequently, I think it is nearly impossible to discuss female sexual expression without dedicating a blog post to what I'll call the "Slut Complex".
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I was around age thirteen when I first became aware of the fact that my body could be "weaponized".
Back then, my main sport was competitive swimming, and we had swim practice around 3-4 times a week. I had started racing when I was nine years old, and I had many friends from the district swim team.
Given that my cohort of friends got to know each other from a young age, it is sort of evident that none of us saw each other in any romantic or sexual way in the beginning. We were all very good friends, and all of us had a lot of fun with each other.
However, a certain infamous thing called puberty happened.
For this particular memory, a few of my teammates had qualified for the state (provincial) championships, so our coach had set up us with a more rigorous practice regimen. Consequently, we had these "dry land" sessions where we did weights or various other exercises that built muscle strength in addition to a harder swimming schedule.
Normally, we would do "dry land" on yoga mats right after swim practice. Most of us wouldn't bother to change out of our swim suits because the coach liked to get started right away, and there wasn't really time to shower. As a result, most of us would put like a T-shirt and shorts or something over a wet swimsuit and work out in that.
I remember one practice being particularly hard and sweaty, and I sort of flopped down outstretched on the yoga mat, exhausted and happy.
While the others were packing up and getting ready to leave, a bunch of my friends congregated around my mat to wait for me because I was too lazy to begin cleaning up yet.
I think my position must have been stimulating somehow, because suddenly one of my friends (we'll call him "Waves") remarked:
Waves: "You look really promiscuous right now, you know?"
And that really surprised me. First of all, "promiscuous" was a pretty big word for some middle school kids, and second of all this was coming from a friend that I vaguely considered romantically attractive from the perspective of my newly emerging middle school sexuality.
I sort of remember lazily rolling around a little bit on the mat and asking Waves:
Me: "Huh?"
First of all, I was still wearing my swim suit underneath my clothes, so the me from back then had naively thought that there was nothing wrong even if my swimsuit showed a little. We all saw each other in our swimming attire all the time anyways, so originally I didn't see how there could be anything wrong with me wearing even more clothes than usual.
And I also remember him and some of the others looking away slightly bashfully.
Oblivious Bystander Friend: "What does promiscuous mean?"
Me: (feigning ignorance) "Yeah, what does promiscuous mean?"
Waves: "Well... you can look up later in the dictionary..."
After cleaning up, I ended up teasing pestering Waves for the rest of the day about exactly what he meant. It was a strangely giddy feeling, and I liked it a lot.
And it was my first time experiencing something like that.
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Later in that same year, I started dating for the first time. The details of the first relationship are not very important, but my initiation into the romantic world sparked two major changes to my life.
My first relationship did not last very long before I was rather dramatically dumped (reason: I was wayyy too clingy and overbearing). I picked up a brooding and chuunibyou dark flavor after that event, and I developed a somewhat angsty and melodramatic character quite typical for many middle schoolers and teenagers.
The second point is that I developed a little bit of an addiction for romance.
This may sound a little unbelievable, but I have never gone through a single year in my life without liking or crushing over someone ever since I was thirteen. I've never had a break. There has always been a significant other, ex-significant other, attractive guy, online guy, judo class guy, anonymous nameless blog comment guy........ the list goes on...... and sometimes multiple at once.
Of course there is a bit of the obligatory "three month period" that you are supposed to wait in between relationships, but my brain didn't always seem to adhere by that rule. As soon as I finished one crush, I picked up another, almost to the point that my mind was always filled with thoughts of one *dokidoki* romantic interest to another.
For some reason, I developed crushes faster than some people saw their dentists.
(Please, real life isn't an otome game!)
+ + +On my main account @yuzuki, a few weeks ago I lamented this promiscuous emotional process in the sense that it made me feel cheap.
I think a lot of people thought that I was referring to platonic friendships (which is also true! I do like people easily!), but in actuality I was also referring to the fact that I also develop quasi-romantic crushes easily.
Sometimes I don't even need to know them very long. Even a few weeks of casual exchanges and light remarks (read: a combination of the right ingredients) can really pull on my heartstrings, and all of a sudden I'm feeling slightly warm and heated towards them.
I don't need to have seen their faces before. If you read my previous blog, I'm a text-centric rather than visual-centric person. I'm really attracted to certain personalities and behaviors, and for me, a little bit of text and personality is sufficient to make me get those hot feelings towards a certain type of guy.
I think the IRL equivalent would be like ogling someone's attractive figure -- but in my case it's rather like I can sometimes get nosebleeds over people's personalities.
Of course, 98% of the time, I never tell people that I have a slight crush on them.
In the first place, I already have Haru who I'm dating. That would be like cheating if it ever became anything more than just a secret crush.
That said, sometimes I do interact, talk, play, and have fun with them.
It still makes me feel guilty sometimes.
Is it wrong to have so many crushes?
Is it even normal?
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Growing up, online was one of the major places that I experimented with my sexual expression.
—Flirting
In other words.
It wasn't really quite that acceptable to pick up boys like flies IRL, and anyways my parents would have never approved such a thing. That said, technically online was also safer in many regards. It was really useful because I still felt a lot of gratification from being liked by someone online, yet I never counted any of my reckless online flings(?) as dating.
I've only kissed one person in my life (IRL), and I've only formally dated two people. Neither of those statements are really lies, at least to me.
Also, just because I grew up in a conservative household...
...Didn't quite change the fact that I basically got thirsty from time to time.
It shouldn't be any surprising to any degree that I figured out how to flirt online.
That said, flirting for girls comes in many different flavors.
Acting excessively cute and innocent and pure is a form of flirting in itself. Feigning ignorance while interacting with a guy is sort of a classic technique, and lots of times I was prepared to do almost anything to get someone I was interested in to look at me.
The online space made it so seductively easy to bask in the warm feeling of someone else's affection for you with very few negative consequences.
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I've always been very hesitant about sharing this little detail about my past.
The main reason — much like the way this blog post starts — is because I think it makes me look nasty. It's disadvantageous for my self-image to look anything other than mature and modest.
Am I a slut for having my attention flutter back and forth between guys so easily?
Does it reflect poorly on myself? Or perhaps on my character?
Was it wrong for me to seek attention and gratification through flirting in online spaces in the past?
I think these are deep questions that could potentially spark some really interesting conversation. While I'm sure that my personal experiences absolutely do not speak for the experiences for most others, I am sure there are at least a few of my peers who would find this relatable.
...and perhaps also something that they hold deep shame about. :c
Moreover, why are we so fixated on the concept of a slut?
What is it about sluts that have such a powerful grip on our psyche?
And why doesn't it feel like men have a similar standard? —if anything, it's the opposite standard?
Is it worth deconstructing those feelings to any degree?
It is just food for thought.
Miscellaneous musings on sexuality #2 (Mature/NSFW/Adult)
Author
lychee
[- slightly morbid fruit -] ❀[ 恋爱? ]❀
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