unbalanced: unsure where the center is

unbalanced: unsure where the center is​

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Yuzuki has a lot of clones.

This has more or less always been the case, at the very least ever since 2015 when I joined NUF.

In the beginning, the ability to express myself through my clones meant so much of the world to me. It allowed me to explore, reflect, mature, interact, grow, and slowly converge towards a central sense of a "self identity" that I really lacked during the years I was wandering the internet as an anonymous person.

I always used to consider myself a bit of an actor, at least with it came to online.

Sometimes I find it hard to distinguish whether I am:

1. Acting in a way to impress someone else?
2. Acting to be a virtual person that I like better than my real self?
3. Acting instinctively as my "true" self?

The (first) one is the easiest to distinguish — unless it is subconscious, for instance, if I develop a crush on someone and find myself flirting subconsciously.

However, the (second) and (third) are very very hard for me. It's very difficult for me to tell what is the difference between acting as "yourself", or acting as "somebody else you wish you were more like".

The question that I often end up asking myself: is the latter still real?

For example, yuzuki is a severe introvert. However, yuzuki wishes she were slightly more extroverted, and in online spaces occasionally she can act wild and extroverted.

There are many examples of this kind of thing for yuzuki.

And exploring these kinds of sensations were one of the main appeals of having clones. In a sense, each clone allowed me to explore how comfortable I felt in each set of shoes. In real life, people sometimes comment that yuzuki is "robotic" or too quiet or too serious or uninteresting (since basically all yuzuki does is study, IRL), so the online space was in a sense for me to explore different ways to express myself.

Maybe one of the clones would feel more like "me" than the real(?) me.

—Even though I haven't exactly had the strongest sense of what my real(?) self is to begin with.

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+ + +​

For the past couple years, I thought for a long time that @yuzuki was the final one.

After probably greater than 25+ clones on NUF, I thought I finally developed a center for myself that simply says:

this is me.​

And I do legitimately think that yuzuki is closest to my center.

I mean, yuzuki has the advantage of not talking very much, which is very similar to my core sense of self, IRL anyways.

Yuzuki also feels the most transparent and honest (at least speaking with respect to my own internal sense). For many deep and intrinsic reasons that are a little difficult to explain, I feel most comfortable and natural being me like yuzuki is like me. The kind of relationships and baggage that this account carries is also most familiar/home-like to me too. XD

In either case, I do subjectively feel very close to this account.

Yuzuki doesn't have a personality like the other clones do, and in fact sometimes it's kind of strange to talk in third person because she is me (or probably as close as it gets, I think).

@lychee is probably second closest.

However recently, I started getting active on some other clones again.

+ + +​

Now, I think one of my problems is that I have a natural tendency to put on behavior and masks when I enter new audiences. This is sort of natural for everyone, but I think for most people it doesn't bother them very much.

It's normal to act differently act work than at home.

However, for me, occasionally I feel like that "mask" deviates too far from my intrinsic sense of self.

When it feels like the distance has grown too far, sometimes I will abandon that account, because it doesn't feel as much like "me" anymore. It's no longer so enjoyable to have to fun on that account.

So in the past, I've developed abandoned a lot of accounts.

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+ + +​

I used to do it without the slightest sense of guilt.

I mean, I shouldn't have to apologize for trying to find the closest sense of "me", and abandoning a certain persona when it doesn't seem like it's "me" anymore.

But recently I've also become more ambivalent.

Why?

Because often times, each clone that I make is real to somebody else. I make friendships each time I enter a new space with a few face, and some of them are very very dear friendships.

This is what it is like being yuzuki:

Imagine having five clones, each of which with different sets of friends and inside jokes and stories.

Each set of friends see a different yuzuki, and think yuzuki is a different kind of person.

This isn't too strange if it's like work friends vs. school friends vs. online friends, but in yuzuki's case, they're all online friends. It shouldn't really be too hard for all the friend circles to merge (if yuzuki really wanted to make that effort). In fact, sometimes yuzuki maintained separate friend circles on exactly the same site, like NUF.

I've also been in the awkward situation when one set of friends disliked the other set of friends.

And I've also often kept my clone identities secret from many friends too.

And I guess this is where it hurts a little bit for me.

Like every once in a while, I feel like one of the clones are dying (because they aren't so "yuzuki" anymore), and I feel like I'm losing the motivation to log into that account.

However, I think about how some of the friends would feel if that clone died (if their very close friend for... many many months... or years...) and suddenly went poof.

...and it's sad.

It really is.

Because yuzuki isn't gone.

Only that clone is gone.

But that clone also isn't exactly the same as yuzuki.

Because the clone is only a small piece of the whole.

And since yuzuki is still here and watching, I can see their melancholy as that one left behind.

And then I feel sad too. Also, I don't know exactly how people would feel -- if the friend they always knew suddenly changed a lot one day -- almost as if they were a different person. Or perhaps if the person they always knew wasn't really the person they always knew.

Yup, so that's what's been on my mind lately!