Songs

I think music can talk a lot about us. About our mood, our feelings, about what we like and what we love.

A few weeks ago there was only one song on my head:



"Tomorrow Will Be Special, Yesterday Was Not." Much more than the melody itself (I love this song's melody though), what really kept on my mind was the title. The title was meaningful, because we were really close to my 1 month anniversary with my girlfriend, and I wanted it to be special... Being in a LDR limits what we can I suppose, but it was still very special to me, and I loved the day... And during the whole week, this was the song that kept on my head... "Tomorrow will be a bit closer to it, a bit closer a bit closer..." "It is tomorrow! Tomorrow is the day!" This kind of thing, I was really joyful about it~


Things are not always happy when related to music though... I don't have that many times in which a particular song got stuck in my head... But I have at least one more that I remember:



"Super Duper Love Love Days" In case you're curious, I'm completely clueless about the lyrics of this song, I only get a certain feeling from the melody... A sad feeling.

This is the song that got stuck on my head when my parents announced their divorce to me. It was... A sad memory. Of a change I expected, but was still saddened about.

Nowadays I still hear it though, I don't think much of it, but it still comes to my head from time to time, generally in sad occasions... One more.



"Last Remain" For a long time I wanted to make a blog post entirely on this song, it matches me really well... I recommend just hearing it at first, and then hearing it again while looking at the subtitles, it will give a better impression of what I want to convey.

For now, here are the lyrics... I personally prefer to look at them on the video than on a text like this though, but for people that are only on mobile data, this should help.

Spoiler: Lyrics

Last Remain
ラストリモート｜東方地霊殿
Vocals: nachi
Arrange: Nhato
Lyrics: Haruka
Circle: Alstroemeria Records
Album: POP|CULTURE 4
Event: C88

夢のよう　何もない　苦しさも忘れられる
夢からは　覚めなくて　独りきりでいられるから
いつからか　忘れてた　君のこと好きなことも
いつまでも　目覚めない　自分だけのこの世界で

yume no you nani mo nai kurushisa mo wasurerareru
yume kara wa samenakute hitorikiri de irareru kara
itsukara ka wasureteta kimi no koto suki na koto mo
itsumademo mezamenai jibun’ dake no kono sekai de

Like a dream, there is nothing here, and I can forget even my pain
I cannot wake from this dream, because here I can by myself all alone
At some point I had forgotten, about you, and about what I liked
No matter how much time passes I cannot wake, from this world all my own

あの場所から逃げて　まだ見えてないままで
消えたくて　目を伏せた
あの時から残る　まだ消えてない傷は
言えなくて　癒えなくて　居れなくて

ano basho kara nigete mada mietenai mama de
kietakute me wo fuseta
ano toki kara nokoru mada kietenai kizu wa
ienakute ienakute irenakute

Having run away from somewhere else, I still cannot see
Wanting to disappear, I just kept starting at my feet
There is still one wound from that time that remains
I cannot speak of it, it will not heal and I cannot stand to be

いつか消えてゆく傷なら　まだ辛くないけれど
消えなくて　残されて

itsuka kieteyuku kizu nara mada tsuraku nai keredo
kienakute nokosarete

If it were a wound that would one day fade, I might still bear it
But it will not fade, but ever remains

ここは　何もない　あるのは終わりだけ
今も　なにもない　終わりだけの場所ね

koko wa nani mo nai aru no wa owari dake
ima mo nani mo nai owari dake no basho ne

There is nothing here, nothing but the end
Still now there is nothing, nothing here but the end

今もあの時から残る　まだ消えてない傷は
言えなくて　癒えなくて　居れなくて

ima mo ano toki kara nokoru mada kietenai kizu wa
ienakute ienakute irenakute

There is still one wound from that time that remains
I cannot speak of it, it will not heal and I cannot stand to be

いつか消えてゆけるのなら　君のこと忘れたい
言えなくて　消せなくて　泣いたまま

itsuka kieteyukeru no nara kimi no koto wasuretai
ienakute kesenakute naita mama

If I could one day disappear, I would want to forget about you
But I cannot say it, I cannot erase it, and only cry

—

So, my first experience with this song was just by hearing it without understanding a thing about the lyrics... As it is my norm with pretty much any Japanese song, I like the lyrics, but I don't bother with understanding it... This music is really close to my taste though, so I got super addicted to it and even danced to it a bit... At some point I recommended it to a friend because it fit her avi, which was when I thought I should actually look at its lyrics... I discovered this song matched me more than I imagined. In a variety of ways.

