Quoted from somewhere

"It's actually when someone tells me they like me is how I'll be able to accept myself for the first time. ​

It's when someone else accepts me for who I am is how I'll be able to give myself a little break and feel as if I can like myself."
​

I think this is from Fruits Basket (2020)? I'm not really sure though. But if you ever encountered the same quote, pls free to clarify(?) it with me *winks*

Anyways, this quote hits me deep so I wrote it on my diary to reminisce someday. Aaaand the time has come!!! *laughs*

Let's return from few years back. If you read my previous blog, well, it will be pretty obvious that I was not socially adept at all and sunk deep into self-pity. Buuuut tadaaaa!

I. have. friends. Yes! Friends! Not animes! Not 2D hotties! But 3D friends!

Aaand. *shakes head* You don't have to say it anymore. *walks into a corner* I know I was pitiful alright *sobs*

lolol just kidding

Hmmm... getting back to the topic, honestly, I just want to talk about something I've noticed too late. And maybe, you were like me too.

It was like this, for so many years, I thought having little self worth was normal. Definitely. *nods* I mean, I thought myself as a failure so how my opinions matter at the first place? *shrugs*

So I lived with that kind of mindset for 16 YEARS. Goddamn, 16 years. It is frustrating how it took me so long to realize it was WRONG. *flips table*

How worse exactly my life has become, you ask?

Well, I secluded myself from everyone, any people, even my family and peers in school. I 'rejected' everyone. *collapses to the ground* (Aaaah, past self, why are you so prideful *cries*)

I can imagine everyone in the past laughing at me if they ever just know how my mind works. It is really funny. I thought before, I only make 'true friends'. Yes, I was finding that perfect friendship that you can witness in animes. As if that exist without trying *sigh* So in reality, I lost a lot of opportunities in my social life. A pity.

But! I still have a lot more years to live right!? *eyes brighten*

Well, I hate to break it with you but things were not really easy as it seems.

I don't know a lot of things and I can't understand it neither even if I knew.

I don't know how to socialize at all. I don't know how to read the atmosphere. I don't know if they are joking or what. I can't perceived their feelings with their words (unless they will be reeeally honest but we know that's impossible, it rarely works). I get easily confused and my mind will experience a mental block. And when I'm in a dilemma, I will feel that someone dropped a bucket of cold water on me. (I easily panic)

So you could say I was entirely dumb. But that's not the worst thing out of all.

The worst thing is that, I can't empathize with most people. I only feel what I feel. I only know what I experienced. I only understand what I experienced.

Even if I want to be kind, I can't.

I really can't. My kindness to others were forced. I did it because I was told to be like this and like that. I wasn't really against doing it but I don't understand it.

Looking back at it, the answer is actually simple.

Simply because those who cannot be kind to themselves, cannot learn to be kind to others.

Not only was I immature and naive, I was a cold person as well. *shakes head*

Having those thoughts passed through my head at that time, I felt like a trash. I hate myself more than anyone. *sneers* My self-hatred really ran deep.

So by the time, I was extremely unstable (emotionally and mentally), there were still people who accepted me.

They are the 3D friends I mentioned awhile ago lol

I feel extremely lucky even up to now because they are more mature than most people in their age.

So they realized that even if I was such a person, I didn't mean any harm to them. Sooo they stayed together with me, without any prejudices. It felt incredible warm, really. It was warmth that made my heart cry.

For the first time, I learned to be kind to myself. Because they were very kind to me as well. They corrected me when they noticed I misunderstood something. And they explained things to me whenever I was being insensitive and ignorant.

I witnessed a lot of things from them, from their eyes that reflected myself.

But well, there's another thing I noticed too late.



I didn't noticed that eyes can speak a lot.

Because I wasn't looking at the first place.

It is dismaying.


P.S.

I'm still in the middle of studying while typing this. I--- am. so. hopeless. *cries*