Something i feel lile thinking out loud

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Willheim

Sometimes here, sometimes not, Male
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So... its been a while since my first blog.. a lot happend i found my own spiritual way, get over a serius depression then find the courage to face the carrer i deeply desired and also the determination to go through with it.. but something puzzles me from time to time... why can i go through with love? (the gf kind of love).
Whenever i think about love i just only remember a my first and last relationship wich was so passionate and creazy but it took the wrong way to grown in a relationship so toxic that it could materialize at any moment and poison all life on earth. So much mental and anxiety pain my inmunologic sistem barely work and i will doze out for hours.. sometimes i feel so much like shit i whould stare at the frame door and see it wiggle like a snake or lie down in bed and feel lile the walls where crushing my perception of space of course im not blaming all on her, we were jusr caught up in thid endless cicle of..crap ... welp enough of that, i notice it get over it and drop it so we broke up and i move out of town (again, in my life i move out like 5 times to diferent citys) and i forgot about it... then i tryed meeting people or feel love to say it somewhat weirdly. I meet them we have fub we conect but then i will just out up distance and every time i will do so earlyer than the other (it was just 3 times i tryed, not a bazillion).
Then i just suddendly stop doing it, but dont get me wrong i dont feel lonely or sad about it, i just dont care to meet a another person, like i just love my family my friends sometimes my dogs but i mostly love myself. Still i didint notice nor did i remember it until i meet my grandpas brother (wich we will call uncle), my uncle with mt aunt have like this special relationship they are lik 50-60 years old with lke 30y togheter, but they dont seem like a married couple, they look, from my worlds perspective, like parthners, like friebds but more but not so couple lile they just share each others company.. so woundered if i have ever seen such a cool thing (yes i find that cool), and i remember a lot of things that didint even exist anymore (the bad an tve good ones).
Now i have simulated diferent escenarios before about my future (before i found my "spiritual way") and i always seem to picture myself alone, of course now i dont let my head go too much in other time that isnt now, the present, but now i wonder why i haven be interested in anyone in a romantic way? (for data im a sapiosexual dude i think because girls with extemly "abnormal" or "diferent" worlds, not in a creazy person way, are so awesome and hot)
Am i afraid of love? (like literaly afraid because past records and somewhat peresent ones too show that i teleport away). But if is it one thing im sure is thst everytime i feel like im getting caught up with someone i feel disgusted all over my body, like this stuffy feeling as if its too much to handle.. maybe i need a few more years or maybe i just dont like romantic love at all, and always reject it like a mental desease.. i dont know i just dont seem to get a clear picture right now.
Maybe i should just forget about it and dive in mt studies, in 20 years more either be found a partner, be in a relationship or just alone unaware todays matters.

Comments

    1. Clozdark Feb 21, 2018
      In my opinion you're not kind of people that seeking love,just do your best in your life and interact with many people as much as possible and maybe they will tried to the one who confess to you.
      Willheim likes this.
    2. Willheim Feb 21, 2018
      @AliceShiki Welp thats not encouraging considering its been 6 yeaes i think since then.. i feel its more like when u burn you see something waryly, i just cant seem to get over that fear of throw me in something so unknow for reason doomeye say. But ill put more thought into it. Thank you:blobpats:
      AliceShiki likes this.
    3. AliceShiki Feb 21, 2018
      My guess is that... You didn't get over it at all.

      There is no easy way to get over a broken relationship, but it's not something that is simply solved by time... Keep fighting and try to understand yourself and your feelings better! I hope things go well for you! ^^)/
      doomeye1337 and Willheim like this.
    4. Willheim Feb 21, 2018
      @doomeye1337 Thats like 40% of the whole deal men!!!! :blobwoah:thank u a lots!! :aww: and also for reading such a long deal
      doomeye1337 likes this.
    5. doomeye1337 Feb 21, 2018
      def seems like trauma, but I'm no one to talk either <.<; I think it's a fear of losing control, as you did in the previous relationship. When you start to fall for someone, you lose a lot of control if you heart isn't very strong, so it might cause your mind to close up as a defense mechanism.
      AliceShiki and Willheim like this.