The first thing is that it gives a very happy and upbeat feeling IMO, this is not a sad song, it's a happy one, it's one you sing while smiling... At least that is the feeling it gives, it fits Koishi (this song is a remix from her theme) and it fits me very well. But when you look at the lyrics... They are sad, depressing, desperate even. And yet, it's sung while you smile. This also fits Koishi, and most importantly... It fits me, very very well... Or at least it did back then.

I said before that my RP character on AG, Hikari, is essentially a self-insertion of the most depressive aspects of myself... The main reason she was like that, was because those were my most predominant aspects back then, it is why she so naturally grew into such a depressive character, and why it is so hard for me to enter her character now... I don't want to enter that depression again, it hurts, I don't want to enter that mood right now... It's already been enough.

The song talks about how there is a wound that will not heal, about a world that is all my own, and that I can run away from the pain, by being all by myself on this lonely world... About how if I were to disappear, I would like to forget about you... That if the pain was one that was going to fade, it would be bearable, but it isn't going to fade... Really, pretty much the whole song fits with me, I'd have to quote the entire thing if I were to split it up in parts that matched me, so... I'll only give an overall view of it.

"Last Remain" Was for me a direct representation of me, NUF and my ex boyfriend. NUF was my own world in which I could run from all the pain and from the pressure that was killing me IRL, and my ex boyfriend was a source of pain that I was sure that would never heal... Because even though I loved being with him, the pain from the break up was horrible. I had already given up on love, and I honestly wonder if I'd ever get over it if I hadn't found my current girlfriend, it was a very deep scar and it still comes back to haunt me from time to time.

It think it really represents how desperate I was for this world that was my own, how much my NUF addiction was a necessity for me, because I could run from my pain... And it also reflects how I'm not nearly addicted nowadays as I was in the past, because the pain isn't nearly as big as it was in the past... Even though I thought it wouldn't ever fade, it faded... Feels a bit magical to see how it was like that, but now isn't anymore... It's a happy feeling for sure.

In particular though, I think a part that was really strong for me was the very last sentence.

I can't talk about it, it's too personal, and the people I knew IRL wouldn't understand it anyway... I did talk about it about people I was close to online, but the people that were supposed to be the closest ones to me were people that couldn't help me... I couldn't say it.
I couldn't erase it. The past doesn't go away... Rather, I didn't even want to erase it, it's conflicting, but it's not... The previous sentence reflects it well "If I could one day disappear, I would want to forget about you" If I were to disappear, I would want to forget... It's an if, it's not happening... I can't erase it, I don't want to erase it, but I would want to get rid of it at the same time... I don't want this experience to disappear, but I want all this pain gone, it's this sort of conflicting feeling.
And only cry. This was the only thing I could do... I cried, cried cried cried and cried, I lost count of how many times I cried over this... There was just nothing I could do, nothing I could say... Nothing, it was just... Crying, crying crying and crying, all day everyday, crying when waking up, crying when about to sleep, crying when looking at the mirror, crying when hearing my voice, crying when showering, crying when... Crying when anything remotely bothersome happened... I ran to my own world to escape my pain, but the pain pursued me and made me cry even more. There was nothing I could do except crying, it was how I felt.

For a long time this song really matched way way too well with me... Nowadays it doesn't match as much, I don't think I have a song that can describe me or my current feelings, a few come from time to time, but definitely not even close to how Last Remain seemed to perfectly describe my entire mindset and everyday life.


Songs can be surprisingly good at reflecting us... I think it's a very nice feeling to find a song that fits a feeling we have, or that fits ourselves as a whole... I don't know what I wanted with this blog post though, I guess I just wanted to share these findings? I don't know, I love music, I used to play the keyboard, but not anymore... I still like it though, I wanna learn the piano one day and most importantly... I love hearing music, songs really help my day overall, I get bothered when I can't hear them.

Hmmmm... There isn't much more to say though, I think this one got big again? Not quite sure, the song lyrics make the scroll bar look bigger than it really is... Oh well~