Useless

Author

AliceShiki

『Ms. Tree』『Magical Girl of Love and Justice』, Female
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I said it on another blog post, but I think nobody should ever try to get into a LDR, it's way too painful in a lot of aspects... If it happens, then it happened, but getting in a relationship with someone you're close to and can have physical contact to is a lot, lot better.

Today I was talking to my girlfriend, and she had a problem... It was... Horrible. It was horrible, because the only thing I could do was to advice the obvious... I said, "Talk to me, rely on me" but when she did... What could I do? Nothing. I talked, I tried to cheer her on, tried to think of alternatives and... And I cried.

I cried because of how useless I was. I'm a pretty depressive person by myself, it gets worse when I see a problem that I can't do anything about... I couldn't help her, and not only that, I needed to be comforted by her... I needed to be comforted because I couldn't help her... It just... Haa... It was horrible.

I wanted to help the one I love, wanted to be by their side, but I couldn't even give them a hug... I couldn't even be someone they could talk to when they needed... I was just... Exchanging text messages, crying about how powerless I am, about how useless I am... I needed to be comforted when the one needing comfort wasn't me, but her. It was... It was ridiculous. I'm pathetic.

I said on another post, but I like being depreciated when I'm doing R-18 things with my Love... It's relieving... I'm useless. I'm a pathetic useless girl that can't do anything for the one I love the most when she actually needs someone... I wanted it today, I wanted it a lot, I wanted to stop thinking and simply do as she tells me and forget life, to be called all the names I call myself and actually feel pleasure from it... I wanted to stop crying of self-depreciation and wanted to cry from pleasure.

We couldn't do it today though, so the feeling stuck with me for a while longer, it can be... Quite bothersome. Honestly... If there is one thing that helps me, is hearing 3 words... "I love you". It's amazing how much this can help me...

How can someone love someone as useless as me? How can a girl as pathetic as me get such a wonderful girlfriend? How can... How is it possible? It just... Doesn't make sense. But it happens... Somehow even I found someone that loves me... I cling desperately to this love, it feels like a light for me... Something that helps me hang on...

I get scared.

Whenever I show my bad sides, I get scared... Can my Love really continue loving me when I act like that? Can this relationship hang on even if I'm such an useless person? Even if I have such low chances of achieving anything in life? What can I do anyway? I feel... So absolutely useless... I can hardly think of any good points about myself, I just can't understand it... Do I even have the right to be happy? When I'm such a troublesome girl that can't help anyone with anything?

I don't understand it, I don't understand any of it... I just know that... That I'm happy... I'm happy to be in love... I'm happy to have someone that loves me... That accepts this useless me somehow...

Well, I'm not happy right now though, but overall, I'm pretty happy, I can say this much... Each day has been a lot more blissful recently than it has been in the past few months... I hope it can continue like that... Still...

Haa... I wish I could actually do something... Anything... I can't even... Even deliver a kiss... I can't even hug her and let rest on my chest... I'm... Haa... Absolutely useless.

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Seraphic, leegood, Twig and 3 others like this.

Comments

    1. AliceShiki May 8, 2018
      @leegood It started only on NUF, but it's a LDR rn, and hopefully will keep on being like that for a while~

      If anything, I'm pretty bad at keeping things separate, so me falling in love with Alea was by no means a surprise on my end, her falling in love with me was absolutely blissful though~ <3
      leegood likes this.
    2. leegood May 8, 2018
      *baby slaps her cheeks*
      *though the slap does not hurt because it is a baby slap*
      Do what you can, if you truly want to feel like you did something, do what you can.

      Can't think of what to do?
      Then start thinking about what to do.
      Then you do what you think is best.

      A person regrets more, what they never did, then what they have done because that person will never know what could have been.

      (Also, its a RL relationship?! I thought it was NUF)
      AliceShiki likes this.
    3. Osamaru May 4, 2018
      *hugs Lily*
    4. AliceShiki May 4, 2018
      @Osamaru Well, I've been out of my comfort zone for a long long time... I wish I could get on it already... Haa...

      Well, I'll work hard either way~
      Osamaru likes this.
    5. Osamaru May 4, 2018
      Lily, at the end of the day, it all comes down to what you want, and what you are willing to do. I understand that there are somethings that you are not comfortable with atm, and I know that you are afraid of other things. And that is perfectly fine and understandable. Fear is not the problem, the problem if when you let Fear keep you from the things that you want.
      Sometimes it takes stepping out of our comfort zone to get what we want, its not easy, but nothing in life worth having, is.
    6. AliceShiki May 4, 2018
      @Osamaru Yeah... It's why I tried anyway... Still... Haa... It just... Feels terrible to not be able to do anything... Being reminded of my uselessness is bad enough by itself.

      @Emmyy *hugs* Thank you! I try my hardest! >.<
      ... Sometimes it just doesn't seem enough though.

      @Clozdark Yep, I absolutely don't want to let go of this love! I really really really want it all to work out somehow! >.<

      @Kitsune Alea *kisses* I love you~ *hugs tightly*
      Osamaru likes this.
    7. Clozdark May 4, 2018
      isn't this blog already a prove that you actually don't want to let her go,the key is keep to make a 'contact' in long distance relationship.
      small talk is fine,just want to see each other is fine,what matter is like make each other feels like being in home,keeping internet call idling while working is fine,it doesn't have to be video chat sometimes.
      Osamaru likes this.
    8. Emmyy May 4, 2018
      I agree with Osamaru..I don't think I could say it better..You are such a supportive and awesome person.. and you really put in the effort..you always give me *hugs*, so here is one for you *hugs*..imagine it and make it happen!
      Osamaru likes this.
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