Running

Author

AliceShiki

『Ms. Tree』『Magical Girl of Love and Justice』, Female
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Sooner or later you need to realize you have been running from something... Today I realized this much.

It's really sad, when you realize the one thing you have been running from the most, are not your friends, nor your responsibilities... But yourself. Running from what I was, what I don't want to be anymore.

It's hard to accept how much of a coward you are... When not even you are able to face yourself... Not even looking at that face you hate and accept it is yours and try to change it... Instead I did what I always did, I ran and didn't look at it. I ran ran and ran, and did nothing about it... It's about time I did something.

Today I did something, today I said goodbye... I said goodbye to myself... I'm not dying, I'm not suiciding, I'm not going to do anything crazy... I just killed a part of myself, I finally stopped running from it and put the last nail on the coffin.. It's something I should have done a long time ago, but I finally did it...

I wish I could say it feels relieving, but it doesn't, I'm crying, I haven't cried in a while... But maybe it's a good thing. It's not a bad thing to cry from time to time... It's just... I did something I should have done, and that in itself is not a bad feeling.

Back when I made an older blog post, I said I wanted to go back to Sakura avatars... I'm not going back to Sakura... Not anymore.

Sakura has been a part of me for a long while, but she is dead now, she is no longer who represents me, and I don't want her being a part of me anymore... It's... A strange feeling, I'm not really rejecting my past, I kinda embraced it instead... But at the same time, I'm turning away from it... I think it's a good thing. Hopefully it is.

Nothing of this probably makes sense, but it's fine, it's not meant to make sense, it's more for myself than it is to anyone else.

Perhaps it really is relieving after all... Maybe those tears are tears of relief... Who knows? Maybe God does.

Osamaru, doomeye1337, XiaoYun and 3 others like this.

Comments

    1. doomeye1337 Sep 24, 2018
      a better phrase might be "moving on" ? I'm not 100% sure of the significance this identity/character had for you, but it's def true that we continue to change with time, even if we don't realize it in the process. When we finally take a good look at ourselves and see what feels like a stranger, it can def be pretty jarring. It seems like you were in the perfect state of mind at this point in time to move on, given that you are embracing your past but also turning away from it (to move on). So all in all, congratulations! You've successfully evolved :blobparty:
      Osamaru and AliceShiki like this.
    2. Osamaru Sep 24, 2018
      *Hugs Lily tight*
      ^___^ I'm proud of you! It takes someone wise to see that part of themselves, but it take someone brave to do something about it. I'm praying and wishing you well, that you keep on growing, Lily.
      AliceShiki and doomeye1337 like this.
    3. yun yun yun Sep 17, 2018
      *sighs*
      I don't give hugs to comfort others...
      I only give hugs if the person is fleshy... *peace sign*

      Your situation is indeed serious... It somehow feels great when I think there are you others thinking that way... This way, it makes me think, the world is much much larger...

      I only cry when I read something emotional... And never situational...
      But when I do, I cry to my heart's content... Whatever the reason...
      No matter if I'm in pain, or if it's because of what I read... I'd just cry...
      Cause it's frustrating when I don't feel anything towards a situation, especially if it's heartbreaking...
      So I just cry, then smile after...

      I would like to congratulate you though...
      AliceShiki likes this.
    4. NZPIEFACE Sep 16, 2018
      @R0 That was a few years ago wasn't it? Back when you were a Genji main and your name was Rorozor0.
      I feel like I've been running from stuff too, but mainly in the form of procrastinating on doing important paperwork.
    5. lychee Sep 16, 2018
      Ganbatte Alice!!! -hugs-
      AliceShiki likes this.
    6. SoulZer0 Sep 16, 2018
      Well, first time I saw you, I had an impression that you're the forever go lucky type you know. But lately it seems like you've changed. Not saying it's bad,after all one dimensional character is bad for a story.

      Also, I know how it feels when you relate yourself with a character. I used to be like that too. You can't say you embrace it when you said you are running away from it. It's probably hard, but you just need to make that Sakura character to be a childhood anime that you used to like. Make it that it has nothing to do with the current you.
      AliceShiki likes this.
    7. Clozdark Sep 16, 2018
      i think running away isn't all that bad,whenever we move on we going to have new experience and new circle if you can make positive of the new place you move on too, then the fact of running from old identity it will become meaningful experience.
    8. Silver Snake Sep 16, 2018
      You are so damn mysterious. And they way you wrote this was so interesting! I almost killed a part of myself before, but I realized I needed that part of myself to smile. Though life would be easier without smiling, I realized I needed to smile in order to be happy.
      AliceShiki likes this.