Quiet nights

It’s quiet nights like these that I can hear the beep of the walk signs. I can hear the cars on different streets pass by. Going home at 1 in the morning. It’s quiet nights like these that I can either get sleep or sleeplessness. I’ve gotten the sleeplessness part tonight. One moment I will be here. The next I am a month from now listening to the worst argument I’ve heard in months. Then I’m back. Listening to the same lofi playlist with the lights low. Now is the time to grab my phone and read that one chapter I have been thinking about all day. Or maybe I don’t have one. So I open Instagram to scroll. But that’s no fun, so back to reading. However everything seems to distract me and yet I’m able to stare at nothing at all. I sometimes think about the past few days and the things that scared me, possibly scarred me. Definitely forced me to remember that those people don’t love me. Anyways. I need to bring my self back to this moment and not agonizing over the past and future. I need to not let the growing anxiety in my chest consume my sleep deprived mind. Lest it will not let me sleep. It already is but I like to tell me self it’s not. It’s nights like these that I’m a little fearful to sleep. I will have a dream full of anxiety that will persist in the morning. Or perhaps I will sleep a sleepless night and wake up multiple times and only truly sleep from 6 to 8. It is in nights like these that I want to sleep but dread it. I dread the time to come and the time that already come. How do I get out of this cycle of fear. It feels dumb but it feels so constant. “It will be fine” Is what I would tell someone else but I have trouble listening to my own words. I thought I’ve gotten better at that and pushing away the doubt and self negativity. But it feels like I haven’t at all and the scares my too. I hate this cycle sleeplessness. I would love to sleep with warmth and peace. But of course the anxiety I’ve been pushing down with escapism and distraction is coming back on nights like these. When it’s so quiet there are only my own thoughts. Well I guess it’s time try to sleep, wish me luck.