Relationships

I'm not sure what I want to say here tbh, I just need to dump my feelings somewhere.

I just had a relationship end on me... It hurts... I had finally stopped crying, but as soon as I started thinking about it again, the dam just broke open again, tears flowing from my eyes... It hurts...

I changed my avi to Kotoka from Nanashi no Asterism... Feels fitting, a smile, a smile filled with pain and bottled up feelings inside. A smile of someone that wishes to be normal, but knows that she most likely won't ever be.

I really love that scene, a shame it hurts so much...


I don't want to just be friends, I want to be lovers... It hurts to know that won't happen... That I won't be waiting for a reply every day at 10am... That I won't have someone to talk daily to, someone that I can enjoy my daily life together with...

It's so strange. Pyoo-chan started bringing the #GoodInEverydayLife thing to NUF, and I had never felt it so true as when I was dating Alea...

Everyday was special, everyday had something good to talk about, I always had something I wanted to say... It was just 1 hour... 1 hour everyday to talk about it... It was all I needed to have a wonderful day. 1 hour to make wonderful 23h. I miss this already. It hurts.


... Why can't I give birth to children? Why did God curse me like this...? I wanna be a mother, alright? Who gave him the right to take my motherhood rights away from me... I don't want to just adopt a child, I want to give birth to one... This sucks.

I just wish to have a fulfilling love life... To have a happy family together with someone I love... Is this really that hard? Is this really that much to ask for... Why must I hate myself? Why must I be unable to loved by the one I love? It hurts... It hurts way too much.

I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do. I feel empty, I don't want to work, but I need to work... What to do then? Work of course, but I don't wanna... Should I just emptly look at the screen then? Blaming myself for wasting my day like that? I don't want that either... Heck, I couldn't even bring myself to reply to comments in my own site. I bet I probably have an unread e-mail laying around as well, but I don't wanna open it either.

Should I be happy I'm not feeling suicidal at least? This isn't something worth being happy about though, it's just... One less thing to worry about I guess.


I totally forgot what I wanted to say, I started crying and talking to some friends midway through this blogpost... But well, I didn't particularly want to say anything at the same time.

Life will move on I guess, just not at this exact moment... I'll need some time to let it sink in... Haa... It hurts, I'm lonely... I hate feeling lonely.

I always hated that though, I hated being unable to cuddle, being unable to kiss... Being unable to touch one another... It's just... It just hurts to have this wall of 12h in timezones between us... Haa...


I don't really have anything more to say, whatever I had was already forgotten, I'll just publish this as is... Take care I guess, whoever is reading this.