Poor quality blogpost #1

Going to be using blog space to put random things now because it feels like I’ve been indirectly(?) told by several mods up to this point to tone down the number of ramble threads on the forum boards.

So I guess I’ll be using this space as a scribble space now.

Be forewarned that this is mostly in-bed before-sleep phone journaling though, so I don’t expect it to be comprehensible.

Let’s see, I’ll be introspective today.

Something people may or may not know about me is that I used to be a very prolific diary keeper. I wrote tons and tons and tons.

I don’t anymore of course.

But diary writing in itself is extremely cathartic. It releases a lot of pent up feelings, thoughts, and energy, and it’s therapeutic in some ways too.

Whenever I feel a little more stressed or emotional or introspective than normal, I get urges to write something.

And the thing about now is that I don’t keep a diary anymore, so for some reason NUF to some extent has almost become a “diary outlet” for me.

I mean, I don’t really socialize with people on NUF. There’s kind of some amount of twitter aspect to NUF for me. Examine my most recent status profiles, and most run along the lines of “I’m sleepy” “I’m blah blah” — kind of like on-the-spur emotional tweets.

And then there are the polls, many of which are probably much to jarring to be a reasonable topic irl, yet for me often serve as a way to put down my thoughts and feelings (diary per say), and then have some form of quiet silent communication with dozens of others by looking at poll responses that often none of us would normally want to answer except anonymously.

This silent communication I think fascinates me.

That aside, I do recognize it’s extremely selfish for me to do this. Taken from another way, I’m basically publicly distributing pages from my “diary” in a public place. It’s bound to be clicked on (“clickbait”), and then all of a sudden people are reading my feelings and thoughts (many of which are morbid), framed in another deceptive way.

So thinking about it this way, I do understand why one of the mods used the term “clickbait” (even if it wasn’t even intentional and they took back that exact word).

Because it is unethical to an extent to throw private information to others (particularly strangers), without asking whether they want to see or hear it in the first place.

It’s kind of like if I ripped a page out of “too-much-information” stuff and shoved it in front of your face without giving you a chance to look away

It’s not professional or appropriate to do so, and that’s also why it’s exceedingly selfish to some extent to use a public space to vent personal writing constantly.

Like once or twice might be okay.

But doing it constantly is excessive, because too much information is too much information. Normal people don’t want to see too much information without warning.

So I guess it takes us in a loop and here I am back to writing “diary” like posts with no specific audience.

For me by the way, what makes a diary a diary for me is that it’s not written with the idea that there’s an audience. There’s nobody that this blog post is addressed to. In fact it would make absolutely no difference (and would probably be a smarter idea) if nobody read it.

This is in contrast to other things I write, whether it’s an anime editorial or poll prompt, in which how the post is presented is much more carefully crafted. In the case of the polls, often I think of a question or way to capture a certain thought weighing in my head in a manner such that it can be presented in an interesting way.

This and that are really the same.

The polls and blogs really aren’t that different for me.

Like even for this blog post, it could easily be turned into a poll if I asked about whether people keep diaries, or whether they’ve posted things online that they’ve regretted before — it’s a reframing of the exact topic while preserving the core feelings that I’m experiencing at the given moment.

It’s an exercise where I confront my feelings and process them.

Whether it’s appropriate to do this in public (uncensored), whereas the normal-person way to do it is in private, is a whole another question.

Anyways, how am I feeling today?

Hmm... I think I am kind of afraid of answering that question, because I really don’t want to acknowledge that feeling.

Soooo, I’ll just write that I don’t want to acknowledge that feeling, and at the very least it helps me come to terms with it. XD I’ll just hold it there even if it aches for a little bit now, and just accept for the moment that I’ve written it down and gotten it out of my system.

And then tomorrow I’ll probably be completely over it, and then I’ll be too embarrassed to ever want to look at this particular blog post again.

Because all that this moment has is the feelings that I feel at this exact present moment, for the better or the worse.