Sooner or later you need to realize you have been running from something... Today I realized this much.
It's really sad, when you realize the one thing you have been running from the most, are not your friends, nor your responsibilities... But yourself. Running from what I was, what I don't want to be anymore.
It's hard to accept how much of a coward you are... When not even you are able to face yourself... Not even looking at that face you hate and accept it is yours and try to change it... Instead I did what I always did, I ran and didn't look at it. I ran ran and ran, and did nothing about it... It's about time I did something.
Today I did something, today I said goodbye... I said goodbye to myself... I'm not dying, I'm not suiciding, I'm not going to do anything crazy... I just killed a part of myself, I finally stopped running from it and put the last nail on the coffin.. It's something I should have done a long time ago, but I finally did it...
I wish I could say it feels relieving, but it doesn't, I'm crying, I haven't cried in a while... But maybe it's a good thing. It's not a bad thing to cry from time to time... It's just... I did something I should have done, and that in itself is not a bad feeling.
Back when I made an older blog post, I said I wanted to go back to Sakura avatars... I'm not going back to Sakura... Not anymore.
Sakura has been a part of me for a long while, but she is dead now, she is no longer who represents me, and I don't want her being a part of me anymore... It's... A strange feeling, I'm not really rejecting my past, I kinda embraced it instead... But at the same time, I'm turning away from it... I think it's a good thing. Hopefully it is.
Nothing of this probably makes sense, but it's fine, it's not meant to make sense, it's more for myself than it is to anyone else.
Perhaps it really is relieving after all... Maybe those tears are tears of relief... Who knows? Maybe God does.
Running
Author
AliceShiki
『Ms. Tree』『Magical Girl of Love and Justice』, Female
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