I'm grasping at something. Yet, it flows through my fingers like nothing is there. Catching my breath, chasing after something that doesn't exist. I wish I could see it. Feel it. Understand it. Explore it. Like sand, slipping through my fingers the harder I grasp on to it. Further and further away from my reach. What am I doing? Sweat runs down my face, falling to the ground. My lungs constrict painfully. My heart is palpitating, banging against my chest, begging to jump out. My feet are frantically moving, rapidly chasing after time. I can see it in front of me. A perfect reality. An alternate one. My eyes blur as I reach the blinding lights of perfection. I see flashes of memories in that light, depicting a happier, healthier, and prettier me. Without the scars. Without the hurt. Without the trauma. Normal and happy. Just one more step. Just one more. If I could just reach out and grab it.
If I try a little harder.
If I tried a little harder.
If I tried.
If.
But, I don't belong there. My outstretched palm retracts back to my side, trembling. I keep my gaze on the light. I longed for that. I needed that. That beautiful smile, free of worries. If only I had that. Smiling self-deprecatingly, I shake my head. Reluctantly, I turn my back away from the light. My steps were unhurried this time, unwilling to leave so soon. But, I finally made it back. To where I belong. To unhappiness, scars, and ugliness. In the end, this is who I am.
This is my reality.