So tired

Whenever I do something that I think can vent my feelings and emotions (with no harm to others) they think I'm very bad? I know it's petty to not hang my sister's blanket outside to dry but how should I express my feelings? Throwing tantrums? I'm just so tired. When they do that to me, it's fine. I'm the eldest child? Fuck it. You gave me the heavy burden of raising my siblings after I graduated. You told me that time and time again. You say that I'm a lazy sister, immature but damn I'm also a human. I also feel tired, selfish. Don't expect me to always be mature. All the hard work I did before was invalidated because that's what I was supposed to do. When my sister took hold of cleaning the house you say that I am very lazy. Why didn't you say that before to her? I did that for many years and she only did it for what a year? When I have something I shared them to my siblings right? Did I ever tell them that I gave you all those things and I expect a return? Whenever you compare me as the bad eldest sister to others have you ever wondered that I am different and the similar to others? Have anyone remembered the last time you all see me cry? No. Did anyone know I am so pressured everytime I put down my phone and stopped reading because all I think about is what will I do in the future? What if I don't have any work after graduating? Everyone even the neighbors, teachers are expecting me to be someone great because I am excellent in academics. You're all contributing to my burden. Did anyone know that I tried commiting suicide twice? Of course only 1 person know and that was even a person I just met for a year. Did you know the reason one was when you took away my phone, you didn't know the pressure I was on that time. From rank 5 to rank 10. Everyone looked at me differently. Reading calms me down. But what you took it away. The second time was when two weeks after I enter college. I was so scared, lost on what should I do. The program I chose has the lesser and lesser students every year they advanced. I didn't know what to do. Everytime I go outside how you didn't know that all I think about was wishing to be hit by a car and die. No one knows. I'm just tired. So tired of life that I wished I vanished. And not live again. All of you just see me smile and laugh as if I didn't have any battle to face. A neighbor ask me did I ever feel depressed ever since the pandemic. You know what I answered, I don't know. Because I really don't know. I'm just so sad and tired. I wanna die so badly. My thoughts are so messed up. I can't think straight.