Ruminations on love part 2

I'm pretty sure I had this exact same title before. The content under that title was much more youthful and conventional, I think, though I believe the general outlook was the same; love is not for me.

I've been faced many times with the opportunity to love, yet every time, I have either withdrawn from it or ignored it. I didn't know why, I just thought it wasn't for me.

When asked why, I would just say my doubts; that's the normal thing to say, I knew, that's what people would expect and thus accept. But I gotta stop doing that, explaining things only in a way that people will accept. I don't really like to think of it as such, it is a kind of lying, I admit.

I try too hard to be nice and optimistic when questioned, I try - I want to - I want for them to be happier, more optimistic and hopeful, to believe more in possibility, and so I lie, thinking that it's right.

I know I have no right to believe myself above them. But they have not seen the end. They are still afraid. They are still young.

They expected and accepted what they did because of my age; at the time I was young (some may say I still am), on the outside at least. They do not expect it, for wisdom to exude out of the young, and of course they wouldn't.

But the truth is, why I don't - why I won't ever love is because I have seen the start of it, the end of it, and everything in between. It's not - I am not. It is not something I can pursue. It is not worthy in my eyes. There is more to life than this, than people. I know it.

I do love people, but I would never love one more than any other. For there will always be another, someone other than me.

I'm not a part of it, I'm at the end of it. That's what I've always thought and always known.

I want to end this with optimism, but I won't; I need to change.