Self Image and Confidence

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AliceShiki

『Ms. Tree』『Magical Girl of Love and Justice』, Female
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Some people really amaze me.

I was talking to a friend yesterday, and somehow the topic went to relationships, at one moment he told me how he didn't quite understand what was wrong with the people he dated, because he kept getting tangled with some troubling people, but he was "pretty good boyfriend material" according to himself.

That kinda surprised me. Not because I necessarily disagree, but more like... That kind of self esteem is pretty amazing to me, I could never say I was good girlfriend material myself, I mean... When I look at myself, I mainly see flaws, like...

I'm ugly, my voice is horrible, I need to take meds regularly even though I'm still 23, I can't give birth, I'm needy, I'm a crybaby, I'm jealous, I'm a worrywart, I have a hard time taking care of myself, I rarely do the things I propose myself to do, I'm a workaholic for everything except work... I keep seeing bad and worse things about myself, and like... Where is the good part?

The bad parts come really naturally to me, it's basically what's on my head most of the time... I mean, I do have some qualities if I stop to think about it, but that's not what I usually see?

Rather, when I was in my last relationship, I once asked "Just what do you like about me?" because I honestly had no clue what could have made someone fall in love with me... I don't think I have anything appealing about myself. I kinda accepted I'll adopt a child and be a single mother already.

So... When I see someone confidently saying that they are "good boyfriend material", it seriously amazes me... How can someone have that kind of confidence? I truly have no idea... I know I certainly don't have it.

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Comments

    1. BB_Tensei Jul 15, 2019
      Jeanette likes this.
    2. Fossil Jul 11, 2019
      Okay, let’s get down to this.

      I, personally, think self-image and confidence are two completely different things. Mostly because my self-image is a lazy procrastinator, a bit of a liar, and other things. Yet, I’m still confident. Somewhere down the line I stopped caring how others viewed me, and instead focused on just becoming the best me possible.

      There’s a quote from a song that I really like, called “Would You Rather” by Crusher-P. “I’d rather be my own best friend than my worst enemy, I’m one day closer to being who I want to be.” Simply put, it doesn’t matter how you are today as long as you’re getting closer to who you want to be, no matter what it is. Sometimes I think to myself that, well, I’m exactly where I want to be today. The procrastination is bad, but I’m passing. I’m missing a class, but it’s the class I can afford to miss. I forgot to do something, but it’s in the class I can afford to do that.

      As for confidence, though, I don’t know how I got that. Currently I compare what I’m doing in school to the challenge I face, namely is this as hard as working with a machine that can kill me within a second due to one misstep?

      However I’ve had confidence in myself even before that. Maybe because I was praised a lot in my work at school? Maybe it’s because I was liked. I don’t know, I just know I’m blessed to grow up as I did.

      I will say, though, that confidence is definitely important in life. My girlfriend constantly struggles with it, and a single mistake or obstacle in her way is often enough to get her to lose hope. As such I constantly remind her that it’s not over yet and that she can keep trying, keep moving on, until she succeeds.

      So yeah. A bad self-image doesn’t mean low confidence, but I would say low confidence can lead to a bad self-image.

      Oh, and here’s the link to the song!
      hitedo, Jeanette and AliceShiki like this.
    3. Moonpearl Jul 11, 2019
      To raise your self-esteem, you need to stop talking to yourself that way. If someone is constantly told they're a failure by their parents, they'll believe it and feel like crap. Even though you're only talking to yourself, the effect is the same. If you wouldn't say something to another person, don't say it to yourself.
      It's hard to believe that sort of advice would work, but I used to think I was ugly and unlovable too. Fixing your mental health turns out to be mostly about outplaying your own brain.

      It's a habit to insult yourself, of course, but if you interrupt that voice and tell it "shut up, that's not true", it will lessen its impact on you. Some people suggest imagining that the voice is actually a person you hate/mock (the person I met suggested Donald Trump since she hated him), because you're not likely to believe their comments and you'll probably give a sarcastic response automatically.
      Then you have to make an effort to keep saying "I'm beautiful" (and "I'm smart" or anything else you don't believe), and pointing out all the features you love in yourself, and thinking of evidence that contradicts your own perception of yourself. For example, "I love the colour of my eyes", or - if you were thinking you're stupid - "but I got high scores in that test everyone struggled with".
      You won't believe yourself at first, but don't let that feeling materialise as a real thought. It will get easier day by day, until you no longer believe it's a lie.

      You also have to avoid self-depreciating jokes. It turns out that if you insult yourself, even as a joke, your brain still listens to you and believes it. Instead, you should exaggerate for your jokes.
      If I drop something, I no longer say, "I'm useless" as a joke. I say, "I'm so talented" or "I am the most graceful being in the world".
      It's still funny. In fact, it's funnier because people no longer feel awkward hearing the way I talk about myself.

      And when you don't live up to your own expectations, you shouldn't criticise or insult yourself. You should treat yourself with kindness - I go for a motherly sort of kindness.
      If I mess up, I aim not to tell myself, "You failed. It's all your fault. You never do anything right." Instead I try to tell myself, "You made a mistake. All humans make mistake. Let's try to fix it/do better next time."
      This doesn't just help you in the long-term, it will help you succeed or complete damage control right then and there. If you berate yourself, you'll panic, cry, and/or shut down. Everything feels final. If you show yourself kindness and try to lead yourself to look for a solution, you still feel that there's hope for yourself, so you keep trying.

      I implemented all of these across the past few years, aiming to fix my terrible mental health. I've found that all of them make a vast improvement.
      I'm still having to practice them and I'm not perfect, of course. Right now I'm still trying to stop telling myself I'm lazy and switch to "I need more discipline".
      However, I'm so much more at ease with myself than I was before and I no longer feel as hopeless in the face of a challenge.
      Hitedo, Jeanette and AliceShiki like this.
    4. Siostar Jul 11, 2019
      Just like you, I can see countless faults in myself too, but never really hated myself for that (though I could be annoyed). Because I like to think that people have both a good and bad side to themselves, that of course, would include myself.

      So @AliceShiki ... I should really knock some sense into you, for someone who are so well liked by friends and alike, you definitely have some good qualitys for that to be so!
      Hitedo and AliceShiki like this.
    5. AliceShiki Jul 11, 2019
      Fossil likes this.
    6. Fossil Jul 11, 2019
      Remind me to respond tomorrow when I’m not sleepy.... I want to now, but I’m too sick and tired for that.
    7. AliceShiki Jul 11, 2019
    8. Haxagen Jul 11, 2019
      Eh, you'll find your happiness yet, Alice. Beauty in the eye of the beholder and all that. Plus, I think most people would find inner beauty more important anyways, else it'll be no different from dating a decorative flowerpot, I reckon.

      I mean, to start on your list of good qualities, you aren't full of yourself and are genuinely nice, which are both already better than the average person.

      So ganbatte! You got this! :blobtaco:
      Hitedo and AliceShiki like this.
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